In watching the signs within my own mind and body, I have learned to spot the signs of something changing, something bothering me, something just not right. Yet knowing the signs and knowing what is the cause are two different things. What is it that has me so off?
For the past weeks things have just not seemed right, something is off, just out of wack yet I cannot put my finger on it. Is it just that my body is feeling the changes of the seasons in a different way than before? I am, after all, getting older and weather changes are bound to make me feel different. Or is it something else entirely? Is there something making me feel different than normal? Is it inside me or is it out? I can't seem to put my finger on it yet yesterday I felt it not only as a mental block but it also manifested itself in more physical ways, causing me to feel pain and tightness in joints and muscles. No, it's not the flu yet it is mirroring some symptoms of it, yet other symptoms that make no sense at all.
Things in my home have also not been right. First thing that really caught my attention was exactly 7 days ago when a 5 lb sphere of banded jasper was thrown off it's wrought iron stand where it has been sitting for over a year, the sphere going one way, the stand another, yet the dust under where it had stood was undisturbed. Not a living thing was anywhere near it, I had to wonder what caused this to happen. I apparently didn't give it much thought because since then things have begun to get stranger in a more personal way. I am now beginning to think about this and the rest of the odd occurrences the past 7 days. Was it the full moon or is it something much different, maybe someone or something trying to get my attention? Is there something I am ignoring that is really trying to get my attention, something that will, at whatever cost, get my attention one way or another to the point of causing physical pain.
My dreams have also been affected. Nightmares that came out of nowhere, not scary but not right. Waking with bruises and pains that didn't make any sense. Feelings of uneasiness and fear, yet not that I felt afraid but something was afraid. Made no sense really. Then yesterday when trying to explain the pain I was feeling, I said, "it's like someone cut off my arm and beat me with it." No idea where that thought came from but now diving further into it, that statement make so much more sense. Here is why.
As I sit here writing this and talking to my friend Sam, I think I figured it out. Something I have not admitted much outside of my very tight circle of friends is that I have a, not sure what to call...gift, curse, brain-tumor (just kidding, I do not have a brain-tumor). I have an ability to feel, see, sense, smell, and/or hear those no longer physically here who wish to communicate. I have had this ability all of my life I just never acknowledged it because I didn't want to be thought of as nuts. Not like I really care what people think, but it is not something I would wear on a t-shirt or post on billboard "I hear dead people" (insert joke here). Fine, there it is. I've said it. I am no different this morning than I was yesterday, I am just saying out loud. It's done.
Outwardly admitting it is something I have been avoiding for so long but in a way feel releasing. Almost as if the universe is say, 'it's about damn time.' OK...I get it. Now is time to help the ones who have been plaguing me the past weeks, time to help them with what is causing them pain and emotional turmoil. Being able to explain a little further how I know things I shouldn't. You have no idea how many times I have heard that and just ignored them or shrugged it off, biting my tongue so as not to say much to avoid those looks of curiosity, or worse yet fear. People are mean and honestly sometimes dealing with those no longer physically here is easier.
So with that being said, the proverbial black cat being let out of the bag, it's now time to quietly and listen to finally hear what I have been avoiding. To let this poor soul be heard, stop avoiding him and find out the message meant for me to hear. No, I will not share it as it is his message. I am just the vessel that will hold it tight for him so he can feel peace. I hope that it helps him. I really do. Maybe then I can get back to being me again, feeling my normal aging self, snaps, crackles, pops and all.
By the way, for those of you who fear graveyards or think they are scary because there are ghosts there, guess what...those are the quietest places you can go. Spirits aren't there. Only their bodies are left there, their souls go where they are familiar, if they stick around at all. Only things bad that happen in graveyards are done by the living. Just had to say it.
