#62 - Another Year

My Dearest Love,

It is Halloween again my love, another year has passed without you here.  So much has happened yet none of it seems important at this moment.  This day, though I love the season with all the decorations and spooky events, always brings back such memories of pain and sorrow.  That moment in time forever burned into my mind, playing over and over again when I think of you.  I wish I could make that last memory disappear so all I had to hold on to was the good.  It has been so hard to remove that last photo from my mind, that last time I saw you.  Somehow I was able to overlay another photo from a happier time when we were so in love, so I see that instead of your death as a first memory when I think of you.  You had such a beautiful smile.

Our children have grown into such wonderful young adults.  I know you have been able to see them too and I am sure you are as proud as I am.  It has been nice knowing you are around to see as well. They have sensed it too.  Have you seen how much both of them have taken after you with their desire to take things apart and put them back together.  Yes, they also end up with spare parts, just like you did.  It is amazing that even though you were not here physically to influence them, to show them how to do so many things, they still have so much of you in them.  It makes me smile when I see them doing things like you did.

I think I was finally able to grieve for you.  It only took 20 or so years.  Your death, losing the love of my life to such a stupid accident at such a young age I was not prepared for.  I spent so many years just trying to forget what happened, pushing it all back so I could do what I had to for the children to make sure they had all they needed, were happy and knew they were loved.  But every year I would look back and wish that I had just gotten home a few minutes sooner.  I no longer blame myself. Had to stop wondering what if.

I used to go back to the old property and sit out front staring at the place where you died.  The barn is now gone but somehow I was able to still see it. Luckily my time to mourn you finally came and now I sit on the other side of that giant ocean of tears able to see through the pain to many of the good times we had, the laughs we shared, the moments of perfect joy I get to hold onto and smile knowing those times will always be ours to share.  OK, maybe one or two more tears are still hanging around waiting to be shed.  One just decided to escape as I have been writing you.  Those now, however, are tears of remembrance, not pain.

Thank you for staying with me, with us all of these years.  Thank you for the little hints you were around, the hints of cigarette smoke in the air let me know you were here.  You have been missed very much and those moments were a comfort, and your timing was always perfect.  Also, thank you for letting me know there was nothing I could do, that it was just your time.  I understand now.

Once again as that time grows near I remember the moment in time I was forced to say good bye to my best friend, my truest love, the father of my children, my soulmate, but it will be just a little bit easier.  My heart is lighter, no longer filled with the pain of blame and fear I could have done more.  I will forever hold you in my memories and you will always hold a piece of my heart. 

Until we meet again. 

Early to rise - Day 5 - Not so early this time

Think I spoke too soon yesterday morning.  I realized this as I woke up about 30 minutes later this morning than planned.  No, I didn't set the dreaded alarm clock.  As I have mentioned before, I find those things just annoying and intrusive.  I was out late last night and honestly went to bed late so ended up sleeping in a bit longer than planned.  Oh well.  Life happens.

That is one thing that I think I will write about today.  Life happens.  I used to think that it was Sh*t Happens but found that to be a negative way of looking at it.  In the past year or two I have been trying to focus my thoughts on all positive things, knowing negative was out there but deciding for me I would just focus on the positive side regardless.  Here are some examples of how I do this.

If the clouds are darkening and rain is forming overhead, instead of thinking about it as "my day is ruined", "my plans have to change because it's going to rain", I look at the clouds and see that even tho they are dark, where the sun shines behind them they are white, almost having the proverbial silver lining, choosing to see the glow and know that the rain will cool off the temperature, will brighten the green in the grasses and plants, and will smell refreshing.

I think that in doing this, I am telling myself and the universe that regardless of how things are happening, I am going to just deal with it and focus on the lighter side, the positive side.  It really does make it easier to move through some of the not so pleasant things that happen.  Focusing on the positive works with people too.  Even tho someone really gets on your nerves, you can us this technique when having to deal with them.  I will say sometimes it is harder than other times but giving it a try can't hurt.  I am not perfect and there are times I forget to try but more often than not, I do.

Sharing the positive also helps others feel the effects as well.  For example, going to a store, standing in line, watching people put their items on a conveyor belt waiting to be checked out so they can get out and go on their own path can be tedious.  Next time, try striking up a conversation with the person in front or behind you.  It can make the time you are standing there a little less boring, painful, and annoying.  Cracking a joke will lighten the mood and make it seem less like just standing there and more like meeting a new person and enjoying the moment.  Also, catch the name of the cashier or teller and instead of ignoring them and rushing through the transaction, say hi to them by name.  You will be surprised just how much that little gesture can make their day a little brighter.  You will see them smile a bit at being acknowledged for who they are, not just the job they are doing.

It only takes a second to brighten your day and others.  Smiles are free yet they are priceless when you share them.