It is Halloween again my love, another year has passed without you here. So much has happened yet none of it seems important at this moment. This day, though I love the season with all the decorations and spooky events, always brings back such memories of pain and sorrow. That moment in time forever burned into my mind, playing over and over again when I think of you. I wish I could make that last memory disappear so all I had to hold on to was the good. It has been so hard to remove that last photo from my mind, that last time I saw you. Somehow I was able to overlay another photo from a happier time when we were so in love, so I see that instead of your death as a first memory when I think of you. You had such a beautiful smile.
Our children have grown into such wonderful young adults. I know you have been able to see them too and I am sure you are as proud as I am. It has been nice knowing you are around to see as well. They have sensed it too. Have you seen how much both of them have taken after you with their desire to take things apart and put them back together. Yes, they also end up with spare parts, just like you did. It is amazing that even though you were not here physically to influence them, to show them how to do so many things, they still have so much of you in them. It makes me smile when I see them doing things like you did.
I think I was finally able to grieve for you. It only took 20 or so years. Your death, losing the love of my life to such a stupid accident at such a young age I was not prepared for. I spent so many years just trying to forget what happened, pushing it all back so I could do what I had to for the children to make sure they had all they needed, were happy and knew they were loved. But every year I would look back and wish that I had just gotten home a few minutes sooner. I no longer blame myself. Had to stop wondering what if.
I used to go back to the old property and sit out front staring at the place where you died. The barn is now gone but somehow I was able to still see it. Luckily my time to mourn you finally came and now I sit on the other side of that giant ocean of tears able to see through the pain to many of the good times we had, the laughs we shared, the moments of perfect joy I get to hold onto and smile knowing those times will always be ours to share. OK, maybe one or two more tears are still hanging around waiting to be shed. One just decided to escape as I have been writing you. Those now, however, are tears of remembrance, not pain.Thank you for staying with me, with us all of these years. Thank you for the little hints you were around, the hints of cigarette smoke in the air let me know you were here. You have been missed very much and those moments were a comfort, and your timing was always perfect. Also, thank you for letting me know there was nothing I could do, that it was just your time. I understand now.
Once again as that time grows near I remember the moment in time I was forced to say good bye to my best friend, my truest love, the father of my children, my soulmate, but it will be just a little bit easier. My heart is lighter, no longer filled with the pain of blame and fear I could have done more. I will forever hold you in my memories and you will always hold a piece of my heart.
Until we meet again.
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