#69 - Don't Judge Me

You are standing in line at the store to check out with the few items you have to purchase.  In front of you is a dirty man, clothes torn and tattered, shoes covered is yucky substance, smelling a bit too ripe, purchasing what looks to be a meal for the night.  What are you thinking?  Are you wondering if he is homeless and was able to find enough change to buy a meal?  Are you thinking this guy is disgusting and shouldn't be in the store like this?  Is this man just on his way home from a not-so-pleasant job that he is doing to feed his family and keep a roof over their heads.  Unless you strike up a conversation, you will only have your opinions, questions, and assumptions to go on.  What about the woman who has screaming children in her cart, looking exhausted and ready to crawl into a corner, curl up in to a ball and hide.  What are you thinking as she is trying to quiet them with no success?

How about this one.  A young mother of two small children has called your HVAC business for help with the heater in her home which is no longer working.  It's freezing outside and they are all huddling around the fireplace as there is no other place to get warm.  You come in and assess the situation and determine that a new unit is needed because repairing this one will cost more.  She reluctantly agrees knowing that there are no other choices but this will take all she has left for the children for the holidays, Christmas will be scarce this year, but they will be warm.  During the conversation you find that she is single, the dad of the children no longer in the picture.  Not much information was shared so you have no idea why.  So, do you assume that he is a dead-beat dad?  Or are you thinking maybe the kids were born out of wedlock? Do you judge her for being alone? Do you say things to her like, "those children would be better off with a man in the picture" or "their father should really be here to take care of you all" or some other derogatory comment?  How about assuming that she must have pushed the father out of their lives because that's what women do, come to mind?

The first two situations above I have seen happen many times in stores where people judge others by how they look and not bother to learn about them first.  The third actually happened to me the first winter after my husband died.  Where I live in the bible belt of our country, it has been my experience that those judging are the self-proclaimed 'God fearing' types who snubbed their noses at others not believed to have been good enough.  No, this is not just an assumption.  I am a people watcher and pay attention to those little details that give it away.  The cross hung so elegantly around the neck on a gold chain, the sly comments are twisted pieces of Sunday morning sermons, the high and mighty walk of those who think their poo has no smell other than roses from the garden of Eden.  I was brought up southern baptist so when I say I have heard it, believe me because they are some of the worst when it comes to being hypocritical, opinionated judge and jury to those believed to be beneath them.

The second situation was a preacher of a local Christian church who happened to own a HVAC business.  He berated me for several hours because the father of my children was not in the picture.  I had not shared that he had passed.  When I called the company to have my heating situation fixed, I was looking for someone to do a job at a reasonable cost and this company had come well recommended as being good and not too expensive, being able to work with those who needed help.  I had no idea that it meant I would be made to feel as small as a pebble on the bottom of someone's shoe.

To get the work done and heat for my children I did not initially correct the assumptions this man had made of me and my situation.  I let him continue to 'preach' to me about the immoral ways I was living, allowing him to continue to ride that high horse he perched himself up on, all the while planning my attack.  Finally the new unit was in and he was about to be paid.  Time to let him have it.  As he finished and I told him to send me the bill, no I wasn't going to just write him check and allow him to get away with the hours of punishment he had put me through.  No, this was the point I could make him feel as small as he had me.  I did this with the kill him with kindness mentality.  "I cannot tell you how grateful my children and I are with what you have done to help us and I am sure my late husband is too.  Making sure his family is safe since he is no longer able to be here to do it himself."

I have run into him a few times over the years, we do live in a small town after all, and each time I could see him remembering that moment when he was taught a valuable lesson by a young widow.  It is moments like that I take a little pride, but feel the sadness as well about the fact that in our society, probably in all societies, we look first at the outside of the situation, the cover of the book, and judge it as if we know everything needed to know.

I cannot say that I have not made rash assumptions about people on a single glance.  Some person cuts me off on the highway and I assume he's an idiot.  I'm probably right, BUT he could also be on his way to an emergency.  I don't have all the facts.  As a human race, we need to stop looking at the surface only to judge.

On a warm summer's day, can you tell by looking at a body of water whether it's hot or cold or must you dip your toe first?  How about that amazing cake sitting on a table, perfectly crafted by a the chef...are you sure it's cake or could it be something else made to look like cake?  How would you know without first cutting into it to see what it's made of?  It could be chocolate with white frosting or it could be meatloaf with mashed potatoes.

Keep in mind what we get when we ASSuME we have all the facts.