#80 - Keep Your Ewies to Yourself

To those who seem to think that it's ok to go out in public sick, sneezing and coughing all over the world without any care to those of us also out in public, I curse you.  I hope that you keep getting it back over and over again until you learn not to share.

Yes, I know that is harsh but come on, I was healthy until some sneezing, coughing idiot decided to bring his ewies out into public and infect all those who were unlucky enough to be around him of which I was one.  If you have to work, call in sick.  If you have to do something like, I don't know, an appointment at the car dealership to have work done on your car, RESCHEDULE.  Those of us stuck in the same incubator, I mean waiting room, would have appreciated it if you had.  It's just common courtesy.  I know, I know, common courtesy died along with common sense.  I just wish it wasn't true.

What, you ask?  Oh yes, many it seems have completely lost all 'give a crap' for anyone else.  They go through their days with one person in mind only, themselves, and all others don't matter to them at all.  They go out and spread their germs with not a care in the world for others. 

Did you know that the germ cloud you spew, up to a water bottle worth of mucus, when you sneeze travels up to 35 meters per second?  The biggest droplets within your germy gas cloud of ick can travel up to 2 meters away.  Oh and let's not forget the smaller drips, they can travel up to 8 meters away.  All this fasinating information can be found online by searching like I did for 'how big is the germ cloud from a sneeze'.  All this disgusting information is readily available.  Now, anyone got a gas mask?

After looking up all this disgusting facts that make me want to hermit myself even more, I have come to one conclusion.  STAY HOME IF YOUR SICK.  Think of all the poor souls you can be saving by taking time out of your busy schedule to get healthy.  We will stop cursing you.

Thanks in advance!

#79 - Tis the Season of Giving

Do you know how it feels to give a gift to someone, that warm feeling inside.  Volunteering gives the same type of feeling, that warm, fill-you-up-with-goodness-inside feeling that you just can't get anywhere else.  The feeling that no matter what is going on in your life, no matter how much extra money you can spare, giving of your time is something that is free and so rewarding.  Filling food boxes after major weather events, gathering food in food drives, donating my spare time to help at the food bank or cooking and feeding the homeless were things I felt compelled to do.  I even got the children involved when they were little donating all the still good but outgrown toys so other children could enjoy them too.  We didn't have much, but more than some and having been homeless for a time, I felt compelled to help as much as possible.

After the death of my husband when we were new to being a family of 3 and income of 1, when things were super tight and paying bills and buying the bare necessities for meals was about all I could afford and the thought of not having things for the children to open on Christmas morning was a probability, I was given a special surprise.  Someone who knew my children and the situation had stepped up and gathered a handful of toys and had them wrapped and left them at our home in a big box.  The message inside just a simple Merry Christmas and the gifts with the children's names on them.  I do not know who had put my children on a list but some special angel did and each had a handful of thoughtful and fun gifts for them to open.  My heart while broken by all that had happened a couple months earlier had been filled by the love of strangers the moment I needed most.  Just the little gifts, not expensive, but priceless in my mind.

Over the years, while I continued to struggle financially but got back on my feet enough to make living a little easier, having a home and food on the table for my children, and being able to afford a little extra at times, I have tried to pay it forward.  There is something heartwarming about being able to help someone in need.  I'm not talking about throwing money at the corner beggars.  Half the time I figure they have some expensive car waiting around the corner for them to drive to their expensive homes in.  I'm talking about those who are just down on their luck needing a little help.  Most of those will be too proud to ask or if they do, they only ask for their children and for the absolute minimum they really need.  Or maybe helping with big projects for people who have lost everything due to fire or some other horrible natural disaster.  There are so many who really do just need a little help, just a hand to get back to some sense of normalcy. 

This time of year, the holiday season when so many are spending hundreds if not more on gifts for themselves and their loved ones, it is nice to be able to help.  Dropping money in the kettle in front of the stores, buying gifts for those who have less, just being able to help gives the giver such a warm  feeling.  I believe that we shouldn't wait til the end of the year to help, if able help all year round, but doing it at the holidays will brighten your season as well as others.  Take the time to give a little if you can, even if just sharing a smile or donating unused items to a charitible organization.  It will help brighten up your season as well as those receiving. 

#78 - Can you feel me?

The house was cold and still, not a noise to be heard.  Alone, silent, afraid to move lying in the bed he made of his own fears and anger.  The house knew.  Those left behind knew, yes, they knew what he had done, what he had said, how he had acted.  It was no secret, not to them.  The house had its secrets and he had to live with them.

Steve, one of the houses permanent residents, previous owner and now forever occupying the space where he took his last breath, forever walking the halls of the home he once heard the laughter of his children in as they played.  He would never leave. This was his home.  His home he would now have to share with others who came after him and tried to call it their own.  The big question...could he allow them to live there in peace, or better yet, would he?

A strong, tall, slender man who held his head high as a proud man, Steve was always the life of the party, the friendly voice greeting everyone he met.  He was a gentle soul, a loving father, a doating husband, the man who everyone could rely on to do whatever was needed.  Loved life, loved his family. He was the man who seemed to have everything and who loved his son with every last breath he had.  

His son, a miniature version of the father, the light of his life, his reason for living after his wife had passed.  He had grown up to be a wonderful young man, so full of life, with so much going for him, big plans and dreams.  Plans to be like his father yet his own man.  Plans cut short as his life was snuffed out ever so suddenly.  Loss.  The sharp knife cutting deep into the heart of his father as he passed.  Life ceased to have any meaning now for Steve.  The light in his eyes had faded, his smile forever turned down following the tears that escaped him. 

A father is not supposed to bury his child, especially not his son who was to be the one who carried on the family name, the legacy now lost with one fell swoop.  This proud man now broken, a shadow of who he was, wallowing in sorrow, smile burried with his child.  He lost his will to live, his reason, his purpose.  Nothing was left for him on this earth, no reason, no care,  nothing but heartbreak and pain was left inside him.  

Another day, another painful day.  Every night in his dreams he relived happier days with his family, the sounds of children playing and laughing, his heart filled with joy, holding on so tight only to wake and find it was all gone.  His life now filled with darkness and gloom.  Why was he still here?  What was the reason to go on?  He no longer had answers to those questions.  He no longer cared.  Having lost all hope, heart shattered, he made up his mind.  His time was done. Just had to finish one last thing.

He prepared the rope, knot tied tight and noose high to insure it would be quick.  No need for a letter, no one to write to.  His pain filled heart would beat one last time, one last breath would leave his body, one last thought, one last tear.  Soon he would be free of this pain, no longer alone, with his beloved family, or so he thought.  One last sound, the chair slapping the floor as he knocked it down to complete his final task, or was that the sound of his neck snapping as the weight of his body fell.  

Alive no longer, Steve now walks the hallway of his once family home, looking for the loves he has lost yet never finding them.  He is forever alone, interacting with those who move in to make the house their new home.  He wants to leave but can't, wants to find his family but they are long gone from this earth.  Alone, still heartbroken.  

Now his days and nights, time meaning nothing to him, are spent watching the life happening with the new families in his home.  He tries to interact with those around him, only instead causing fear and pain.  Does he mean to?  Is it how he shows his feelings now?  Invading the dreams of those who now live there, causing cold spaces when he is angry.  He also likes to play, running his fingers through the hair of the ladies that find themselves alone there.  He misses his wife, his child, his old life.  Now he waits for opportunities to be seen and heard again.  He is learning.  

Do you feel him, hear him, see him?  If not yet, just wait.  You will.

#77 - Monday, Monday...ugh!

Well, it is the first day after a week off from work and I must get my bum in gear to start back to the grind.  My mind is fighting me all the way as it has no desire, neither does my heart or soul.  Oh how I wish I could retire from my job and start doing what I really want to do...not nearly old enough to even think that thought tho.  Guess I must play the lottery instead.

There are days when I wish I was a little more of a risk taker.  Having had to be the  'adult' in every situation my entire life, I never got the chance to just take the risk and see what happened. I always had someone relying on me to pay the bills, put food on the table, keep a roof over our heads.  Even when I was little, I was the one who had to make sure the others got fed and off to school.  My parental guidance was missing in action.  I had no roll model to learn from so I did what I felt needed to be done, giving no time for trying new things.  If I had one thing I regretted from my childhood it was having real parents who cared enough to really be there as parents and do their jobs!

Not that I am unhappy, not for a second.  I love what I have in my life now and wouldn't change it for the world.  Early on after my husband passed and after I survived my cancer scare, life looked incredibly short in comparison to how it looked before.  I did take a big risk.  With the help of a friend who had the same passion as I did, we opened a restaurant.  It was amazing to put our love of coffees and baked goods into our daily business and survive.  It was also but so worth it.  One of those things I could scratch off the old bucket-list.

Since then I have had other small businesses.  My art and photography would be what I would love to do fulltime but living where I do, I have not found a way to make them profitable enough to live on and honestly I don't want to be a starving artist.  I like to play and travel too much.  I still have people relying on me to be able to help when needed so that is not as much of an option as I would like.  As I said, I need to win the lottery.  Or...

Maybe I need to learn to take the risk.  I need to figure out what I can cut from my life to allow more to risk so in the future I can focus on mainly what I love instead of wasting hours of my day for a company who only knows me as a number and could care less if I am financially stable or successful.  They care only about their bottom line. Nothing about the minions who do the daily grind to make them that money.  Why is it corporate America has lost sight of the people who actually do the work?  Is it all companies or just the ones I have worked for that don't seem to care?  They don't give raises when they should even if you get highest marks on reviews.  The insurance they offer is so bad that we pay for it only so we don't get penalized for not having it yet hope we never have to use it because we couldn't afford the deductible due to never getting the raises to get us to a livable wage.  Is this the norm now in Corporate America?  It makes me sad for all college kids coming into Corporate America now with hundreds of thousands in school loans not knowing that this is what it is really like.

Well, guess this is where I sign off for the day so I can log into my corporate America job and start my daily grind.  Some day I will learn to take that risk, that leap of faith in myself and do what I love instead of what pays bills, sort of.

#76 - Introverted or Extroverted

Introvert or Extrovert.  Why is it that we put people into one of two categories.  I recently found an article that made so much more sense than trying to fit round pegs into square holes.  Not every person is so perfectly formed that they just fit.  Why does everything have to be black or white.  What about all the different hues in the world of color.  It is the same with personality types.  You can be an extroverted introvert or an introverted extrovert.  Each of us is unique.  I can honestly say I fit into the introverted extrovert.  Here are some of the reasons why.

Shy:  When in a group of my friends, people I know, I can be very outspoken, however when I am in a group of people I do not know I can be more on the shy side.  I have always called it acting like wallpaper, hanging around to decide if I want to participate or just leave.  I know, my friends are going to fall over reading this but it's true. 

Secretive:  As for sharing, while I can seem like an open book, I keep many secrets close to the vest.  There are so many things about me that very few know and even some none do.  In my life, I have seen so much pain, experienced so many things that others just couldn't comprehend.  I have always said that Stephen King, my favorite author as a kid, could get ideas from my life for a book.  Maybe someday I will write my story and let it out, but until then those secrets will stay tightly locked away where I can protect them.

Vulnerable:  Only those closest will ever know my vulnerabilities.  To most I seem like a rock but very few will ever get close enough to really know me. Most will just see what I want them to see and no more. I have always found that those who get real close, close enough to see the softer side, seem to either be those I want in my world or those who hurt me.  Even as recent as 2 days ago this came to be true.

Homebody:  I love to socialize. While I look forward to getting out with friends to do things like go to the movies, play pool, visit new restaurants, I have no problem staying home chilling and doing my own thing.  Home equals safety.

Socially Limiting: This is one I am trying to expand on but I still find myself trying to limit my social obligations to things I can control.

Smalltalk is Wasted Breath:  Well, this is kind of true.  While I do like to talk on the phone sometimes, there are other times that I just roll my eyes and get annoyed.  Small talk is the killer of conversations.  I am very good at it but it is really rather boring.  I don't mind it so much with those I love because I can read through it to hear and feel what is going on with them.

Love and Dislike People:  I have been saying for years that I like 4-leggers better than 2.  I usually said it with a laugh but it is honestly true.  While I love being around people I get annoyed with them at the same time.  Typically it is strangers that are most annoying, like crowds in a mall or at concerts or other large groups.  This is one main reason I truly love my alone time which is apparenty is a killer of relationships, or so my last would leave me to believe.  I guess it is not a good idea to ask for space.

Silence is Golden:  Even tho I tend to have music or TV or something else making noise in my world most of the time, that is background nosie. Silence is precious.  Even the sound of a Neuton's cradle in motion is therapeutic. There are moments when listening to something as simple as my breath or the ticking of a clock or the sound of wind is enough.  It doesn't mean anything is wrong, just enjoying the peace that is around.  While being the energy and drive is what I am known to be, needing to recharge is a requirement.  Sitting silently on a beach listening to the waves slap the sand, the guls flying overhead and the winds wisking by is my favorite place to return to myself.

Master of Putting off Answering:  When I read this, I found it to be quite funny because this is part of what caused a recent relationship to fail.  I had no idea this was part of being an introverted extrovert but apparently it is why I get overwhelmed by the pressure of having to respond sometimes so I just put it off.  Yes, this happened and apparently it is a bad thing.

Love Too Easy:  This is a curse.  Rose colored glasses and all, seeing only the good sides and ignoring the bad that will eventually hurt me.  

Born to Lead but may not want to:  It really depends on what it is as to whether or not I want to lead it.  I have, I can, but in many instances I just don't want to.  

Always have an Escape Plan:  This is probably the most accurate of all.  I always know how to leave, have it planned just in case.  Being that I have been through so much, I just plan ahead so I can survive whatever the situation.  

Reading into the different types, the greys of the personality types, has been an interesting lesson and made so much sense.  It also gave me a better understanding of other people I have met and gotten to know.

#75 - True Colors

It's funny how when given enough time people show their true colors regardless of how they try to hide them.

As said in songs and poems, we all wear masks to hide our true selves.  For whatever reason, we don't want the world to see.  Whether it be to hide the truth or shield ourselves from those who would wish us harm, we hide.  It can also be a product of our past like a wall built to protect from the pain people inflict on each other or it can be to weasle in and do harm. 

Recently I was shown the man behind the mask worn by someone who claimed to love me.  It is ironic how quickly that four letter word, love, is shattered into a million pieces by other words and actions. Civility flew out the window with this man's last words to my son who was trying to defend his mom.  True colors shown brightly at that moment.

Now, quite positive that I made the right decision to remove him from my world, life continues.  As I have come to find there is almost always a silver lining to every cloud.  Yesterday's events, while they angered me at the time, have actually helped me in that I will never look back and wonder what if because I have been given the answer.  This was a gift, disguised in meaness but I will look at it as a gift none the less.

Lesson learned:  Always listen to your gut.  It sees what your eyes cannot.

#74 - All I can do is hope

I have been staring at the screen for the past few days, ok almost a week, feeling at a loss of what to write.  It has been a rollercoaster of a week with emotions hitting highs and lows, drama trying to enter my world, and decisions about my future lingering in my brain seeming to clog up the works.  With a welcome week off from my daily grind, I have been trying to recover some of my sanity and peace by bringing back into my world luscious foods and the beauty of art.  Keeping myself hunkered down away from all the craziness just outside my door.

It seems that with the days and weeks leading up to the holidays, the holidays themselves, and all the insanity that goes with them we seem to lose sight of what is truly important.  It isn't the money we spend or the gifts we buy.  It isn't being the first to have something or the one who gets the most.  Why is it that our society has put such an importance on the frivolous things instead of what should be at the top?  Media and big-box stores create feeding frenzies over the must-have stuff, making the holidays about shopping instead of spending time with friends and family, and even causing riots and fights in the stores by limiting the amount of those must-haves.  I even watched a video from a store of an adult taking a toy out of the hands of a child and then dancing around with it while the child stood there in shock.  What in the hell is wrong with people today that material things would make such animals out of them?

As I watch the news, see the feeds online, and witness with my own eyes the insanity that is infecting people during the season, I am sad about how so many people are infected with this greed and stupidity.  We have gone from political ads all over the TV, news and mail (inbox and snail-mail) to ads and mailers selling us on crap we don't need but they make us feel we have to have.  Every ad selling us more and more 'stuff'.  What will it take to remind people what the holidays should be about, not what media and retail giants have made it?

Now, to be clear, this is not a religious plug.  While I was brought up being spoonfed christianity, it is not part of my world so I am not going to discuss what people see as the religious side of the holidays.  To me, the holidays are for giving gifts from the heart and soul, meals with friends, sharing good will, helping those in need, and giving to those who have less.  This is when we should stop thinking about ourselves and help those less fortunate.  Something as simple as sharing a smile or giving a hug can brighten someone's day and give them a warmth from the inside that no store can sell.  Instead of literally fighting with each other over the last toy or sale item in the store we should be trying to help one another.  How is it that so many people have grown so callused, unable to see what they are doing is hurting others?  They are so self-absorbed they can't see how their actions affect those around them.  Parents sending messages to their children that it is ok to be greedy and take what you want and that having is more important than giving.

It is these things that make me sad about the holidays.  Sad that in our country so many have chosen to be all about money instead of helping our fellow man.  All about judging people who may not have as much as others instead of trying to assist them in becoming more.  Trying to keep up with the Jones' of the world instead of being grateful for and content with what we have.  I don't know if society can be fixed.  I don't have a magic wand big enough or spell strong enough to fix what has been broken inside those who have grown to be so self-centered and self-serving.  All I can do is hope that some day those people will be gone and those who come after will have more heart and soul and see what is truly important.  All I can do is hope...

#73 - Turkey-day

There are several days a year when Americans do the similar or the same thing. Today is one of those days. In my family I can remember this day being pretty much the same since I was a little girl and my gramma would get up early on turkey-day, get the bird in the oven  super early then start prepping all the sides, or as they were known in our house, the fixins.  Yea, it was a southern thing.

Remembering those days brings a warm feeling to my soul and a smile to my heart.  My gramma, what a classy lady she was, full of life and spunk, beautiful yet humble, sweet as can be but stern when needed.  She was everything I wanted to be when I grew up. 

As the only real role model I had since my own mother was, well that's another story, my gramma gave me the strength I needed to endure pretty much anything. I can remember many dinners at her house, many times I helped her prepping for those meals and cleaning up after. I can remember watching her make pies and other yummies and hoping that some day I could do them just as good as she did.  Getting elbow deep in flour and making messes while trying to help but learning as much as I could.  Those were the days I want to hold onto from my childhood.

That spunky lady even went on after divorcing my grandfather in her 50s to go back to school, something he would not allow her to do when they were married, and get her nursing degree and go on to be a nurse.  She taught me to never give up on your dream.  Never let them see you cry.  Never expose your weak points.  Never ever let a man stop you from doing and being what you want. Always make sure your children come first in everything you do but do not let finishing that task be the end of it all.  Go on and continue living, continue gropwing, and never stop having fun. 

I still remember a photo of her whitewater rafting in her late 50s.  She did live.  Even remarrying later in life to a fabulous gentleman who treated her like the queen she was.  She was able to enjoy her life, have her cake and eat it too, so to speak.  Raising 4 children and surviving the early years of an abusive relationship then going on to become who she really wanted to be. 

Sitting here writing this, I am realizing for the first time just how much our lives mirrored each other.  I am just hoping that I have made her proud.  I hope that I am as strong as she was, have the courage she did to continue to push and push til I get to sit down and eat my cake.  I must thank her for all she gave me, for teaching me to never give up, to just survive until it's time to thrive, then go forward and conquer. 

So now that my bird is in the oven and I prepare to make the pies and all the sides, I feel a presence here with me, standing beside me as I prepare the meal I will share with my family.  I wonder how many other little girls are up helping their grammas make the feast we will all share today on this American holiday when we all do pretty much the same thing.

Happy Turkeyday.

#72 - Be Silly Putty

With the holidays coming up so quickly an the end of another year, I have decided that 2018 has moved by too fast...what have I accomplished.  Think I will take this opportunity to take a look back at the year.

I know my businesses have changed quite a bit, going from doing art shows, craft fairs and events almost every weekend in previous years to just a couple this year and focusing more on fine arts and entering contests I never would have dreamed of before. My painting has changed so much, adding the twists of abstract paintings to the library of my works.  I have found that coloring outside the lines is something I really do enjoy and find that it can touch so many more people as they are able to see things in my works that I can't.  I do love that part of art, making people feel.

My cameras have not been ignored.  I have enjoyed taking them on many different adventures this year including going to many places I had not been before and seeing new things I could share with others through my photographs.  There is something so freeing about jumping in the car, camera in hand, and just going until I find something I must capture, then going again, continuing to spend the time looking for the beauty in the world that we so often miss because we rush from place to place without slowing to see the sites inbetween.  I was able to capture mountains and forests, animals and plants and people, historic buildings and places, and even beauty in simple things we take for granted. The lens sees all and freezes moments in time allowing us to pause and review and share with others those things otherwise lost to time.

I rediscovered my love of writing, something I did when I was young to get my feelings out typically in poem form but never really shared.  Only having been published a couple of times but having one of my poems stolen and republished through the internet with minor changes and tweeks stopped me from following that path much more out of fear of losing my works again. This blog gives me the opportunity to write my thoughts, share the insane things that happen to me, and continue to explore the written word (ok typed word) so hopefully some day I can continue those books and manuscripts I have started but left unfinished over the years.  Maybe some day.

Adding a new business to my portfolio definitely added more excitement and fun to the mix.  Getting back into the kitchen where I can create more beautiful and yummy things like I did when I owned my cafe/bakery was an added bonus that came from adding Pampered Chef to my resume.  I forgot just how satisfying it can be to take simple ingredients and create a masterpiece of flavors.  It has allowed me to explore the healthy cooking side of the kitchen even more but not forget the baking that I so love to do and now combining them.  

Maybe it's time to combine all my loves into something new, a new challenge, a new experience I have not had yet.  The posibilities are endless and I look forward to 2019, ready to add a few more firsts to my list of experiences.  Life is, after all, a collection of experiences that mold and shape us into who we are.  By staying pliable and allowing those experiences to continue to shaped us, by not becoming rigid by experiences that may not have been so positive, we are able to grow and prepare for even more greatness that life has to offer.  Kind of like the silly-putty we used to play with as children, transfering the images of comics from the news paper a nd stretching them into funny abstracts of themselves then wadding it up to start again or mold it into something new.

Goal:  Stay pliable, have fun, and keep your eyes open to the future.

#71 - Let the turkeys hit the floor

This morning I sit here with my arm wrapped up and throbbing, wishing I had listened to that lyric that has haunted me ever since.  Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor.  Why is it that brilliant thoughts like that don't come to me until I have do something stupid?  Why did I just let the darn turkeys fall instead of trying to catch them?  Even the meat department guy said, 'you should have let them fall.  Then someone in management would see this is a bad setup.'  Duh!

OK, guess I should back up a minute and explain.  Ever notice how places like Wal-Mart have their meat department setup with shelves that are higher in the back so meat falls forward to the barrier in the front for easy shopping?  Well, our local Wal-Mart has this exact setup.  Problem is that they apparently have not set it up correctly or are using cheap materials and the front barrier is not as stable and strong as it needs to be, especially when they put things like 10-12 pound turkey breast which was apparently frozen with lots of 'juices' so when it was thawed was like a salmonella filled water balloon just waiting for a target.

So when I went there Monday night after playing an awesome match at my pool league, I picked up a few other things I needed and then decided to look for a turkey for the upcoming holiday dinner.  I stopped in the meat department started sifting through the turkey breasts when all hell broke lose, literally.  Next thing I knew my mommy instincts kicked in and I as trying to stop the nasty turkey balloons from hitting the floor and exploding all over my boots (and everything else in the area).  I'm sure everyone has seen those commercials of the pile of oranges or canned food that when one falls, they all fall, well, I could already see it happening and becoming a scene from a CSI episode with bodies and guts all over the floor.  Yes, I could already see it in my head and was trying to avoid the nasty chaos.

Glad to say that I did save my boots.  I did not have a salmonella filled turkey balloon explode all over the place but it was at the expense of my arm which I am now dealing with.  According to the doctor I did some really long titled thing to my elbow, no I don't remember what he called it, but essentially I pulled muscles in my elbow that extend from my ring and pinky fingers in my right hand.  This makes simple things like raising a glass (yea, I have been forced to learn to drink coffee with my left hand), getting dressed (if only I could just let the girls go free), and even starting my car (ignition on the right) very challenging to say the least.  Since I do not like taking medication I refused the prescription for the pain meds and anti-inflammatory pills the doc wanted me to take to make it easier to deal with.

The only thing I can do now is wait for it to heal.  I am now supposed to have it in a sling or wrapped to remind me not to use it.  I suck at being a patient, especially since it's just me so it makes daily tasks a little more challenging.  Not using my arm, especially with Thanksgiving coming up this week is really going to be, can we say difficult.   Turkey isn't gonna get out of the oven on it's own.  This might be the year we see how many restaurants are open, ya know like in the movies.  Maybe Chinese or Thai for Thanksgiving.  Hmmm, that's a thought.

Oh well, moral of this story is, LET THE TURKEYS HIT THE FLOOR.  Hopefully next time I will remember lyrics of a song instead of letting the mommy-brain engage.  It may be safer.

#70 - Dr. Quack and Nurse Ratched

I thought the worst thing to happen to me yesterday was having to get an idiot to pull over on the highway.  This moron was driving 70+ miles an hour, cell phone in his left hand, right hand trying to manipulate a pen and paper to take notes while he was looking down at his (presumably note pad) instead of looking forward where his 3 ton death machine which almost took out 3 vehicles before I got to him.  Thankfully when I laid on my horn and refused to stop, he put down everything and pulled over to complete his whatever-the-hell he was trying to do.  If the day could have gone up from there, that would have been awesome...but nope.  It slid down, down, DOWN into the record books as a real loser.

I drove the additional 40 miles to pick up my 82 year old mother-in-law to go a recommended orthopedic doctor that everyone said could help her with her ankle/foot pain.  From her house we went the additional 35 miles to KU Medical Center in Kansas City to the Orthopedic wing.  We got there, found a parking spot, and went into the office at 11:30 AM for a 12:00 PM appointment.  I know, what were we thinking being early.  UGH!

So we go in and get checked in, filling out a stack of paperwork that would make a forest cry and sat down to begin our waiting experience.  After sitting, pacing, playing games, sitting longer, reading emails, sitting longer (guess you get the drift here), I went up to the front desk where I was greeted by a snotty, sourpuss face woman I am calling Nurse Ratched.  She really lived up to the character from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest as she was also a cold, heartless, and passive-aggressive battleaxe, probably not a nurse tho.  Just office staff that made you want to throw the clipboard at her and say,
'oops, sorry...it slipped.'  She proceeded to inform me that 3-4 hour wait time was expected in this office as Dr. Horton was just 'that good.'  All I could do was shake my head at the arrogance of that office thinking this was OK.

Sometime around 1:30 PM we walked down the long corridor to get something to eat and drink since this was going to be some marathon type waiting event.  We got caffeinated beverages and what I believe was supposed to be pastries at a coffee cart type place in the hospital (yea, hospital food would have been better) and went back to the waiting room from hell.

Another hour has now passed and finally someone calls mom's name.  It is now 2:30 PM and they are taking her for x-rays on her foot.  They put her in a small room and then off they go, closing the door leaving us to wonder what next.  Fast forward another 30ish min and a resident comes in.  She is, let's just say very colorful, in her white mini-dress, burgundy tights and turquoise accented brown cowboy boots.  She proceeded to look at mom's ankle and foot and basically said there was probably nothing that could be done short of surgery but she would share her findings with the doctor who would be in shorty.  Shortly ended up being another hour!!!

It is now almost 4 PM and yes, we are still here.  The arrogance of this office is astounding, the staff leave a lot to be desired, bedside manner is lacking severely.  Even the cleanliness of this office is left to question based on the room we were in.  Disgusting is putting it mildly when you consider what looks to be mold growing on the soap dispenser.  Just nasty!

Dr. Greg Horton finally graces us with his presence around 4, yes that is 4 hours after our scheduled appointment.  He gives mom a quick look, doing everything his resident did earlier, speaks to her for about 3 minutes, then that's it.  THREE MINUTES is all we get after waiting for FOUR HOURS!  He then sends her off to have a boot made and that is all he does.  The arrogance of the medical profession astonishes me.

Finally we leave the facility from hell just in time to get into the rush hour traffic from hell.  I now know where I never want to go for any medical anything.  Just glad we were not the other family we met in the waiting room who drove 3+ hours to get the same type of treatment.

Needless to say boredom did kick in so had to find something to do, hence the last picture.  Had mom rolling.  Other than that and getting to spend time with her, this day just sucked!

Thanks doc.

#69 - Don't Judge Me

You are standing in line at the store to check out with the few items you have to purchase.  In front of you is a dirty man, clothes torn and tattered, shoes covered is yucky substance, smelling a bit too ripe, purchasing what looks to be a meal for the night.  What are you thinking?  Are you wondering if he is homeless and was able to find enough change to buy a meal?  Are you thinking this guy is disgusting and shouldn't be in the store like this?  Is this man just on his way home from a not-so-pleasant job that he is doing to feed his family and keep a roof over their heads.  Unless you strike up a conversation, you will only have your opinions, questions, and assumptions to go on.  What about the woman who has screaming children in her cart, looking exhausted and ready to crawl into a corner, curl up in to a ball and hide.  What are you thinking as she is trying to quiet them with no success?

How about this one.  A young mother of two small children has called your HVAC business for help with the heater in her home which is no longer working.  It's freezing outside and they are all huddling around the fireplace as there is no other place to get warm.  You come in and assess the situation and determine that a new unit is needed because repairing this one will cost more.  She reluctantly agrees knowing that there are no other choices but this will take all she has left for the children for the holidays, Christmas will be scarce this year, but they will be warm.  During the conversation you find that she is single, the dad of the children no longer in the picture.  Not much information was shared so you have no idea why.  So, do you assume that he is a dead-beat dad?  Or are you thinking maybe the kids were born out of wedlock? Do you judge her for being alone? Do you say things to her like, "those children would be better off with a man in the picture" or "their father should really be here to take care of you all" or some other derogatory comment?  How about assuming that she must have pushed the father out of their lives because that's what women do, come to mind?

The first two situations above I have seen happen many times in stores where people judge others by how they look and not bother to learn about them first.  The third actually happened to me the first winter after my husband died.  Where I live in the bible belt of our country, it has been my experience that those judging are the self-proclaimed 'God fearing' types who snubbed their noses at others not believed to have been good enough.  No, this is not just an assumption.  I am a people watcher and pay attention to those little details that give it away.  The cross hung so elegantly around the neck on a gold chain, the sly comments are twisted pieces of Sunday morning sermons, the high and mighty walk of those who think their poo has no smell other than roses from the garden of Eden.  I was brought up southern baptist so when I say I have heard it, believe me because they are some of the worst when it comes to being hypocritical, opinionated judge and jury to those believed to be beneath them.

The second situation was a preacher of a local Christian church who happened to own a HVAC business.  He berated me for several hours because the father of my children was not in the picture.  I had not shared that he had passed.  When I called the company to have my heating situation fixed, I was looking for someone to do a job at a reasonable cost and this company had come well recommended as being good and not too expensive, being able to work with those who needed help.  I had no idea that it meant I would be made to feel as small as a pebble on the bottom of someone's shoe.

To get the work done and heat for my children I did not initially correct the assumptions this man had made of me and my situation.  I let him continue to 'preach' to me about the immoral ways I was living, allowing him to continue to ride that high horse he perched himself up on, all the while planning my attack.  Finally the new unit was in and he was about to be paid.  Time to let him have it.  As he finished and I told him to send me the bill, no I wasn't going to just write him check and allow him to get away with the hours of punishment he had put me through.  No, this was the point I could make him feel as small as he had me.  I did this with the kill him with kindness mentality.  "I cannot tell you how grateful my children and I are with what you have done to help us and I am sure my late husband is too.  Making sure his family is safe since he is no longer able to be here to do it himself."

I have run into him a few times over the years, we do live in a small town after all, and each time I could see him remembering that moment when he was taught a valuable lesson by a young widow.  It is moments like that I take a little pride, but feel the sadness as well about the fact that in our society, probably in all societies, we look first at the outside of the situation, the cover of the book, and judge it as if we know everything needed to know.

I cannot say that I have not made rash assumptions about people on a single glance.  Some person cuts me off on the highway and I assume he's an idiot.  I'm probably right, BUT he could also be on his way to an emergency.  I don't have all the facts.  As a human race, we need to stop looking at the surface only to judge.

On a warm summer's day, can you tell by looking at a body of water whether it's hot or cold or must you dip your toe first?  How about that amazing cake sitting on a table, perfectly crafted by a the chef...are you sure it's cake or could it be something else made to look like cake?  How would you know without first cutting into it to see what it's made of?  It could be chocolate with white frosting or it could be meatloaf with mashed potatoes.

Keep in mind what we get when we ASSuME we have all the facts.

#68 - Veteran's Day

Today is the day we remember all of those who have served to protect our country, our freedom, and our way of life.  Today is the day we say simply but with great meaning, "Thank you for your service" to all veterans.  Thank you for giving your time, blood, sweat, tears, and in some cases your life to protect those back home and insure they can continue to live their lives as citizens of our great nation.  To us, the thankful Americans, you are heroes.

One group that seems to be forgotten, however, is those left behind.  The families of the veterans who have also given their time, tears, hearts, and in some cases their lives.  The mothers and fathers supported their babies when they decided (or were drafted) to fight in wars, the husbands and wives left behind to stand strong while their spouses were away in far away lands doing their job, the children who are growing up while their parent is missing the milestones of their youth.

Not saying the families of the veterans need a holiday or anything, just saying we also need to remember those left behind.  So, to my great grandfather, both my grandfathers, two of my uncles, my husband, my father-in-law, my brother in law, and my son, thank you for your service.

#67 - Writing the next chapter

In life, like in books, every chapter is written to move us on to the next part of the story.  Luckily in life, unlike in books, our chapters are written by us and we can decide how we want them to go and when it is time to move on to a new one.  Every word written is of our choice, even though we may not think so, we do have the power of holding the pen for our lives.  We choose how it is going to go by the choices we made every single day.  Here is what I mean.

Every morning we wake up and make our first choice.  Do I want to get out of this warm, safe, comfortable bed or not?  From there our days are filled with more and more choices we must make.  I know I have heard people say, 'but I don't have a choice...I have to work.'  But there it is again, you do have a choice.  Do you want to go to work to provide for yourself (and your family if you have one), putting a roof over their heads and food on the table or do you want to be homeless and beg?  Choices...we all have choices.

Another choice we have is how we feel.  Do you want to be happy or sad?  Are you going to raise the pom-poms and cheer on the day or are you going to invite the world to you own personal pity party?  I know some will talk about depression and how it is not a choice.  I do not fully understand depression as I have never had it, I have been sad and then worked myself out of it. Maybe it's luck.  Maybe it is that I have all but removed the pharmaceutical world from my life opting for more natural remedies and cures than those of the medical community.  Not saying there is not a time and place where it may be needed, just that I am not going to throw a pill at every problem I have in my life.  It seems like according to modern medicine, there is a pill for everything.  Have a headache? Take a pill.  Have a sad moment? Take a pill.  Can't perform? Take a pill.  Want to be healthy? Take a pill.

People today have become accustom to running to the doctor or pharmacy whenever they feel something is off.  Ever wonder if the pills we are taking are actually causing the off feelings?  Ever listen to the list of side effects spewed off in the lower monotone voice in record speed at the end of those feel good commercials telling you there is a pill for everything that ails you?  Do you really want to take a pill for a headache that is going to cause IBS, vomiting, shortness of breath, vision problems, loss of hearing, inability to walk or care for yourself, comma and even the possibility of death?  The mentality that everything has a medicinal fix seems to be strengthened by every commercial for the new drugs.  Have you ever paid attention to all the other commercials from the law firms putting out class action suits against many of those drugs we watched commercials for?  It's like they go hand-in-hand and it all goes back to choices.

Please understand that this is not a blog about promoting medicinal marijuana or anything like that.  I am just saying we all have choices on what we do, how we feel, and what we want to do about changing those two things.

This morning for a very small moment I started to feel sad.  I was supposed to have plans this evening, a date, but last week the man I was seeing decided it wasn't working for him, so no more plans.   So I had a choice and instead of letting this ruin my day, I am going pick up the pom-poms and going to cheer at the possibilities today may bring.  I see art and beauty in my future, and the beginning of my next chapter.

#66 - Dating again at 49, UGH!

Have you ever decided to do something you probably shouldn't but you didn't much care?  I'm at an age where I just don't seem to care much about not doing all those things I 'shouldn't do' so...let's talk about dating in the age of technology.

When we were young, you know, back in 70's and 80's when the biggest thing we were worried about was having a date to prom or to a party, we had it so easy.  Especially since we didn't have cell phones and instant messenger and social media to screw it up.  We had to have personal interactions.  We had to rely on the old fashion paper notes that were passed back and forth (usually along a train of hands of others and you hoped it made it to it's destination).  We also were stuck at home literally waiting by the phone for it to ring.  How many hours were wasted just waiting?  What happened if you lost the number or if the paper note got intercepted by someone other than it's target?

Fast forward to today and now we have cell phones with text and social media right on them and wow, can that cause problems.  We now have instant gratification instead of anticipation.  We are no longer tethered to a wall in our homes waiting for the phone to ring.  We can get instant messages, know where someone is at any given time, and reach out and touch someone at the drop of a pin.  This, however, creates a whole new set of annoyances, problems and misunderstandings.

It's funny how times change yet the problems never do and just like bell-bottom jeans and tie-dyes they seem to come around for a rebirth with a twist.  Technology has removed the ability to wait for something good.  With the new era of instant everything, instant potatoes, instant coffee, speed dating, instant families, on-demand television, etc., we no longer get to enjoy the anticipation, waiting eagerly for something you want to happen.  Technology has in essence removed our ability to patiently wait.  We expect everything NOW.  

Don't go somewhere with no reception or leave your phone somewhere or let it run out of juice because you will be accused of ignoring someone or giving them the silent treatment.  Parents freak (at least that's what my kids accuse me of) if their texts or calls are not answered in a timely fashion because we think something horrible had to have happened for our kids not to answer.  Throw this into the already complicated world of dating and this causes a multitude of other problems, especially to already insecure people who automatically assume the worst regardless of the real reasons. Trust issues rear their ugly heads with a vengeance, instantly.

I almost forgot the elephant in the room.  You can't take back what's typed (OK, tapped into the media device) once it is sent.  We tap and tap and make sentences that are just like words on a piece of paper.  Unless written with the right tone and context, they can be misread causing more problems.  You can't hear the voice of the writer, you are left to assume you understand the comment.  Our emotions play a big part in how we read things as well.  No longer can you send something with a smirk or meant as a joke because without the facial expression or tone of voice to go with it, it can come across as mean or snarky.  Someone decided to add emojis to the mix and while they can be fun, they don't always work in helping relay the message.  In the dating world, these misunderstandings can mean the end.  

Some days I wish we could go back to when times were simpler, when we weren't sitting in our houses surfing the net for date-worthy profiles to swipe right on, living vicariously through Facebook and Instagram and watching life pass us by.  A time when we were meeting people face-to-face and having meaningful conversations and learning about each other without electronics and gadgets in our way.  When we were going out and experiencing life and seeing the world with our own eyes instead of computer screens.  I guess a lot of the same problems existed they were just not as 'in our faces' as they are in today's world of instant everything.  Some days...I think I should be a hermit.

Ugh!  

#65 - A Unicorn Blew Up on my Canvas

I was sitting down to paint, had all my color bottles ready and the canvas prepped with pretty white background paint.  I had put on several color drops already in preparation of making a beautiful feather when I picked up one of my bottles and a paper towels decided to hitch a ride on the bottom and fall onto my painting.  I tried to catch it but wasn't fast enough and it caused a rainbow on my canvas.  So...............this painting changed from a beautiful trio of feathers to an exciting unicorn explosion.  As Bob Ross would say it was a happy accident.
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When the unexpected happens in life, as in with art, we have to find the good side of it or it will cause mass havoc in our worlds.  Life is not perfect, but it is the only one you have so making the best of it, finding the silver lining on all the clouds is required for keeping your sanity through all the twists and changes that life throws. 

Maybe for me it is my coping mechanism but it works. I always try to find the positive in any situation.  It is not always easy but I do try.  Laughter is also another tool I use to keep the positive vibe going.  I believe that you have two choices to any situation, laugh or cry.  I would prefer to laugh because besides wrinkles and maybe a sore rib or two (depending on just how deeply you laugh) you don't have negative impacts from it.  OK, people might also think you are a little nuts, but who cares.  Crying makes your face puffy, your nose run, your make-up smear, and just drags you down.  So many positives to laughing. 

Another thing that helps me is getting my feelings out into some physical form.  Whether it be to paint, write, cook, or even just get out and go for a long walk, to me it helps.  I find it almost therapeutic to push my feelings out as far as possible. Sometimes I can then 'see' them instead of them hiding deep inside, doing damage in the hidden corners of my mind.  In bringing them to the surface, it allows me to address them and work through them so much easier which I believe to be much healthier way to deal.  It was not always like this. I used to bottle them up and hold them deep inside, not letting them out, hiding them from the world to portray a strong outer shell no one could penetrate. It was a defense mechanism I had from childhood.  Never let anyone see your weak points, must protect the underbelly so as not to be hurt.  It is not a good way to live but it was all I knew from my upbringing. 

Now so many years later, after having experienced so many horrific things in my life, I look back and realize that my protection, my defense mechanism was actually holding me back from truly living.  Once I really opened up my mind to all those nightmares of my past and allowed myself to remember and release them into the universe I was able to begin to grown and become who I am today. I am, by no means, done growing but I do have a healthier understanding of how those things built up a wall in me that I have begun chipping away at.  Brick by brick, stone by stone, the wall is coming down allowing my inner child, artist, mother, lover, and friend to emerge and grown into the person I know I can be.  This will not be a happy accident, but years of painstaking work to break down the barriers and jump the hurdles stopping me from truly living. 

So, off to see what my next canvas will hold.  Make sure to check back in to see my new happy accidents.

#64 - Reflections

As an artist and photographer, I take in a lot when I look at the world around me.  The colors, textures, depths, movement or lack of all play a part in creating a scene, a picture that will live on in my mind even if I don't capture it for others to see.  One thing I love about art and photography is it allows me to share what I see with others, to allow them to feel it too, even if they feel it differently than I did.  That is the beauty about art.  Each person is able to take away something different, to see it in a different way, to experience it and feel it in a way that is unique to them.

For example, let's talk about abstract art.  Many see abstract art as beautiful expressions of emotion yet others see them as odd and lacking.  There is no right or wrong way to see art, it is all in how the viewer sees it.  As a painter, I find myself torn between the two worlds of abstract and realism.  I love when I create a painting of something so life-like it looks more like a photo than a painting yet I also love being able to create something of beauty that has no reference in real life or is a representation of something I have felt or seen or the combination of both.  These feelings are what makes an abstract for me.  Being able to share that with others is exciting.  Even more than sharing, I love to hear their thoughts and feelings, their raw opinion when they do not know I am the artist or that I am listening.  If they 'feel' anything, my job as an artist is done.  That is what it means to me to be an artist.

Reflections are one of my absolute favorite things to photograph and paint.  I find that reflections show only a portion of what is really there.  Just as when you look in the mirror you only see what the mirror is able to show you.  You do not see what is behind, what is just off to the side, or what is inside, just the top layer in reverse.  What gives them mystery is in what you cannot see.  Even more appealing to me is when I purposely capture a reflection that most completely ignore like a simple reflection in a puddle of water.  That little thing that most overlook can hold such beauty.  Even a pothole, something we hate because it causes an unexpected jolt in our routine can hold beauty if you just take a moment to look.  Watch for the reflections of life and take hold of the beauty and keep it within.  It will open you up to so much more the world has to offer.  Remember, while it is only showing the surface, that is a great place to start to see what is beautiful inside.

Allow yourself to take in the beauty the world has to offer and use it to brighten up any moment. 

#63 - Choices

In life, we all have choices.  We can choose to be happy or sad.  We can choose to move forward or always look back.  We can choose to try or give up.  So many opportunities in our lives are missed because we either choose not to look or not to try.

Our past can serve two purposes.  It can hold us down, forever looking back at the what-if's and the could-have-been's, never moving forward because of the fear of screwing up again.  Worse yet, if you have lost someone or something very important, that loss can also hold you back for fear of more loss.  The broken heart, the loss of desire to ever be happy again due to that pain.  Thinking that you don't deserve to have it because of the past.  However the past can also serve as a lesson on what not to do, how to come out better than before, how not to experience the pain again or how to live through it should it happen.

Take walking as an example.  We all learn to walk by getting up first on our knees, then up on our feet, then we take a step.  Soon we learn to walk faster, then to run.  We master things like stairs and walking over thing, then up hills and down.  But one day, we take a fall.  We step in a hole.  We get hurt, maybe even breaking a limb.  Do we stop walking because it hurt?  Do we decide to never try and walk again for fear we could fall and hurt ourselves again?  Typically no.  We may be down for a short time healing but we eventually stand and walk again, then learn to move around again, maybe moving a little more cautious at first but we still move again.

I am a big fan of quotes.  One quote I try to remember when I feel I have gotten 'stuck' in life is the definition of insanity.  "Insanity:  The act of doing something over and over again, expecting a different result."  How many times have you done this only to realize you have gotten nowhere.  Take dieting for an example.  Many times we try a new fad diet, you know the ones that will tell you you can lose a bunch of weight without exercising.  You succeed in losing the weight temporarily but then go back to the same old habits of eating whatever you want and never exercise, basically setting yourself up for failure.  Then once you have gained the weight back you wonder, how did that happen.  You did what you always do.  Instead of finding the real reason you are over weight was because you never get off your couch and do things like walk or exercise and you eat whatever you want, stuffing yourself until you are miserable because it tastes good, you blame the diet for failing you.  The next time a new fad diet comes out you try it and the same thing happens.

I have been this person much of my life.  Not just with diets, but with bettering myself, moving forward from my past, even just with trying to branch out and try new things.  It has only taken me 49 years to realize that I was stuck in a rut much of my life.  I could lay blame on my past, my parents, the abuses I endured as a child, the losses of loved ones, the hardships that life dealt me, but what would that accomplish.  Honestly not a damn thing other than making me feel sorry for myself.  I have never and never will use those experiences of my past as a crutch or reason for me not succeeding.  They are, in fact, the reason I have succeeded so far and the reason I will continue to succeed.

I have been asked over the years if I could go back and change one thing, what would it be?  The honest answer is...NOTHING!  I am who I am because of what I experienced in my past.  I am the wonderful, honest, loving, caring, strong, independent, tough, sweet, blunt, rock of a person I am today as a direct result of the things that made me this way through the previous 48 years.  I would not want anything to change.

Instead I choose to live by the 3 choices.  Give up, Give in, OR GIVE IT ALL YOU'VE GOT!  Life is too short not go for it, to grab it by the reins and ride off into the sunset having a great time knowing you did all you wanted, you accomplished as much as you could, and you had fun doing it.  The time to choose is now, and you have the power to choose whatever you want to have, be, and do.  Time to go out and play and have fun and try new things and maybe fall down and get back up.  Ready?

Tag, you're it.

#62 - Another Year

My Dearest Love,

It is Halloween again my love, another year has passed without you here.  So much has happened yet none of it seems important at this moment.  This day, though I love the season with all the decorations and spooky events, always brings back such memories of pain and sorrow.  That moment in time forever burned into my mind, playing over and over again when I think of you.  I wish I could make that last memory disappear so all I had to hold on to was the good.  It has been so hard to remove that last photo from my mind, that last time I saw you.  Somehow I was able to overlay another photo from a happier time when we were so in love, so I see that instead of your death as a first memory when I think of you.  You had such a beautiful smile.

Our children have grown into such wonderful young adults.  I know you have been able to see them too and I am sure you are as proud as I am.  It has been nice knowing you are around to see as well. They have sensed it too.  Have you seen how much both of them have taken after you with their desire to take things apart and put them back together.  Yes, they also end up with spare parts, just like you did.  It is amazing that even though you were not here physically to influence them, to show them how to do so many things, they still have so much of you in them.  It makes me smile when I see them doing things like you did.

I think I was finally able to grieve for you.  It only took 20 or so years.  Your death, losing the love of my life to such a stupid accident at such a young age I was not prepared for.  I spent so many years just trying to forget what happened, pushing it all back so I could do what I had to for the children to make sure they had all they needed, were happy and knew they were loved.  But every year I would look back and wish that I had just gotten home a few minutes sooner.  I no longer blame myself. Had to stop wondering what if.

I used to go back to the old property and sit out front staring at the place where you died.  The barn is now gone but somehow I was able to still see it. Luckily my time to mourn you finally came and now I sit on the other side of that giant ocean of tears able to see through the pain to many of the good times we had, the laughs we shared, the moments of perfect joy I get to hold onto and smile knowing those times will always be ours to share.  OK, maybe one or two more tears are still hanging around waiting to be shed.  One just decided to escape as I have been writing you.  Those now, however, are tears of remembrance, not pain.

Thank you for staying with me, with us all of these years.  Thank you for the little hints you were around, the hints of cigarette smoke in the air let me know you were here.  You have been missed very much and those moments were a comfort, and your timing was always perfect.  Also, thank you for letting me know there was nothing I could do, that it was just your time.  I understand now.

Once again as that time grows near I remember the moment in time I was forced to say good bye to my best friend, my truest love, the father of my children, my soulmate, but it will be just a little bit easier.  My heart is lighter, no longer filled with the pain of blame and fear I could have done more.  I will forever hold you in my memories and you will always hold a piece of my heart. 

Until we meet again. 

#61 - No permanent vacation yet

As millions of others, maybe billions, I am one of the many who will be returning to work (eventually, after my vacation).  Just like the rest of the suckers that wasted money buying a chance (or many chances) to become rich and quit my job, I did not win Mega Millions.  Feeling like an idiot for wasting my hard earned money on a pipe dream of a chance to win a rigged game.  How is it that magic numbers seem to be just out of reach?  How is it that the drawings are closed an hour prior to the little balls being sucked up into the magic vacuum?  Is that so they can determine which balls to pull based on what numbers weren't chosen?  Just have to ask.

Even though I am not quitting my job today, even though I must continue to work to support my dreams, I am not sad. I have the ability to continue to make my dreams a reality, even without 6 stupid numbers.  It's called drive and perseverance.  Proudly I can say that I have had no silver spoon to get me where I am.  I am not rich financially, by any means, but I am rich in other ways and feel so blessed with what I have been able to accomplish in my life so far.

One person who I am not sure will still have a job to go to is the front desk person at the Hampton by Hilton I stayed in Sunday night.  She had such a nasty attitude, horrible thing to have if you work in the hospitality industry.  I could not imagine someone being so rude in that line of work.  The night before I had also stayed in a Hampton (different city) and it was a very nice experience.  The staff there was amazingly sweet and really liked their jobs (or at least faked it well) which was why I had looked to stay at another the second night.  Little did I know that I was going to meet such a snotty brat who hated her job...or seemed like it anyway.

It appears I was not the only one who experienced her lack-of-give-a-shit attitude.  I finally got around to calling Hilton customer service today and they opened a complaint file.  Literally before I hung up with the customer service representative, the general manager of the location I had the horrible experience at was calling me.  I gave him the run down just as I had the customer service person just prior and he said he was not surprised, that he had experienced it too.

Hopefully my way home will be less exciting.  I am looking forward to a calm, relaxing drive home with maybe a few nice stops.  This trip has been a welcome relaxing and mind-releasing time.  I was definitely in need of a brain-break and hope that the drive home will be the same...with a little less construction and idiot driver stress.  One can hope anyway.

At least I was able to have a great day today.  Sun was shining, beach was perfect, I was able to visit one of my favorite stores as well as drive down the A1A and see many different beach areas.  Even found a bunch of water fowl that posed for pics.

#60 - My Dam Trip

For the past few days I have been on vacation.  Road trips are my favorites because you can see what you want, stop when you feel like it, and experience new and exciting things.  Other side of the coin is dealing with idiots across many states.  This has been no exception.  It seems that there are horrible drivers everywhere.


To remove myself from the highway of idiots I took off on a side road.  I had seen a dam off the side of the highway and decided it was a good thing to go see.  So off I went.  The high side of the dam was beautiful, with it's wildlife and glistening water with steam dancing on top.  Such a gorgeous site.  So peaceful, a nice change of pace from the rat-race that was the highway.


The other side of the damn was very different.  The loud rumble of the water rushing out of water as it was released in a gushing arc of whiteness.  Such beauty, such power.  The difference of the two sides, so close yet so far away.


Off to the next dam place.


As I continued down the highway, I took in as much of the scenery a possible, looking for another place to find beauty, another sign, another side road waiting to be investigated.  I came across my next dam sign not too far away.  This one was a little off the beaten path but had a beauty of a train arch I could enjoy as well.  It also made me a little leery.





It is not every day you see a sign like this.  This dam wasn't as nice to photograph but I did it just so I could continue my dam trip.  This is the only photo worth sharing from it as I was a little worried about getting blown up.  Best not to do that!

One of the main reasons I decided to take a trip this time of year was the colors of the trees as they change.  There is something just stunning about the change over.  The oranges and reds mixing in with the greens, browns and yellows creates a beautiful color pallet.  Absolutely peaceful blend of colors.

The last dam on my trip was another lovely one, not nearly as cool as the first but levels above the second.    The top and bottom were both quite calm.  It was small in comparison to the first two but was quite nice.

                 

And that is the end of my dam trip.  Now off to the beach part. 

#59 - Almost ready

The cool thing about being alive is that we have the ability to choose what we do. Regardless of what it is, we always have a choice.  Our choices make us unique as every person will have their own, depending on their experiences and situations.  Our lives give us the ammunition needed to weather the storms, but our soul is what gets us through.  Our determination not to fail, not to give up, not to rollover, not to settle.  Each choice is a step down a path and each path is a choice we make, but each choice, each step can be changed.  Unlike a tree, we are not rooted into one place.  We have the ability to go places and do different things and have amazing experiences. 

The choice is ours to make but we must not fear it.  Fear is something that we all have, some more than others.  It can be exhilarating or debilitating depending on how we react to it.  In many cases, our past builds our fears, things we have survived or been made to experience throws curve balls into our psyche, giving us the inability to swing for fear we will miss. These are, in many instances, the things that make many of us get up and move. 

For me, the fear of becoming stagnant is more prevalent than any other right now.  The fear of not growing, not evolving into the person I am meant to be, becoming a hermit and never getting out and trying new things or meeting new people would be like death.  I never used to feel this but in my past, the options were not there.  Now that I have gotten to a place in my life when my children are grown, my employment is stable (ok, as stable as it can be in this day in age), when the only things needing me are my pets and I have fabulous people who can help with them if I decide to jump and run for a bit, I have the freedom to go play, to go learn, to go experience, to live.

This strange time in my life is actually an amazing gift.  When I was young, I was not given this freedom.  As I am now watching my children experience their own freedom, I am excited to try it too.  Get out, experience the world, see new things, meet new people, see what life has to offer me as a next step, next path.  I am afraid but I use the fear as a motivating factor to succeed.  I have so much going on yet I am not too busy to stop and smell the roses along the path.  I have realized that making time for me is as much a requirement as eating or sleeping.  If I do not, I feel that I will cease to be me and becoming a shell of who I once was.

My next big adventure is planned, spreading my wings and flying once again in hopes of finding new things to see and experience.  Hoping to be able to open my mind and learn even more about myself.  Time to start writing my next chapter and see where this exciting experience called Life takes me.  Time to fly.