Filling the Divots and Holes

For the past week I have been listening to a book and absolutely loving it.  Now, let me say this first, I am not a big reader or someone who listens to books all the time so for me to knock one out in a week means something.  This book, all I can say is perfect timing.  It is exactly what I needed to hear right now.  It made the past 49 years make sense and helped me see what I need to do next to better myself and get what I want.

Since I started it I caught myself thinking outside the box a lot more, trying new things I always thought were just out of reach, and getting out of my comfort zone.  I stopped finding excuses and started just doing the things that I know I love, need to do to love myself more, and focusing on what is most important right now...ME.  I have been so focused on everyone else for so long, so concerned what others thought, so afraid to rock the boat, fearing that people would think less of me if they knew who I really was that I hid behind the curtains, only allowing them to see the puppet version me that I made move by the strings of societies norms. 

It wasn't until just now that I really understood just how much of myself I have kept hidden.  Why?  Why do I really care what other people think?  Who is so damned important that their opinion of me should make me feel bad about myself.  I realized this stemmed from my childhood and that growing up in world where my mother was always spewing mean and cutting words at us as well as the pretty regular open hand or thrown object and my father made it abundantly clear he didn't want daughters.  I had been looking for their approval for so many years as a child, during those important years when our psyche is being molded, so impressionable as a piece of clay in the hands of an artist.  When those hands are hard and hurtful, they can create holes and divots instead of the solid and strong form which can allow for doubts and fears to sink in and fill the empty spaces. 

I am glad to say that this is not irreversible, just means a little more work is needed to remove those hurtful feelings of fear and doubt and fill those spaces with the power within.  Now, before I go on, now I am not blaming my parents for anything that has happened in my adult life.  I am not blaming them for the choices I made or anything else like that.  I will not give them that power over who I have become because I have made it to this point in spite of them, not because of them.  I am damn proud of where I am now and know that by making a few changes, now finding the things I need to fix and healing from within I will become an even better representation of me.  I will no longer find myself afraid to be me, giving a shit about what others think of me, fearing repercussions of removing the puppet strings and just living life to its fullest.

This book has not been the whole reason for this change in mindset but it has been another tool in my arsenal that helped me realize what I need to do, how I need to do it, and gave me ability to see my inner strengths that will propel me forward to the goals I have set for myself.  In the past few months the amazing writings I have listened to in audio books have really helped me tap into my inner warrior and given me an excitement towards the future I did not have, lit a fire for lack of a better term.  I am so ready for the next chapter of my life, having already started writing it with my new art pieces and business avenue added to my already full arsenal of beautiful things I capture and create.  Watch closely because there is so much more to come.  This is going to be an amazing year and I am excited to be able to share it with everyone. 

Next step...

Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer - #47

This past week I have noticed that I have been more negative than normal and I am honestly hating that.  As I woke this morning, the first thing that crossed my mind was my son was not home, was he  or was he in an accident.  Why did my mind automatically jump to the negative?  Do all parents do this? I mean, he is an adult and only stays here on weekends, if I'm lucky.  With work and school and all the other things he does, I'm lucky I see him that much.  There I went again...diving back into the negative.  This is so not like me and I honestly don't like it.  I am not sure what the issue is but this has got to change.

How do people live like this, day in and day out having nothing but negative in their minds?  How can they accomplish anything at all?  What is the point of doing anything if they already know they will fail?  Do they find pleasure in anything at all?  Do they find pleasure in spreading negativity?  Maybe that's it but what a horrible existence.

My negative thoughts continued as I started to write this entry.  You may not have noticed but I changed it from Day to numbers because I realized I can't seem to do this every day as I had initially started.  I almost didn't even write this one.  It feels like I have found another thing to fail at.  I have all but stopped all of my initial miracle morning things.  Even getting up early, except for this morning, has become a chore instead of a blessing.  What changed?  This I do not know but feel I must figure out as it seems I do this a lot.  I start things with excitement about the change and the outcome I see in my mind but I neglect to finish some or even come close in others. Why is that?

Guess I need to find a book or article or something on how to finish what you have started.  Is it possible it's out there? I can't be the only one with this problem, can I?  I see what I believe is happening. It is as if I am throwing hurdles on my path, just in front of my next step, trying to trip myself up.  Why would one do this?  Is this yet another thing that my troubled childhood left me with?  I am not looking to lay blame, just looking for an answer of how this started so I can begin to fix it.  Was it something I did to myself?  Is this a combination of it all or could it be a manifestation of the negativity I have been feeling this past week from an unknown that has brought this question to me?  Is it my mind's way of trying to turn it around, as a way to fight this feeling?

I used to say baby-steps but maybe even that was wrong.  Maybe I do need to take a running leap at everything I do and stop giving myself time to put reasons and doubts in my brain to sabotage myself.  Could that have been the problem all along?  That sure does pose an interesting question, one I must find the answer to.  Time to get up, dust myself off, put on a smile (even if fake for now), and muscle forward toward the thing I want.  Don't stop, don't look back and whatever I do, stop dropping hurdles in the way.  Make it to the finish line, to the end result.  Don't quit!

Time to bring in Positive Penny and Empowered Emily!

Does it matter what day it is? - ok...Day 25

Well, this would have been day 25 had I really stuck to the process I had started, getting up an hour earlier, using that hour to do 6 things (Silence, Affirmations, Vision, Exercise, Read, Scribe).  Well, the last part of the 25 days I have been counting I have only done 1, maybe 2. Think it's time to get my bum back in gear and push myself to get back to all 6.  I really did love the book and I really need to get myself on the path to bettering myself and to do so I have got to stick to a routine.  So, here is to getting back in my routine.

I must say that even just the journaling, or blogging, has become something I really do enjoy doing.  It is kind of like a release, allowing thoughts in my head to go somewhere to make space for more thoughts.  Seeing the words on the screen is, I guess, kind of therapeutic.  Think about it.  What do you do to release things from your mind?  I have gone back and read a few of my blog posts in the past few days and it was kind of like looking back in time. I can feel exactly how I felt when I wrote them. I must push myself to continue this and do more.  I must make sure tho not to dwell too much in what was already done.  The past is the past, it cannot be undone or changed. It is only there to help us realize what we did and how to do it better in the future.  Learn from your past but don't dwell in it or wallow in self pity over what cannot be changed.

So, today is the eve of my last vacation day for this 2 week stint I have been away from my daily grind job.  I want to get a few more things done before the end of this blissful release from the 7-5.  Today will be focused more on seeing family and friends.  I am really looking forward to this day.  Might even take a few minutes to put paint to canvas.  I have missed painting recently and really would love to do more of that too...and review my photos from the past week's adventures.  There were really some beauties.

Not much else to say except my goal for the day.  Today my goal will be to prepare myself mentally and physically to get back into routines that will better my mind and spirit.

Til tomorrow. Blessed be.