Look of love - #48

Unconditional love is something we all need and desire.  What is something many don't realize is that this can come from non-humans as well.  Animals know who treat them well, who they feel are part of their pack, who are part of their family, or someone who they love.  They are such good judges of character, it's no wonder many of us trust their judgement more than our own.

There is something so warming in looking deep into the eyes of an animal that feels like this for you, whether it be your own dog or cat or another animal that you have connected with, seeing how they react to you can be heart warming.  This happens to me every day when I wake in the morning or leave and come back home with my dogs and cats.  It also happened yesterday when visiting a friend's home where his dogs and even one of his horses ran across the pasture when I called his name.  Such a feeling, like getting a heart hug.

Animals also seem to know when someone is not good, not trustworthy, a bad soul.  Maybe it is because they only trust what they see and hear and feel, or maybe even the smell of humans.  I don't know what it is but I have seen it many times when people have reached for a dog or cat and they shy away or run or even lash out.  It is not the animal's fault for this, it is their instinct to protect themselves.  They will also protect those they love.  This is another way they show love and acceptance.  Animals are just amazing.

So I must ask.  How can some people treat the animals they are supposed to love so horribly.  Those animals that they brought into their homes as puppies they end up tying to a tree in their back yard an just throwing food and water at with very little to no attention.  Those kittens they loved until they grew up and now are let outside to fend for themselves.  How about those people who left their pets when the latest hurricane came through, leaving them in flooded areas and without any support.  How can someone do this? I do not understand.

I am proud to say that my animals are part of my pack, my family, and will continue to be treated as my children until they take their last breath.  To those animals who are ignored and mistreated all I can hope is that some day you feel the love and affection from a family who will love and cherish you. And to all those who treat your pets like crap, I hope that karma catches you and makes you feel 100% what you have done to them.    

Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer - #47

This past week I have noticed that I have been more negative than normal and I am honestly hating that.  As I woke this morning, the first thing that crossed my mind was my son was not home, was he  or was he in an accident.  Why did my mind automatically jump to the negative?  Do all parents do this? I mean, he is an adult and only stays here on weekends, if I'm lucky.  With work and school and all the other things he does, I'm lucky I see him that much.  There I went again...diving back into the negative.  This is so not like me and I honestly don't like it.  I am not sure what the issue is but this has got to change.

How do people live like this, day in and day out having nothing but negative in their minds?  How can they accomplish anything at all?  What is the point of doing anything if they already know they will fail?  Do they find pleasure in anything at all?  Do they find pleasure in spreading negativity?  Maybe that's it but what a horrible existence.

My negative thoughts continued as I started to write this entry.  You may not have noticed but I changed it from Day to numbers because I realized I can't seem to do this every day as I had initially started.  I almost didn't even write this one.  It feels like I have found another thing to fail at.  I have all but stopped all of my initial miracle morning things.  Even getting up early, except for this morning, has become a chore instead of a blessing.  What changed?  This I do not know but feel I must figure out as it seems I do this a lot.  I start things with excitement about the change and the outcome I see in my mind but I neglect to finish some or even come close in others. Why is that?

Guess I need to find a book or article or something on how to finish what you have started.  Is it possible it's out there? I can't be the only one with this problem, can I?  I see what I believe is happening. It is as if I am throwing hurdles on my path, just in front of my next step, trying to trip myself up.  Why would one do this?  Is this yet another thing that my troubled childhood left me with?  I am not looking to lay blame, just looking for an answer of how this started so I can begin to fix it.  Was it something I did to myself?  Is this a combination of it all or could it be a manifestation of the negativity I have been feeling this past week from an unknown that has brought this question to me?  Is it my mind's way of trying to turn it around, as a way to fight this feeling?

I used to say baby-steps but maybe even that was wrong.  Maybe I do need to take a running leap at everything I do and stop giving myself time to put reasons and doubts in my brain to sabotage myself.  Could that have been the problem all along?  That sure does pose an interesting question, one I must find the answer to.  Time to get up, dust myself off, put on a smile (even if fake for now), and muscle forward toward the thing I want.  Don't stop, don't look back and whatever I do, stop dropping hurdles in the way.  Make it to the finish line, to the end result.  Don't quit!

Time to bring in Positive Penny and Empowered Emily!

Just not feeling it - Days 45/46

This is now the 3rd writing that I have done to cover 2 days.  In trying to figure out why, part of me looks back at this past week and month to see all that has occurred.  What was happening during this time?  Who did I interact with?  How did I feel?  Did anything particularly good or bad happen?  What was different than the week before?  What threw me off course?

In watching the signs within my own mind and body, I have learned to spot the signs of something changing, something bothering me, something just not right.  Yet knowing the signs and knowing what is the cause are two different things.  What is it that has me so off?

For the past weeks things have just not seemed right, something is off, just out of wack yet I cannot put my finger on it. Is it just that my body is feeling the changes of the seasons in a different way than before?  I am, after all, getting older and weather changes are bound to make me feel different.  Or is it something else entirely?  Is there something making me feel different than normal?  Is it inside me or is it out?  I can't seem to put my finger on it yet yesterday I felt it not only as a mental block but it also manifested itself in more physical ways, causing me to feel pain and tightness in joints and muscles.  No, it's not the flu yet it is mirroring some symptoms of it, yet other symptoms that make no sense at all.

Things in my home have also not been right.  First thing that really caught my attention was exactly 7 days ago when a 5 lb sphere of banded jasper was thrown off it's wrought iron stand where it has been sitting for over a year, the sphere going one way, the stand another, yet the dust under where it had stood was undisturbed.  Not a living thing was anywhere near it, I had to wonder what caused this to happen.  I apparently didn't give it much thought because since then things have begun to get stranger in a more personal way.  I am now beginning to think about this and the rest of the odd occurrences the past 7 days.  Was it the full moon or is it something much different, maybe someone or something trying to get my attention? Is there something I am ignoring that is really trying to get my attention, something that will, at whatever cost, get my attention one way or another to the point of causing physical pain.

My dreams have also been affected.  Nightmares that came out of nowhere, not scary but not right.  Waking with bruises and pains that didn't make any sense.  Feelings of uneasiness and fear, yet not that I felt afraid but something was afraid.  Made no  sense really.  Then yesterday when trying to explain the pain I was feeling, I said, "it's like someone cut off my arm and beat me with it."  No idea where that thought came from but now diving further into it, that statement make so much more sense.  Here is why.

As I sit here writing this and talking to my friend Sam, I think I figured it out.  Something I have not admitted much outside of my very tight circle of friends is that I have a, not sure what to call...gift, curse, brain-tumor (just kidding, I do not have a brain-tumor).  I have an ability to feel, see, sense, smell, and/or hear those no longer physically here who wish to communicate.  I have had this ability all of my life I just never acknowledged it because I didn't want to be thought of as nuts.  Not like I really care what people think, but it is not something I would wear on a t-shirt or post on billboard "I hear dead people" (insert joke here).  Fine, there it is.  I've said it.  I am no different this morning than I was yesterday, I am just saying out loud.  It's done.

Outwardly admitting it is something I have been avoiding for so long but in a way feel releasing.  Almost as if the universe is say, 'it's about damn time.'  OK...I get it.  Now is time to help the ones who have been plaguing me the past weeks, time to help them with what is causing them pain and emotional turmoil.  Being able to explain a little further how I know things I shouldn't.  You have no idea how many times I have heard that and just ignored them or shrugged it off, biting my tongue so as not to say much to avoid those looks of  curiosity, or worse yet fear.  People are mean and honestly sometimes dealing with those no longer physically here is easier.


So with that being said, the proverbial black cat being let out of the bag, it's now time to quietly and listen to finally hear what I have been avoiding. To let this poor soul be heard, stop avoiding him and find out the message meant for me to hear.  No, I will not share it as it is his message. I am just the vessel that will hold it tight for him so he can feel peace.  I hope that it helps him.  I really do.  Maybe then I can get back to being me again, feeling my normal aging self, snaps, crackles, pops and all.

By the way, for those of you who fear graveyards or think they are scary because there are ghosts there, guess what...those are the quietest places you can go.  Spirits aren't there. Only their bodies are left there, their souls go where they are familiar, if they stick around at all.  Only things bad that happen in graveyards are done by the living.  Just had to say it.

Moms Just Worry - Day 43/44

I have started writing day 43 over and over again, bouncing between topics and just not feeling any of them were worthy of writing about.  This morning I finally landing on one that I believe all good mothers (and fathers) will understand.  Moms just worry.

Children must understand that moms are going to worry about you all of your life. We carried you inside our bodies for up to 9 months, you are an extension of us.  Many of us have been there for all of your first 18 years, through every cut, scrape, broken bone, and broken heart.  We were there to hold you and care for you.  We felt every boo-boo as if it was our own.  With every tear you shed our eyes welled and cried with you.  After you were made to feel better, bandages in place and emergency averted, we melted with relief knowing we could now release all the anxiety that built up while we were having to be strong.

You may now be all grown and out on your own but do not ever, even for a second, think that we will stop worrying about you.  Unlike in the animal kingdom when the parents just move on, good parents, both moms and dads will always worry about you.  You, that amazing grown up man or woman who is now out in the world providing for yourself, maybe even with children of your own, we will still feel every injury and worry every time there is something happening where you are.  I will forever have a connection that makes me tear up just a little once the storm has passed and I know you are OK.

So for all those moments you got annoyed by my checking in on you, those moments when you responded with some snarky comment about my checking up on you, understand that I only do it because I love you, because that bond is still there, and it will never stop.  Get used to it.  My love for you will always cause me to fear the worst but hope for the best.  My heart will always beat fast until I hear you are safe.  My mind will always race to those what-if thoughts hoping they never come.  Understand that as a mom I will always worry so get over it. Love you!

Disclaimer:  I cannot know how it feels to raise a child I did not carry but I am pretty sure that these feelings also expand to those amazing parents who have adopted children as well.  Just wanted to throw that out there.

Needing a beach recharge - day 42

Do you have a place that you go to recharge your battery?  Is it your childhood home with your parents?  Is it the mountains to get back to nature? Is it the desert? What about a field of corn or wheat?  Does the open prairies make you feel at home?  Trees, do you require lots of trees that block all view and give you a natural hug?

For me my happy place is the beach. I was born surrounded by water, ocean on one side and gulf on the other.  Spent most of my good days as a child on the beach or in the water or fishing with my grandfather out at sea.  So my current landlocked situation has got me out of sorts at least a couple times a year where I must go recharge my soul's battery, sitting on the beach, toes in the sand, birds squawking overhead, and the waves rolling onto the beach blanketing the sands with their warmth and then rolling back out again to allow another to take it's place.

When on the beach, time escapes me. I can sit for hours just meditating in the warm, soothing sounds, letting my mind free of all that clutters inside.  I think that finding that place where we can unwind and let go is something we must do to survive.  We have to be able to remove ourselves from the  hustle and bustle of the every day monotonous insanity that must be done to pay for all the this-n-that required to exist.

For many years due to financial constraints I could't make my trek back home where I could recharge.  As a single mother, my finances were bound to making sure that my children had a roof over their heads, food on the table, and some of the things they desired.  Not all, because that would give them nothing to strive for, but enough to make them want to work hard to get there.  During those years I found ways to get there without leaving my home.  I was introduced into the art of self-hypnosis.  Being able to focus the mind on the body, turning off the senses with simple countdowns, and finding the ability to all but mentally leave my body and travel to a beach where I could relax and recharge was what saved my sanity.  This was actually something I taught myself in my younger years when I was not in a safe place and needed to escape the pain.  I believe it actually saved my life.

Hypnosis is a very powerful tool.  Many have used it to avoid being put under anesthesia before surgery (not sure I will ever be that good at it), others have used it simply to turn off the mind and release.  Hypnosis also helped me quit smoking, something I did for many years.  I am now trying to use it to lose weight and well, that apparently is harder than quitting smoking. Still a work in progress.  The ability to self hypnotize is a true skill that I am blessed with.  I have used it in short bursts or for longer periods depending on the need at the time. I mostly use it to cure what ails me and allow my body and mind to heal when they get to a point of needing release from pain.  I have removed myself almost completely from any use of over the counter medications simply by first getting them out of my system, then finding more holistic remedies, but I will touch on that another day.

Finally being at a place in my life when I can just go to the beach and relax, recharge, and recover my sanity is such a blessing.  I know that all my worldly worries will be there when I return yet the escape is so amazing, almost like a recharging my soul.

The ocean is calling, I must answer.

With the Best intentions - Day 40/41

I think that somewhere along the road of my life I read a quote that said, "the evil in the world is done by people with the good intentions" or something like that.  Sometimes we do things with the best intentions but not so good outcomes.  We mean well, we think that we are doing good but in essence we are actually hurting those around us.  I don't think that in all cases evil will come of those attempts but looking back at history I can see how that may have happen.

I have been trying to write this entry for 2 days now and failing miserably.  Apparently my subconsciousness really wanted me to finish it though and kept telling me in my dreams as I had nightmares about death and remains and someone profiting from the remains of others.  Still trying to figure out the last part. 

The mind is an intricate web, woven of experiences we have had over our lifetimes compiled with feelings and emotions about those experiences.  Stuck in the web are lessons learned, whether in classrooms or our daily lessons from life, in my case many of them learned the hard way by stepping in something I would rather have walked around.

Part of me is hoping that if I write this, if I get it out of my head and on to virtual paper, I will learn from it and in the future, do it less.  That is my hope, my wish to not hurt those around me, those that I care for and love by my words and actions.  I do tend to learn the hard way though.  For some reason even though I may see the pile or the hole or the bad experience, instead of side-swiping it, I continue walking, tripping and falling head-first into it.  Yup, that's me, the klutz.

It was thanks to my mother-in-law that I first realized I had this problem and now, even though I try not to do it, I try my best to not hurt those I love, it still happens. Lucky for me they know that my intentions are not to cause harm.  Bad for me, most of the time they do not tell me that I have done this until I pull it out of them or it slips in conversations years later.  What comes to mind as I sit here is the same thing I talk about a lot. You can't fix what you don't know is broken.  Not that I am using that as an excuse, but if I had known years ago that I was doing this, I would like to think I would have learned by now how to use that sugar coating I hear so much about.

This thought, however, leads me to another trying to make this make sense.  At what point does adding sugar change the taste so much that it no longer is what it was intended to be.  Does it  not make more sense to get to the meaning directly than to beat around the bush?  Can one beat around the bush so much that eventually the bush is the only thing standing in the field of dead weeds?  Maybe I am just thinking to hard and losing the meaning all together.  Not the first time that has happened.  Oh well.

GOAL:  Invest in more sugar.

Dream a little dream - day 39

Do you ever stare up at the night or morning sky, admiring the stars and all their beauty?  Do you ever look at the clouds and see shapes? How about stopping to notice the ghostly light of the moon when it rises during the day behind a beautiful blue sky?  Have you ever been lucky enough to use these times, these dream-like moments to travel outside yourself or let your imagination roam?

OK, are you wondering what the heck I'm talking about at this point?  Promise...I'm only half crazy half of the time.  I am talking about day-dreaming and for those who are lucky enough to have figured out how to do it, self-hypnosis.  Those are the moments that really allow you to explore, to soar and to grow.  Here is what I mean.

When you allow yourself to just wonder, to ask questions internally, to see things from a different perspective, you are growing.  Your mind is expanding, even if opening up just a little to the possibilities of seeing or experiencing something new.  You are becoming bigger then you were by way of absorbing the energy around you. Using that energy to go new places or think of new ideas, new ways of doing something or how to create something new all together.

Example:  An artist sees around them the beauty in the world then absorbs that beauty and uses it create beauty in their art.  Using the energy around them, the feelings and emotions from those things that stimulate their artistic side to create something, they are growing by way of seeing something and allowing it to affect them.  Then, as artists do, they create something from that energy to see or hear or feel and share it with others to see or hear or feel as they experience it.  The outcome may be bright or dark depending on the feelings the artist had when it was created.

Allowing yourself to float on a cloud or bounce among the stars, allowing yourself to dream, to see more than what you currently are, to see where you could be and want to go, not only helps us grow and become more but it also gives us the courage to go further.  It builds up our sense of self-worth by way of expanding what we see ourselves achieving and potential maps to get to those end results we seek.

If you set a goal for yourself are you not, internally, seeing yourself reaching that goal?  Do you not picture yourself reaching the thing you are striving for?  If you are preparing to run a marathon, do you not picture yourself hitting the finish line, exhausted but holding your arms high in representation of the success of reaching the end?

As I am sitting here writing this, I have to wonder if maybe this is something only I do. I have never asked anyone else if they do this. I have not conducted research on this to see if other people do this or if I maybe I am a little more than half crazy.  If I am, I will gladly stay in that state of mind because I could not imagine a life without those little escapes from reality that make me think beyond the mundane existence of the every day grind.  Wake up, start work, stop work, cook/clean/chores, relax a bit, go to bed, wake up, and do it over again.  That is not the life I wish to lead.

Goal:  Dream a little dream every chance I get, making sure to use them to continue to push me further than I have gone.

Lost my mind, again - day 38

How is it that some people can remember everything they have ever read in their lives and others can't remember the time they just read on their phone when they just looked at it?  How are  minds and memories so different? Is this something that a person can be trained to do or is it a super power that some have and others just don't?  Is forgetting why I walked into a room a sign of things to come?

I had similar conversations just yesterday with a couple people.  One was just comical, joking that I couldn't make up my mind about something if I had already lost it.  But the other was quite serious.  Sometimes I do feel I am losing my mind.  Struggling to remember the simple things like what I had for dinner yesterday or what was said in a conversation I had last week, or even what the subject was of something I wrote a month ago. How can I be so absent minded?  It's like my memories are backed up on a server and when I go to get them, the network is temporarily down.

Since I was a teenager in school, I have always taken notes, written things down, telling myself if I wrote it down, I didn't have to remember it.  I'm sure I heard that somewhere as a tip for taking notes, probably from some teacher but maybe my mind changed it up a bit. Maybe it was really that if I take good notes, it will help me to remember. Is that how this started?  Did I start my mind down this path of forgetting things once they were committed to paper?  Or am I literally losing my mind?  It's not like I did drugs as a kid and did permanent damage.  Yes, I remember those silly commercials...This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs.  Those, while not meant to be funny, kind of were, but maybe that is why they were memorable. 

However, I did get hit a lot in my earlier years (another rant I hope not to tap into again).  Was that what caused it? Did the memory part take one too many blows when I was young?  I know my mind has blocked out small chunks of things that happened to me as a child, things that were just too horrible to hold on to, for which I am truly grateful.  How I know this is because a few have slipped through the block and come back over the years. 

I know that the mind, as another organ of the human body, does what it can to heal itself.  Maybe not only from physical trauma, but mental trauma as well, which can be just as damaging.  Maybe my mind spent so many years saving me from those mental and emotional traumas of my younger years, hiding them in the vast library of my mind to stop them from hurting me over and over again, that it didn't realize it was filing away other things too, things I wanted and needed to recall.  Maybe I need to figure out how to rewire my brain so I can remember the important things and even unimportant things that happen now, going forward.  In thinking about it, I don't think that it is my mind not remembering so much as it is my mind determining what is worth recalling and what needs to be stuck in a file and not accessed as easily.  That's the part I need to fix.

So the question, how to do I retrain my mind to reach into those files and recall more things?  Is there some exercises I can do?  I know I have seen and heard commercials about brain games, do they work?  I have tried a few and I didn't seem to have problems recalling lists of things I memorized or have seen recently like shapes and lines and such.  Maybe I just need to continue to acknowledge the issue and keep looking for ways to improve my recollection, close the gaps in what feels like my swiss-cheese mind so not as many things fall into the holes and get lost.

Goal:  Do daily exercises with my brain to retrain it to recall things better and not file important thoughts and lessons away into the hidden files quite so quickly.

Celebrating Differences - Day 37

One of my absolute favorite quotes many of us heard as children.  “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”  ― Dr. Seuss  Such a powerful message in just a few short words.  As children, the biggest thing we try to do is fit in.  We didn't want to be the one who wass different, the one the other children picked on, the outcast.  Trying to fit in with others our own age is all we knew, if we are lucky.

Some of us were not so lucky.  Our differences we still tried to keep to ourselves, however, they were harder to hide sometimes.  For those of us not born with a silver spoon in our mouths, plastic if we were lucky enough to have a spoon, fitting in was a pipe-dream.  We were just trying to hide in the shadows, become wall paper, blend in so no one paid much attention to us.  Many of us acted all big and bad to push people away and not seem like a timid mouse that could be stepped on.  We were the unlucky children in homes where love was all but non-existent, where being yelled at or hit was the only thing you knew of emotional acknowledgement or physical touch by a parent.

The life of an abused and neglected child is not easy but if lucky, it is survivable.  Some are saved by other family members, some by the court systems, and some just run or get pushed away to fend for themselves.  When the escape  finally happens, many still try to fit in, to become what society says we should...hard working people, getting meager paying jobs, paying taxes, and if we are lucky, have families and children of our own.  Still trying to fit in, but we now have a choice.  Do we continue the same pattern we knew as children or do we stop the trend, celebrate our differences, and stand out for what could be the first time in our lives.  

For me, this was a changing point in my life.  I am lucky enough to say I have had many points where I have had multiple choices and I typically chose the path opposite of my parents on purpose.  I was looking to never make the same choices my biologicals did.  Yes, that is all they are to me, the sperm and egg that created me because beyond that, except for beating me into submission or ignoring my very existence and giving some excuse as to who's fault that was and why it was OK, they never did much as parents.  I never want to be like them.  I never want to either abuse my children or completely ignore them as if I had none.  I never want be the person who marries and divorces people like others turn on and off light switches.  

What was most important to me was to make sure my children had all they needed, as much of what they wanted as I could provide, and knew that they could be anything they wanted, they did not need to hide in the shadows or be wall paper.  They could stand out and celebrate their differences, fitting in when they wanted to but knowing that it was not required.  They could decide where they wanted to go and be who they wanted to be without criticism. They would be happy, healthy, and vibrant.  That was my main goal in life and I am so proud to say I succeeded in that.  I beat the odds.

Even now when my children come to see me, call me to say hi, or as is common with youth today, message me on one app or another, I know I did my job well because they do reach out.  They still want to have me as part of their lives.  Hugs are a regular occurrence in our home. They are happy. They are succeeding in what they want to do in life.  Even though they didn't have the perfect childhoods, experiencing the loss of a parent at such tender young ages, they still thrive.  As a parent, I can not be more proud that they are able to stand out and celebrate their differences instead of trying to always fit in.  They know who they are and who they want to be.  They are amazing.

To those reading this, I wish for you one thing.  That you stand up and stand out and be who you are, who you want to be, celebrate the differences that make you YOU.    

26, 873 Emails - Day 36

Part of my decluttering has also been technological.  I noticed in one of my email inboxes (yes, I have about 5 of them including work) was needing a serious purge.  So for the past few days, every time I had a minute when I was just watching a movie or something that I could multitask with I was going through and purging them by the hundreds, even thousands at times.  Going through to make sure there isn't anything important I do need to file away but getting rid of all the junk mail.  As I do this, wondering how the hell did they get my email address to send this crap to?  I know, I know, I probably filled out some stupid online thing or whatever eons ago and they just keep sending and sending until I finally unsubscribe to spam them.

Have you ever paid attention to all the clutter the world sends our way?  We have regular mail spam.  Those stupid things that come delivered most days by the USPS employee who is probably the only one benefiting from these mailings and only because they insure he still has a job.  At one point, I think I was getting upwards of 3-5 pieces of junk mail every single day.  To combat this, I actually wrote 'Return To Sender' on some and sent them back. 

The ones that truly got me angry tho were those who somehow pulled my husbands name out of a hat some 15+ years after he passed away and sent mail to my house which he had never lived in.  How in the hell does this happen.  I went so far as to call one of those companies after they insisted in continuing to send mail addressed to him at my new address even after I sent it back with snarky notes about 'Deceased' & 'Never Lived Here'. 

When I called, I asked them how they got his name.  They replied by saying some bull about computer generated to which I would reply, fix your stupid computer.  Further explaining that I do not appreciate receiving mail for my late husband and no he does not want to buy whatever they are selling as it would do him no good where he currently resides. 

Why is it companies continue to spam us with their wasteful and pointless advertisements?  I know they must do business but why is it that Americans must be bombarded by all this useless paper and electronic waste?  Not only do we get this crap in our physical mailbox and electronic inbox but we also get these useless time-wasters while watching regular television shows as well.  Commercials are another one of those big time wasters.  Want to see just how much of your time is truly wasted with these annoying interruptions?  Let me give you a little glimpse.

I have found it kind of interesting (yea, when I am really bored or watching for something specific) to see just how long these commercial interruptions have become.  Thanks to my DVR, for the most part now I try to never watch something as it is being initially aired.  This way I can fast forward through the commercials.  So let's talk about how much time they waste.

Morning talk shows and new casts are the absolute worst.  The new trend is to give you teasers of stories at the beginning of the news cast then only give you 3-4 minutes of news stories they deem important, followed by 5-6 minutes of commercials.  They will come back with a snip-it of weather and traffic (that takes all of 1-2 minutes) then back to 5-6 minutes of commercials again.  They do this constantly through out their 1-2 hour shows.  The local news is not quite as bad but darn close. 
This is one of the reasons many people have turned off their satellite and cable services, just too much crap we seem to be paying for. 

I could go on and on about this but honestly think I have wasted enough of my time with them.  As for the emails, I am down to 10,957 and still deleting. My goal is to finish this today and then clean up all the others so they have under 50 each at any given time and add lots to my spam folder.  No, I am not going to waste my time 'unsubscribing' because I just don't care to.  Hopefully this will be something I only have to do once in my lifetime.  Maybe next I will cut the satellite line to my bank account and remove that monstrosity as well getting rid of commercials all together.  Sounds like a good plan.  I know turning it off would definitely give me much more time in my life to do other things. 

Got 4 more junk emails since I started writing this.  UGH, this is exhausting.

GOAL:  Continue to declutter my life and remove those things that have no added value.

Cocoon or Turd - day 35

Good morning world.  It is butt-crack-of-dawn early on a Sunday morning.  My brain decided that sleeping in was not in the cards for me today as it woke me up with this dream that I was eating something I had found on the ground that was either a butterfly cocoon or a turd.  Either way that was disturbing enough for me to say 'oh hell no' and and get my bum out of that bed!  Dream interpreting will not happen on this one as that was just gross. 

So here I sit with the only sounds in the house being the antique fan across the room humming it's little tune and the constant ringing in my ears that never seems to go away.  I am sure there  is some stupid pill some doctor could give me to try and drown out the sound or make my mind not notice it but since I do not take drugs or see doctors, this is the noise that plagues me.  That's ok, though. I can live with this little annoyance.  I am sure I did it to myself with all those years of heavy metal at full blast.  Oh well.

I have been all too productive this morning.  Taking the dogs out for their morning run (ok, letting them out the door to the back yard just doesn't sound as exciting) a d did a load of laundry.  As I went to hang up one of my shirts, a sense that change is coming flooded over me. I realized that this shirt which used to resemble something I truly loved to do, this outside sensory stimulation that I craved was no longer what it was to me.  My craving had subsided.  The excitement of the win no longer being something I cared as much for.  I know that this has been coming for a while but it just seems that in this moment, I realize that I just don't seem to care as much for it as I used to.

What I am talking about is irrelevant.  What is relevant is the feeling. This, I believe, is what we feel when we have come to a realization, a break through moment when we really see something for what it is or was to us and how its meaning has changed, morphed into something foreign, no longer desirable giving us the feeling that it is OK to let go, to no longer put as much or any effort into trying to save it.

Its funny how I have seen this over the years with many relationships...with hobbies, books, television shows, jobs, even with other people.  I guess we all seem to have a relationship with different things in different ways and they either flourish or fade away.

In the past few weeks, I have felt many changes occurring.  I was looking deep into myself, seeing those things and activities I no longer find comfort in, that I can now leave behind like the words on pages of the previous chapter of my life have been written.  Those words are only there for me to learn from and use for growth but not to dwell on or try to change.  The ink is dry on those chapters and there is no changing what has occurred.  There is only the ability to move forward and take with us the pieces we need to succeed in writing new pages and leave the old pieces that no longer hold value to our success on the side.  Guess that is the baggage we all have.  The question is will we let it hold us back, stopping us from being able to take a step in a new direction to continue to grow, or will we let go of it and start off fresh with arms free to grab hold of the new and exciting things in our path forward.  It has taken a lot to get where I am and I cannot dismiss those who have helped me get here, be it things or people.  What I can do to make sure that my journey continues to be successful and not get stuck is acknowledge what now feels like a heavy bag and let them go so my future can have my full attention and strength to push me forward.

I think I may have just interpreted my dream, at least in a sickly humorous way.  I believe my sub-conscience mind was telling me that either way I go with my decision I have to make they are not going to be easy.  Do I consume what I find to be beautiful, killing some things to become a better me or do I continue to eat turds and feel as I do today.  OK brain, disturbing way to make me see something but I get it...and ewe.  Next time how about just going with chocolate or sushi. 

The decluttering continues.

Sensory Deprivation - Day 34

There is nothing more relaxing than being able to turn off the world.  To shut out all the noises and stresses around and become completely relaxed is something I have dreamed of but rarely ever achieved as it is just not that easy to do.  I have been able to achieve this in small instances by doing self hypnosis but today I was able to take it to another level.

Being able to not only turn off the world but also feel lighter than air, feeling like I was floating on a cloud was amazing.  Being weightless, completely sense deprived, allowed me to release all my thoughts and cares and just be.  What an amazing feeling.  I was able to experience this today and honestly I will do it again and again, as many times as I possibly can as it was so relieving.  

During my session I was able to do all those things.  The weightless was amazing.  Turning off the outside world was so relieving.  Being able to utilize my skills of self hypnosis really came in handy allowing me to feel I had left the room completely.  

Other bonuses of the salt float included my skin feeling so much softer, as if I had shed an outer layer and what was left was fresh and new.  I think that my mind was also able to do the same and now I feel so much lighter, clearer, and relaxed.

At first I couldn't turn off my brain, lying there fixated on the time I would be in the room.  As I feel I am never really 'still', how was I going to be in here an hour.  I was sure that I would make it barely 30 minutes.  Little did I know that once I allowed my mind to let go, I would be able to unfocus and turn off everything, I would be able to just be without thinking about it or focusing my mind on something.  My mind was no longer racing from thought to thought.  I had found true peace.

If you get a chance to experience this, I highly recommend it.    

Finally Friday - day 33

Have you ever noticed that most of us wish away our days?  Yes, those of us who work Monday thru Friday get to the end of our weekend and think to ourselves something like, 'Ugh tomorrow's Monday again.' Then when Monday happens, we watch the clock in hopes that somehow it will speed up and the day will end.  Counting the minutes to break, to lunch, and to the end of the day in hopes that watching the clock will make it go faster and we can be done for the day.  Through the week, we constantly wish our days away, begging Friday to get here so we can be done and have our lives.

A long time ago I read a quote that has stuck with me. 

Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life. ~unknown

Some are lucky enough to be able to find this early in life.  Others of us are not so lucky.  We jump from job to job, career to career, company to company, even some being entrepreneurs.  Working a day to day, hour to hour to make ends meet but wishing away our days, weeks, even years, to get to retirement. 

How depressing is that?  Another quote I heard was, we are born and spend the first 18 years growing up.  At the other end of our lives, if we are lucky, we spend the remaining years living on what we accomplished.  We had better like what we are doing in the middle or life is gonna suck.

At 49 years old, I have come to the conclusion that it is important not only to enjoy what you do but to be appreciated as well which is making me really rethink a lot of choices I have made in life.  I am very interested to see where this new thinking is going to take me.  I am open for the change if that is the path I take.  This will be a test I am ready to take because life is too short not to be happy.

Goal:  Stop self-sabotaging myself, stand up for me and what I am worth, and BE HAPPY!

Better than yesterday - day 32

Woke up earlier than I have been this morning but not as early as I was before.  My do-over has begun with a rocky start.  It's not bad tho, I did actually wake at 4:45 AM but decided that was too early and went back to bed so I am positive my internal clock was just off a little.  Hopefully tomorrow I can do it otherwise will use the weekend to reset it and get back to my regular scheduled early rise sessions.

I like to think of myself as a positive person yet in talking to someone last night, I realized that my joking and sarcasm might be perceived as being negative.  Hmmm.  It is quite possible that I'm not the closet comedian I thought I was, that my attempt at humor may actually be making people think of me as a negative person which I try so hard not to be.

I was called impatient.  My response to that was jokingly to say, 'well I am an Aries,' but that did make me think a little and back peddle to explain why I was making negative comments.  Personally I think I use humor to soften the blow of life, to sugar coat situations, even if only to myself but maybe that is perceived to be something quite different by others, something negative.  Am I really sounding negative when I crack these jokes or add a humorous spin to stupid situations?  I must dive deeper into that.

About 14 years ago I worked with an older gentleman from Minnesota.  He was quite the character with his accent, fair skin, jet black hair, and sinister smile that would always make you wonder what he was up to.  He was a family man with several children and grand children who he talked about quite a lot.  When I heard him talk, I could do nothing but smile and chuckle at his little stories which always had a sarcastic spin about them, even if they were not so nice.  One thing I remember so vividly  is that every morning when I greeted him and asked how he was doing that day, he would respond with, 'fair to partly cloudy.'  The first time I heard that, I thought to myself that was a negative way to respond.  Are you always expecting a storm?

After getting to know him, realizing that he was a joker, it made more sense, but at first it was a bit off-putting.  I hadn't thought about that much in the recent years but now I have to wonder. Am I coming of with a hint of negative right off the bat too?  I sure hope not but am I?  When I answer someone's 'how are you doing' question with a 'better than yesterday' am I saying I am good or am I really saying yesterday was bad?  When I am driving and talking about the drivers around me who are creeping along at a snails pace am I being negative?  Yea, sometimes they do drive me nuts which is why I thought I was cracking jokes. Are they not as funny as I thought?

Joking has always been sort of a safety mechanism to my world.  As a child, there were a lot of things that should not have been happening to me (that is another subject entirely and I will not dive into that here...probably never will).  To safe-guard my psyche, when I would talk about them I would crack some joke to make it seem not as bad as it really was.  It made the pill a bit easier to swallow, or so I thought.  Don't they say laughter is the best medicine?

Trying to find the lighter side, even if only by saying something silly or becoming the butt of my own joke to ease the sting of the experience just something I did, even if just to make myself feel better.  Maybe it wasn't working as I thought.  Maybe it was actually doing the opposite of what I was intending to do. Was I actually talking about the negative and not finding the positive as I thought?  Was I thinking I was talking about the silver lining on the storm cloud but instead bring more attention to the storm itself?  I know I have a dry sense of humor but maybe I need to water it a bit.

Goal:  Water my sense of humor so it doesn't feel quite as much like Death Valley.

A Fly in my Coffee - Day 31

Sometimes there are things that happen that throw us off our game.  Those little things that, while not dangerous or hurtful, surely stop us in our tracks and in some cases make us back up and redirect ourselves before moving forward.  This morning, mine was a fly in my coffee.

This little suicide bomber who dove headfirst into my second cup of Joe and floated around until I almost had him for breakfast.  So nasty!  That is definitely one way to wake up quick!  It made me stop quick and pay closer attention.  It also made me more aware of those things I do without even thinking about them.

Some days it just feels like we go through the motions to get from one end of the day to the other with very little thought to the things that happen in between.  Have you ever driven to work and not remembered the drive?  What about getting up in the morning?  Do you think about everything you do or do you just follow the same old routine without having to think about what you are doing?  Kind of like a car rolling down a rutted country road.  The wheels will fall into the ruts and continue following the path of least resistance until we decide to change course.

I think life can get that way as well.  We go through our days doing the same thing we did the day before, maybe veering a little here and there but for the most part doing the same things day in and day out.  I am guilty of this.  As I sit here thinking about my recent past, I am saddened to see that except for my writing every day, I have fallen back into the same old routine I had before I started this.  I was trying to get up early.  That's not happening now.  I was trying to meditate every day.  Have not done that in a bit either.  I still take the silence by not turning on the TV while I am writing these entries.  My reflection time or Vision, Affirmation, Reading and Exercise parts of the Life S.A.V.E.R.S. part have all but stopped completely.  I feel like everything I started with such gusto, got lost.  Wow.  Really sad.  Kind of feels like I failed myself.

Well, I could just decide to give up and throw in the towel.  I know that this past few days has really made me think about doing this.  Giving up on those goals to better myself. It did feel like things were stacking up against me.  I was beaten down verbally by a so called friend.  I had injured myself (yea, the klutz in me reared it's ugly head again) making exercise hit the back burner again.  I felt attacked by my job, like I couldn't even get a few days off without someone hassling me to work even though I was supposed to be on vacation and on top of it all I feel like I am neglecting all those who are important in my life because I am spreading myself too thin.

I'm not going to give up.  Throw in the towel is only what happens when I'm doing laundry.  I refuse to quit.  Time to regroup and start over again.  Time to re-prioritize my world, get back on that path I was so excited about 31 days ago,, the path to a better me.

Goal:  Make the best of the rest of today and start fresh tomorrow.

Remembrance - day 30

Today another year has passed and we take a moment to remember those who lost their lives in that tragic event.  On that day a tragedy occurred in our country but in that tragedy we became one country.  We were all stopped in our tracks and focused on the tragedy that was occurring in our nation.  We were "One" that day.

As I sit here and remember that awful moment, knowing that I have one of those sad memories where I know exactly where I was the minute it started and what I did after it happened.  I am sure that I am not alone in that either.  I remember hearing others much older than I who would say, "I remember exactly where I was when Kennedy died."  I always wondered how they could remember that exact moment in time where and what they were doing.  Now, seventeen years later, I can still remember those exact moments. 

I was pulling into the office when I heard on the radio that the first plane had hit. I ran in and had them turn on the TV just in time to watch the second one as it hit the south tower. That was the day that changed our country.  The day before, we were looking at how to stay out of recession.  The economy was the top issue in our country, more tax cuts, and the education bill. There were big weather storms that day, flooding in several areas.  There were also primaries coming down to the wire as the next day would be a voting day.  Many of last minute slanderous commercials and news stories about one candidate or another, those annoying things that cause many of us to turn off TV and news as we just get sick of the political crap.  Hurricane Erin brushed Bermuda sending pounding rains and storm surges onto the island, stranding tourists.

Looking back all these years later to how our country has changed.  We went from being, for the most part, comfortable with life as it was with the daily grind and the normalcy of it all to becoming one cohesive unit all focusing on the destruction that occurred, the loss of life, the loss of our sense of safety as we knew it the day before.  We became angry and fearful.  We wanted blood from those who did these terrible things.  We also mourned the losses and tried to help our fellow Americans.

Now, we are again at war, but this time it seems we are at war within our own boarders.  War against each other.  Racism has become so much worse over the years since this happened.  We no longer see each other as fellow Americans...we are now a country of "Them" and "Us."  What happened?  Why is it that we have gone from being almost color blind to now seeing the differences more than ever?  How can we get back to being one again, seeing each other as Americans all fighting for the same things, safer places to live and raise our children, housing and feeding the homeless and helping them become active in society, cleaning up our streets and making American a proud place to be?

Where was I when the towers fell, I was racing home to get my babies.  If life as we knew it was ending, if there was a chance we were going to have more attacks, if there was a possibility that this was my last day on earth I was going to spend it with my children in my arms.  I was going home.

9/11/01 - the day our country cried together.

Drama Free Zone - Day 29

Why is it that some people feel the need to live with drama after drama after drama?  Why is it those people feel the need to drag other into their drama, to be the center of attention, to make themselves feel so much bigger than others?

I ask because this happened to me yesterday when someone came to where I was sitting and made a big deal about and event coming up.  When I asked a legitimate question about the event, she got her panties in a twist.  I dropped it because I do not do drama and figured i could get my question answered somewhere else.  The subject appeared to be changed so I completely removed myself from the conversation.

Today, she decided to message me asking a derogatory question and being all dramatic, trying to make herself out to be some bad-ass type.  My response to her snotty question was, 'Excuse Me?'  I was not about to be pulled into some stupid conversation that was so ill timed and childish. 

What makes people feel they need to do this?  I must ask as I am just stupefied by the entire interaction.  Why can't we all just be nice and not try to be so disrespectful to others to try to make ourselves feel big or important.  

Personally I think that those who do this really have huge self confidence issues, needing to feel big when internally they feel very small.  Me, I really feel sad for them, wishing that they would look internally to figure out what their issues are and then work on them and make themselves feel better internally which will then ooze out instead of trying to hurt others to make themselves feel bigger and better.  Do they really feel better hurting others?  I sure hope that is not the case.

To those who wish to have drama in their world, to make others feel small in order for themselves to feel big, please keep this to yourselves.  We would all be much better if you would just keep your internal issues there and not share.  If, however, you need someone to help you, to listen to you, to make you feel better in a positive way, please do not hesitate to ask. I would be glad to help you become a better person.

GOAL:  Live in a drama-free zone!

I know I can - Day 28

The past day I have spent my time kicking myself for not being able to successfully complete something I worked so hard at.  For some reason something got in my head at the last part that caused me to lose.  Since then I have been trying to figure out what to do to get my head back in gear and make sure that it doesn't happen again. I have small idea what happened and it is literally, as a friend has so eloquently put it in the past,all in my head!

What I must do now is figure out how to get 'out of my head' and get back to doing what I have set out to do.  I know I can do it but getting it out of my head is the part I seem to lack the skill in doing.  Today, however, I will succeed because it is my time to shine. 

What is it that causes the self-doubt and self sabotage?  Is it hearing others say things under their breath that get lodged in our minds and sabotage us?  Is it our own inner voice that is really saying these things?  Does everyone have this problem or am I just special?  All questions I would love to have the answer to.

Surely I cannot be alone in this.  Can I?

I must find a way to get past it as it is holding me back. I must find the confidence in myself to be able to overcome this affliction.  No, this is not a disease that can be cured by medication...OK some may think so but I don't drugs.  (Ha)  To me, it is like a disease tho, a disease of the mind.  Something that needs to be addressed and cured so I can continue to better myself.  Regardless of what the challenge is, I need to have the confidence in my ability to complete the challenge and learn new ways to do so in the process.  Today, this will be by going within myself to find the thing I lack the most and repair it so it does not continue to hold me back.

I must change my state of mind and make sure that it is positive, remove all negative, remove all doubt, remove all other distractions that cause me to self sabotage and succeed. 

Goal today:  Think I can.  Know I can.  Do!

Anger - Days 26 and 27

Today I am going to discuss anger.  It is due to anger that I did not post yesterday.  Why, you ask?  Well, in trying to make sure that my blog is informative and not a rant session, I decided that yesterday since I could not write anything but rants I would just not write, but paint instead.  It seemed to take me forever to get motivated to even get off the couch, but I finally did and here is what came of that painting explosion.

What made me angry was irrelevant.  The fact that I let it consume me for a chunk of my day and stopped me from accomplishing things that I wanted is what I want to discuss. 

Anger:  a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a real or supposed wrong; wrath.

Anger tends to be a driving force for a lot of negativity in the world.  One big problem is that if you are angry and there is no one around, no one knows that your angry but you, no one is effected by that anger, and nothing is accomplished because of it.  All it does is eat into your time, your ability to do things, and your soul.  As I sat there yesterday being angry at something I could not control, I thought about all that it was controlling in me.  For the most part I try to be a positive person yet the negativity from this anger was consuming me, and I did not like it.  I finally got out of my negative funk and was able to be somewhat productive and enjoy a big part of my day but every time I thought about that situation that happened, I got angry all over again.  I tried to pay attention to how it felt, what I did, and what it did to me so I could write this today as an insight into that experience.

What I know about myself is that when I get like this, best thing I can do is walk away and forget the situation as best as possible.  Little bits and pieces still stay but finding something positive, even if it looks negative like the painting above, really does help.  Watching the clouds float by, watching a butterfly land on a flower looking for nectar, watching a dog run and play with a ball, all positive things and some I have used in the past to distract myself from the negative and put a positive spin on things.  

There is always something to be sad about in this world.  Just turn on the news or pickup a paper and you will find lots and lots of negative.  However, finding something to be happy about can turn it all around in an instant.  A simple smile shared can bring joy to two at once.  Stop and smell the roses, a simple thought but one with such wisdom.  Take time to enjoy the little things in life because, just as a single drop of water makes just a little spot, put lots of drops together and you get a puddle, more and you get a creek, even more and you get a river and so on.  The more positive moments you add or can find, the less the negative will be able to consume of your life and the more positive you will become.  

GOAL:  Make sure to let go of those things that spark the negative thoughts or feelings, the anger, the rage, as quick as possible to not allow it to consume and infect all the other moments in my life so I can fill it with more positive thoughts and experiences to be a better and happier person.

Does it matter what day it is? - ok...Day 25

Well, this would have been day 25 had I really stuck to the process I had started, getting up an hour earlier, using that hour to do 6 things (Silence, Affirmations, Vision, Exercise, Read, Scribe).  Well, the last part of the 25 days I have been counting I have only done 1, maybe 2. Think it's time to get my bum back in gear and push myself to get back to all 6.  I really did love the book and I really need to get myself on the path to bettering myself and to do so I have got to stick to a routine.  So, here is to getting back in my routine.

I must say that even just the journaling, or blogging, has become something I really do enjoy doing.  It is kind of like a release, allowing thoughts in my head to go somewhere to make space for more thoughts.  Seeing the words on the screen is, I guess, kind of therapeutic.  Think about it.  What do you do to release things from your mind?  I have gone back and read a few of my blog posts in the past few days and it was kind of like looking back in time. I can feel exactly how I felt when I wrote them. I must push myself to continue this and do more.  I must make sure tho not to dwell too much in what was already done.  The past is the past, it cannot be undone or changed. It is only there to help us realize what we did and how to do it better in the future.  Learn from your past but don't dwell in it or wallow in self pity over what cannot be changed.

So, today is the eve of my last vacation day for this 2 week stint I have been away from my daily grind job.  I want to get a few more things done before the end of this blissful release from the 7-5.  Today will be focused more on seeing family and friends.  I am really looking forward to this day.  Might even take a few minutes to put paint to canvas.  I have missed painting recently and really would love to do more of that too...and review my photos from the past week's adventures.  There were really some beauties.

Not much else to say except my goal for the day.  Today my goal will be to prepare myself mentally and physically to get back into routines that will better my mind and spirit.

Til tomorrow. Blessed be.

Waggles - Day 24

Greeting me at the door as I arrived late last night was at first, barks of protection, followed quickly by excited recognition as my key entered the lock.  Once that door was opened, getting in was almost impossible due to the exaggerated wagging butts and excitement coming from my 4-legged babies. You would think that I had been gone 4 years, not 4 days, but I guess in my dogs' minds, that was long enough.

After finally getting all my gear into the house, having my face sufficiently smothered in puppy kisses and having enough Bear hugs to cover my absence (for those of you who don't know Bear, he really does give hugs), I made my way in to relax.  What a very, VERY long day.  Nothing like riding/driving almost the entire day.  It was exhausting yet necessary to get back home.

A good night sleep later and I am here, writing again after reviewing my photos from the trip.  Sad to say many of my photos were disappointing.  Seems the lighting on cloudy days it harsh on photos but I did get a couple that were worthy of keeping.  The ones I like best, dare I say, seemed to come from my phone, but a lot of the reason there is that I was able to capture happy moments with my sweetie in them.

It does feel good to be back home again, although I would not mind stilling being on vacation.  Oh well, time to plan another one.  We did get to meet some very nice people along the way, see that drivers in many different states are not so pleasant, experience torrential downpours that stopped us in our tracks, see some beautiful sights, and have a whole lot of fun along the way.  Would not have changed a thing!

Day 23 - Heading Home

After a glorious long weekend away from home, today is our heading home day.  The long drive that awaits us will be broken in half with one more stop to see the natural beauty from our home state.  I will finish this post when we finally make it home and add pictures of our break in the day.

As promised, here is the final for the day.  Started off in Colorado Springs with a yummy breakfast with a great waitress.  After that, on the road we went.  We made a few stops, shopping a bit for souvenirs, then off to our mid-day stop which ended up being a little later than mid-day.  Oops.  Guess that happens when shopping takes a bit longer than expected.

We finally made it to Monument Rocks in Oakley, KS.  Talk about spectacular. It doesn't hold a candle to Garden of the Gods, however, for the flats of Kansas, this is pretty impressive.

While the drive was exhaustively long. it was an amazing trip.  There is something so relaxing about being with someone special to you and seeing things of such beauty.  I feel so blessed!

Day 22 - New Fear Found

I know that in the past I have talked about fears, two of my biggest being spiders and fearing something so much that it stops me from living.  Well, today I can honestly say I found a new one.  Being on the passenger side of a car when going up and down mountain passes when on the outside of the road. 

Yes, apparently I have a fear of heights that I didn't know I had.  I think it had a lot to do with not being in control of the car. I have driven on mountain passes before but the key there was I was driving.  I knew my son was scared of this exact situation but I figured it was because he was a child when we had driven on the Boreas Pass and that was why it frightened him.  Apparently not...guessing maybe it was a fear I had too, just didn't know it. 

The stretch we did today was from Colorado Springs to Cripple Creek.  The highest elevation sign I was able to see said 10,200 and that was on the downward pass.  Mountains have never bothered me before so when my fear hit today, I was pretty sure it was more of a lack of control than anything.  Guess all those times I was told I was a control freak they were actually right.  At least when it comes to driving in high places.  I admit it...I am a control freak then. 

New goal:  Learn to let go of the wheel more often.  I can't promise it will happen overnight nor can I say I will do it willingly all the time, however, now that I have someone in my life that I trust, I will let go more often. 

Day 21 - Back to nature

Today's blog is being brought to you from a much higher place.  No, not religious and I'm not stoned.  I am in Colorado where we will be getting back to nature.  So higher in elevation...no, I'm not going to get high while I'm here.  High on life is enough for me.  No need for additives.

We started our morning off with the gods, as in the Garden of the Gods.  How gorgeous to see those red rock formations protruding from the ground.  Truly one of natures finest works of art.  As we walked through we saw lots of wildlife as well, a couple deer, a bunny, and some beautiful birds...as well as those of the 2-legged kind.  Those were the ones I could live without.

I guess today's blog is going to be more of a story and a rant because while we were there, the natural sounds of silence with occasional talking of passers by or giggling of children as they ran thru nature's maze, we ran across some of 'those', you know the ones.  As you are sitting there reading this I am sure your mind is wondering to the rude people you have come across in your life.  The ones we dealt with today decided that blaring music was necessary while they were strolling through.

Headphones would be fine.  I understand how it can be deafening when it is too quiet, but come on.  Why in the world would people think we all needed to hear the crap they call music in a place that most have come to enjoy the quiet and serenity of nature.  Oh well, you can't fix stupid.

At least we were able to enjoy each other's company in a place so beautiful.

Day 20 - Choices

Yesterday morning I submitted a painting of mine for a contest.  Just a local "People's Choice" competition with a bunch of other artists from this area.  Some I really like and others that I would have no problem doing without.  Not because they are not good artists because in what they do, they are.  Their art s not my style but probably has a lot to do with their personality that I clash with more so than their art.  Abrasive is, I guess, one word that comes to mind as I think about them and the situation.  I sit and wonder tho.  Do I come off this way too?  

I have read or heard over the years that the faults we find in others are many times the faults we see within ourselves.  I noticed this yesterday as I made a comment and abruptly left before all the paintings had been hung because the 'alpha artist', for lack of a better term, just seemed to ignore everyone else's opinions and kept doing things her way, the same way they have done them year after year, never considering changing it up might make it better.  I whispered to the person next that I didn't agree with how she was doing it but because I didn't really care one way or the other, I was leaving so I didn't say something I shouldn't.  I am quite positive that I, too, came off quite abrasive during that moment.  Looking back at it, I wished I had just kept my mouth shut and left instead...but that would not be right either.  I'm not a sheep.

Sometimes it is really hard to turn the other cheek, hard not to voice your opinion or state a fact when you feel it deep inside needs to be said.  Sugar was meant to go in tea not on words, right?  We don't eat our words, we spit them out.  Granted some times we need to really think before letting them escape because once out, we do not get to take them back.  We must suffer the consequences that come from the release.

So I guess finding the happy medium between what you can tolerate and not being a sheep is something I still need to work on.  I credit my astrological sign, Aries, for a lot of who I am, the strengths or weaknesses depending on how you look at it.  Some of the strengths are courageous, determined, confident, enthusiastic, optimistic, honest, passionate.  I can say in my life I have, at times, felt those things.  Not always confident in who I was or if I was going to be able to do something because my self confidence took a lot of hits from my mother.  I have since tried to overcome that but it is still a struggle at times. Some of the weaknesses include impatient, moody, short-tempered, impulsive, aggressive.  These are traits I know I have and have tried working on over the years.  Have I succeeded, not always. I now know how to spot some of those weaknesses in myself and head them off at the pass when I see them guiding me in a direction I should not go.  Doesn't always work but try is all I can do.

Since I am trying to better myself and make sure that my actions are what I want to live with, how I want to feel about myself, looking back on the situation yesterday I could have been a little more tolerant.  At the same time, no, I probably couldn't.  In that situation, walking away and not looking back was the smartest thing I could have done.  I am not a sheep, I will not blindly follow just because others are going that direction. I am a strong, smart individual capable of making my own decisions and voicing my opinions when warranted.  I will stand my ground, even if only silently, and watch or just walk away.

Picking my battles is the lesson for me in all this.  Battles within myself as much as outside.  Everyday there are those moments when I must decide is it something I want to tackle, is it something that will better me, or is it something that is just not worth the effort to complete.  

What choices will today bring me?  What lessons will I learn?