Good morning world. It is butt-crack-of-dawn early on a Sunday morning. My brain decided that sleeping in was not in the cards for me today as it woke me up with this dream that I was eating something I had found on the ground that was either a butterfly cocoon or a turd. Either way that was disturbing enough for me to say 'oh hell no' and and get my bum out of that bed! Dream interpreting will not happen on this one as that was just gross. So here I sit with the only sounds in the house being the antique fan across the room humming it's little tune and the constant ringing in my ears that never seems to go away. I am sure there is some stupid pill some doctor could give me to try and drown out the sound or make my mind not notice it but since I do not take drugs or see doctors, this is the noise that plagues me. That's ok, though. I can live with this little annoyance. I am sure I did it to myself with all those years of heavy metal at full blast. Oh well.
I have been all too productive this morning. Taking the dogs out for their morning run (ok, letting them out the door to the back yard just doesn't sound as exciting) a d did a load of laundry. As I went to hang up one of my shirts, a sense that change is coming flooded over me. I realized that this shirt which used to resemble something I truly loved to do, this outside sensory stimulation that I craved was no longer what it was to me. My craving had subsided. The excitement of the win no longer being something I cared as much for. I know that this has been coming for a while but it just seems that in this moment, I realize that I just don't seem to care as much for it as I used to.
What I am talking about is irrelevant. What is relevant is the feeling. This, I believe, is what we feel when we have come to a realization, a break through moment when we really see something for what it is or was to us and how its meaning has changed, morphed into something foreign, no longer desirable giving us the feeling that it is OK to let go, to no longer put as much or any effort into trying to save it.
Its funny how I have seen this over the years with many relationships...with hobbies, books, television shows, jobs, even with other people. I guess we all seem to have a relationship with different things in different ways and they either flourish or fade away.
In the past few weeks, I have felt many changes occurring. I was looking deep into myself, seeing those things and activities I no longer find comfort in, that I can now leave behind like the words on pages of the previous chapter of my life have been written. Those words are only there for me to learn from and use for growth but not to dwell on or try to change. The ink is dry on those chapters and there is no changing what has occurred. There is only the ability to move forward and take with us the pieces we need to succeed in writing new pages and leave the old pieces that no longer hold value to our success on the side. Guess that is the baggage we all have. The question is will we let it hold us back, stopping us from being able to take a step in a new direction to continue to grow, or will we let go of it and start off fresh with arms free to grab hold of the new and exciting things in our path forward. It has taken a lot to get where I am and I cannot dismiss those who have helped me get here, be it things or people. What I can do to make sure that my journey continues to be successful and not get stuck is acknowledge what now feels like a heavy bag and let them go so my future can have my full attention and strength to push me forward.
I think I may have just interpreted my dream, at least in a sickly humorous way. I believe my sub-conscience mind was telling me that either way I go with my decision I have to make they are not going to be easy. Do I consume what I find to be beautiful, killing some things to become a better me or do I continue to eat turds and feel as I do today. OK brain, disturbing way to make me see something but I get it...and ewe. Next time how about just going with chocolate or sushi.
The decluttering continues.
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