Cocoon or Turd - day 35

Good morning world.  It is butt-crack-of-dawn early on a Sunday morning.  My brain decided that sleeping in was not in the cards for me today as it woke me up with this dream that I was eating something I had found on the ground that was either a butterfly cocoon or a turd.  Either way that was disturbing enough for me to say 'oh hell no' and and get my bum out of that bed!  Dream interpreting will not happen on this one as that was just gross. 

So here I sit with the only sounds in the house being the antique fan across the room humming it's little tune and the constant ringing in my ears that never seems to go away.  I am sure there  is some stupid pill some doctor could give me to try and drown out the sound or make my mind not notice it but since I do not take drugs or see doctors, this is the noise that plagues me.  That's ok, though. I can live with this little annoyance.  I am sure I did it to myself with all those years of heavy metal at full blast.  Oh well.

I have been all too productive this morning.  Taking the dogs out for their morning run (ok, letting them out the door to the back yard just doesn't sound as exciting) a d did a load of laundry.  As I went to hang up one of my shirts, a sense that change is coming flooded over me. I realized that this shirt which used to resemble something I truly loved to do, this outside sensory stimulation that I craved was no longer what it was to me.  My craving had subsided.  The excitement of the win no longer being something I cared as much for.  I know that this has been coming for a while but it just seems that in this moment, I realize that I just don't seem to care as much for it as I used to.

What I am talking about is irrelevant.  What is relevant is the feeling. This, I believe, is what we feel when we have come to a realization, a break through moment when we really see something for what it is or was to us and how its meaning has changed, morphed into something foreign, no longer desirable giving us the feeling that it is OK to let go, to no longer put as much or any effort into trying to save it.

Its funny how I have seen this over the years with many relationships...with hobbies, books, television shows, jobs, even with other people.  I guess we all seem to have a relationship with different things in different ways and they either flourish or fade away.

In the past few weeks, I have felt many changes occurring.  I was looking deep into myself, seeing those things and activities I no longer find comfort in, that I can now leave behind like the words on pages of the previous chapter of my life have been written.  Those words are only there for me to learn from and use for growth but not to dwell on or try to change.  The ink is dry on those chapters and there is no changing what has occurred.  There is only the ability to move forward and take with us the pieces we need to succeed in writing new pages and leave the old pieces that no longer hold value to our success on the side.  Guess that is the baggage we all have.  The question is will we let it hold us back, stopping us from being able to take a step in a new direction to continue to grow, or will we let go of it and start off fresh with arms free to grab hold of the new and exciting things in our path forward.  It has taken a lot to get where I am and I cannot dismiss those who have helped me get here, be it things or people.  What I can do to make sure that my journey continues to be successful and not get stuck is acknowledge what now feels like a heavy bag and let them go so my future can have my full attention and strength to push me forward.

I think I may have just interpreted my dream, at least in a sickly humorous way.  I believe my sub-conscience mind was telling me that either way I go with my decision I have to make they are not going to be easy.  Do I consume what I find to be beautiful, killing some things to become a better me or do I continue to eat turds and feel as I do today.  OK brain, disturbing way to make me see something but I get it...and ewe.  Next time how about just going with chocolate or sushi. 

The decluttering continues.

Anger - Days 26 and 27

Today I am going to discuss anger.  It is due to anger that I did not post yesterday.  Why, you ask?  Well, in trying to make sure that my blog is informative and not a rant session, I decided that yesterday since I could not write anything but rants I would just not write, but paint instead.  It seemed to take me forever to get motivated to even get off the couch, but I finally did and here is what came of that painting explosion.

What made me angry was irrelevant.  The fact that I let it consume me for a chunk of my day and stopped me from accomplishing things that I wanted is what I want to discuss. 

Anger:  a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a real or supposed wrong; wrath.

Anger tends to be a driving force for a lot of negativity in the world.  One big problem is that if you are angry and there is no one around, no one knows that your angry but you, no one is effected by that anger, and nothing is accomplished because of it.  All it does is eat into your time, your ability to do things, and your soul.  As I sat there yesterday being angry at something I could not control, I thought about all that it was controlling in me.  For the most part I try to be a positive person yet the negativity from this anger was consuming me, and I did not like it.  I finally got out of my negative funk and was able to be somewhat productive and enjoy a big part of my day but every time I thought about that situation that happened, I got angry all over again.  I tried to pay attention to how it felt, what I did, and what it did to me so I could write this today as an insight into that experience.

What I know about myself is that when I get like this, best thing I can do is walk away and forget the situation as best as possible.  Little bits and pieces still stay but finding something positive, even if it looks negative like the painting above, really does help.  Watching the clouds float by, watching a butterfly land on a flower looking for nectar, watching a dog run and play with a ball, all positive things and some I have used in the past to distract myself from the negative and put a positive spin on things.  

There is always something to be sad about in this world.  Just turn on the news or pickup a paper and you will find lots and lots of negative.  However, finding something to be happy about can turn it all around in an instant.  A simple smile shared can bring joy to two at once.  Stop and smell the roses, a simple thought but one with such wisdom.  Take time to enjoy the little things in life because, just as a single drop of water makes just a little spot, put lots of drops together and you get a puddle, more and you get a creek, even more and you get a river and so on.  The more positive moments you add or can find, the less the negative will be able to consume of your life and the more positive you will become.  

GOAL:  Make sure to let go of those things that spark the negative thoughts or feelings, the anger, the rage, as quick as possible to not allow it to consume and infect all the other moments in my life so I can fill it with more positive thoughts and experiences to be a better and happier person.

Early rise Day 1 - Butterfly confusion

This is my early rise day 1.  I started The Miracle Morning audio book last week and have decided that I would try to implement the things I am learning to improve myself.  One thing that I have found is that my sub conscience hates alarm clocks.  My brain wakes me 5-15 minutes before the alarm, I assume so I don't have to hear it.  How funny is that.

Well, after dawning on my gym clothes (work attire...I do love working from home), I head down stairs, grab a glass of water (another new thing), then make my first cup of heaven (yes, that's coffee for those who don't know me yet).  I then sat down to start putting into practice some of the things I have been learning.  This morning...Journaling.  So here goes.

I went to Powell Gardens in Missouri this past weekend and wanted to share this beautiful yet adorably confused blue butterfly. The reason I say adorably confused is that the fabulously large, pink flower with which it came to rest and tried to dine on was actually a poster of a flower.  It sat there for quite sometime trying to drink the nectar, allowing me to capture this and a few other gorgeous photos of it and all it's beauty.  Thank you to the person who decided they needed a poster of a big pink flower.  It worked great for me.