#78 - Can you feel me?

The house was cold and still, not a noise to be heard.  Alone, silent, afraid to move lying in the bed he made of his own fears and anger.  The house knew.  Those left behind knew, yes, they knew what he had done, what he had said, how he had acted.  It was no secret, not to them.  The house had its secrets and he had to live with them.

Steve, one of the houses permanent residents, previous owner and now forever occupying the space where he took his last breath, forever walking the halls of the home he once heard the laughter of his children in as they played.  He would never leave. This was his home.  His home he would now have to share with others who came after him and tried to call it their own.  The big question...could he allow them to live there in peace, or better yet, would he?

A strong, tall, slender man who held his head high as a proud man, Steve was always the life of the party, the friendly voice greeting everyone he met.  He was a gentle soul, a loving father, a doating husband, the man who everyone could rely on to do whatever was needed.  Loved life, loved his family. He was the man who seemed to have everything and who loved his son with every last breath he had.  

His son, a miniature version of the father, the light of his life, his reason for living after his wife had passed.  He had grown up to be a wonderful young man, so full of life, with so much going for him, big plans and dreams.  Plans to be like his father yet his own man.  Plans cut short as his life was snuffed out ever so suddenly.  Loss.  The sharp knife cutting deep into the heart of his father as he passed.  Life ceased to have any meaning now for Steve.  The light in his eyes had faded, his smile forever turned down following the tears that escaped him. 

A father is not supposed to bury his child, especially not his son who was to be the one who carried on the family name, the legacy now lost with one fell swoop.  This proud man now broken, a shadow of who he was, wallowing in sorrow, smile burried with his child.  He lost his will to live, his reason, his purpose.  Nothing was left for him on this earth, no reason, no care,  nothing but heartbreak and pain was left inside him.  

Another day, another painful day.  Every night in his dreams he relived happier days with his family, the sounds of children playing and laughing, his heart filled with joy, holding on so tight only to wake and find it was all gone.  His life now filled with darkness and gloom.  Why was he still here?  What was the reason to go on?  He no longer had answers to those questions.  He no longer cared.  Having lost all hope, heart shattered, he made up his mind.  His time was done. Just had to finish one last thing.

He prepared the rope, knot tied tight and noose high to insure it would be quick.  No need for a letter, no one to write to.  His pain filled heart would beat one last time, one last breath would leave his body, one last thought, one last tear.  Soon he would be free of this pain, no longer alone, with his beloved family, or so he thought.  One last sound, the chair slapping the floor as he knocked it down to complete his final task, or was that the sound of his neck snapping as the weight of his body fell.  

Alive no longer, Steve now walks the hallway of his once family home, looking for the loves he has lost yet never finding them.  He is forever alone, interacting with those who move in to make the house their new home.  He wants to leave but can't, wants to find his family but they are long gone from this earth.  Alone, still heartbroken.  

Now his days and nights, time meaning nothing to him, are spent watching the life happening with the new families in his home.  He tries to interact with those around him, only instead causing fear and pain.  Does he mean to?  Is it how he shows his feelings now?  Invading the dreams of those who now live there, causing cold spaces when he is angry.  He also likes to play, running his fingers through the hair of the ladies that find themselves alone there.  He misses his wife, his child, his old life.  Now he waits for opportunities to be seen and heard again.  He is learning.  

Do you feel him, hear him, see him?  If not yet, just wait.  You will.

#62 - Another Year

My Dearest Love,

It is Halloween again my love, another year has passed without you here.  So much has happened yet none of it seems important at this moment.  This day, though I love the season with all the decorations and spooky events, always brings back such memories of pain and sorrow.  That moment in time forever burned into my mind, playing over and over again when I think of you.  I wish I could make that last memory disappear so all I had to hold on to was the good.  It has been so hard to remove that last photo from my mind, that last time I saw you.  Somehow I was able to overlay another photo from a happier time when we were so in love, so I see that instead of your death as a first memory when I think of you.  You had such a beautiful smile.

Our children have grown into such wonderful young adults.  I know you have been able to see them too and I am sure you are as proud as I am.  It has been nice knowing you are around to see as well. They have sensed it too.  Have you seen how much both of them have taken after you with their desire to take things apart and put them back together.  Yes, they also end up with spare parts, just like you did.  It is amazing that even though you were not here physically to influence them, to show them how to do so many things, they still have so much of you in them.  It makes me smile when I see them doing things like you did.

I think I was finally able to grieve for you.  It only took 20 or so years.  Your death, losing the love of my life to such a stupid accident at such a young age I was not prepared for.  I spent so many years just trying to forget what happened, pushing it all back so I could do what I had to for the children to make sure they had all they needed, were happy and knew they were loved.  But every year I would look back and wish that I had just gotten home a few minutes sooner.  I no longer blame myself. Had to stop wondering what if.

I used to go back to the old property and sit out front staring at the place where you died.  The barn is now gone but somehow I was able to still see it. Luckily my time to mourn you finally came and now I sit on the other side of that giant ocean of tears able to see through the pain to many of the good times we had, the laughs we shared, the moments of perfect joy I get to hold onto and smile knowing those times will always be ours to share.  OK, maybe one or two more tears are still hanging around waiting to be shed.  One just decided to escape as I have been writing you.  Those now, however, are tears of remembrance, not pain.

Thank you for staying with me, with us all of these years.  Thank you for the little hints you were around, the hints of cigarette smoke in the air let me know you were here.  You have been missed very much and those moments were a comfort, and your timing was always perfect.  Also, thank you for letting me know there was nothing I could do, that it was just your time.  I understand now.

Once again as that time grows near I remember the moment in time I was forced to say good bye to my best friend, my truest love, the father of my children, my soulmate, but it will be just a little bit easier.  My heart is lighter, no longer filled with the pain of blame and fear I could have done more.  I will forever hold you in my memories and you will always hold a piece of my heart. 

Until we meet again. 

#51 - My Mini-Me Trip

Have you ever gone into such a deep trance or hypnosis that you go back in time?  Yesterday in my second float therapy session I had the most amazing experience.  I am pretty sure based on the redness of my eyes that I even cried during it.  It was such an eye-opening experience, tugging at every string between my heart and mind and it gave me such peace.  I am still feeling a little beside myself from it...almost literally.

As I prepared for my float, my mind was in such a state of disarray, such clutter, so many emotions flying around inside my heart and head it was hard to stop thinking and relax.  This week has been an overload and I just felt I was losing myself completely in the chaos.  So as I laid down in the pool, I told myself to let go and remember my best piece of advice, the one that gets me through everything.  "Breathe.  That is all that is required of you because everything else is optional.  Just breathe!"

Dim blue pin-lights in the ceiling, salt water glistening below, warm and inviting pool of blissfulness  soon to become complete silence and darkness. This has become my new happy place away from home.  Feels about as close to floating in the ocean as one can get without being there.  My mind bringing to the party the sounds and smells of the beach, gulls squawking overhead, waves slapping the shore, and the air so fresh and light.  Almost home.  My mind lets go.  Relax.  Peace.

A hand reaches out and grabs mine, holding it ever so tight, firm but loving.  I know this hand, this feeling, this touch.  I have missed this hand so much over the years.  No words are needed.  My husband is with me again, holding my hand through this journey.  Another is there too.  The warmth of another embraces my other hand.  My Gramma, lost a year after my husband.  My two favorite people are here.  I hear my heart beat speed up, then slow, breathing deep, in then out.  They hold my hands as I watch myself at the tender age of 4 running and playing, so happy, not a care in the world.  Just breathe.  Stay in the moment.  Stay.  Maybe this will last forever.  Such peace.

The lights came back on and I emerged as if having been reborn.  So at peace with what happened, in awe of it all really.  I cannot fully comprehend the message given to me during this experience enough to put into words.  All I know is the sense of peace I came back with is unmistakable.  It was an emotional explosion like no other.  My eyes so red as if I had cried for days, my heart so full and yet light as a feather.  I understand yet am still grasping, wanting to hold on just a little longer.  All I can do is look forward, take another step, a leap of faith that there will be ground to land on.  Eyes open looking to the future, heart and mind finally feeling the connection, ready to explore what comes.  My inner-child reminding me that its fun to run and laugh and play.  My first true love watching over me and never leaving my side.  Gramma, the closest thing to a real mother I ever experienced, always with me helping to guide me.  The message is so clear. 

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