Time again

It has been a very long time since I wrote here.  Honestly, a very long time since I wrote anything besides a shopping list or quick notes on a calendar.  I seemed to have had a wee bit of writers block.  So today I am trying again to see if I can complete an entry instead of leaving yet another draft hovering in the purgatory of computer, not quite a full thought but enough to linger aimlessly among all the other attempts I have made over the past couple months.

I guess you could say that life got in the way of my writing.  All the 'things' I find to entertain myself, all the projects I take on, all the art and jewelry I make and the pool teams I join to keep myself busy and remove my mind from those few things that I really want to do but for some reason have such a fear of even trying. 

Hiding behind a facade of strength, courage and independence who is really inside this shell...a child who was beaten down, abused by physically and emotionally by those who were supposed to love and care for her, and always fearing what was just around the corner, who was left to care for, raise and protect her younger siblings.  Just a child who was forced to grow up way too fast who never got the chance to put away the fears of being not enough so as an adult wears that mask as a shield.

How does one remove the facade and become the person they really want to be?  I am not talking about changing one's appearance, even though that could be a big part of it.  I want to know if it is possible for a person to change who they really are inside.  If so, how? 

At now 50 years old, I feel trapped.  I feel as if I am stuck in a rut, working for a company that lost it's give-a-shit for it's employees long ago and makes a point to make it very apparent on a regular basis.  I am good at what I do but my 'job' keeps me in the same internal rut.  I no longer love what I do which takes up about half of the waking hours of my life.  I feel I am wasting my life for a mere paycheck that barely covers the necessities and leaves little for anything else.  I have my art but the fear I am not good enough to live on it holds me back from pursuing it as a more full time career.  I have other ideas of things I would love to do but again that nasty fear-bug keeps rearing it's ugly head and causing me to hold back, to save what I have and not take a chance on failing and losing it all.

I think a lot of it stems from being homeless so early in life and not knowing where I would sleep or where my next meal would come from that really set a tone for how I would 'squirrel away for winter' now as an adult.  So many things that happened to create who I am today.  How does someone break free of the labels and the fears and the safety zones to do something amazing and become the successfully happy person they so wish to be?

At this point, all I have is a deep sigh and lots of question marks dancing around in my head.  I am not giving up in any way, just have to figure out how to change my direction which is  is keeping me in this rut of borderline happiness and start steering towards the things that really make me smile, bring out the true happy within me and shed the opinions of all who don't matter that I seem to allow to hold me down and build up a wall around who I really am.  Time for me to break down the walls which encase the real me and really grow and allow my true self to emerge from the dark corner it has been hiding for most of my life.  Question is...where to start?  Maybe finally getting this out of my head will be the first step in the process of changing the path I am on to point me in the direction I want to do and become the person I really want to be.

First thing to remember...just breathe.

The Simplicity of a Tree

Have you ever a moment to lie on the ground on a warm and windy day and listened to the wind talk to the trees and the trees talk back?  How about looked up from the bottom of a tree and wondered how long it took to get so big or how the branches decided to go where they did.  Maybe wondered about the history that tree had witnessed.  Kind of a deep thought.

To me, trees are glorious in their uniqueness, no two alike, each with their branches reaching out from different parts of their trunk, fingering out as if reaching for the sky.  Not only do they give life through the oxygen they produce but they also become homes for other species, both inside their greatness to things like squirrels and insects as well as in their arm-like branches to hold nests or other animals who stop by.

There are so many different types of trees too.  Those that grow beautiful leaves that turn different colors through the spring to fall seasons and cover the ground as winter approaches.  Others that do not grow leaves, instead producing needles and foliage that stays deep hues of green through out the year. Still others produce flowers and yummy fruits that are loved by man and beast alike.

Many trees survive fires, flood, droughts, extreme heat and cold and every year produce their beautiful leaves, flowers and fruits right on schedule.  Some even send their seeds off to grow new little trees wherever they land while others expand their network through their roots.  Each jungle and meadow and mountain housing so many different types of trees all living side by side in harmony.  So many different types that do so many different things, so unique yet alike.  Some even blend to become new species of trees, taking on the best of each to produce a new type that can withstand more.

Now, take a moment to think back on what you have just read.  What else can you think of that the word tree could be replaced by?  Humans are very similar.  Just like trees, we start from seeds, reaching for the sky as we age, each very unique in who we become, what we look like and what we produce.  Unlike trees, however, we are not rooted in one spot and we can move to different locations depending on what we desire.  We can create little humans if we choose, we get fruits from our labor, some blossom into beautiful people while others grow into thorns and cause pain.  Many give shelter to others, many weather horrendous storms and stand strong.  We live different lives even though we live in the same concrete jungle, each branching off in directions of our own choosing but all reaching for the sky.

The question you have to ask yourself is what kind of tree am I.

Filling the Divots and Holes

For the past week I have been listening to a book and absolutely loving it.  Now, let me say this first, I am not a big reader or someone who listens to books all the time so for me to knock one out in a week means something.  This book, all I can say is perfect timing.  It is exactly what I needed to hear right now.  It made the past 49 years make sense and helped me see what I need to do next to better myself and get what I want.

Since I started it I caught myself thinking outside the box a lot more, trying new things I always thought were just out of reach, and getting out of my comfort zone.  I stopped finding excuses and started just doing the things that I know I love, need to do to love myself more, and focusing on what is most important right now...ME.  I have been so focused on everyone else for so long, so concerned what others thought, so afraid to rock the boat, fearing that people would think less of me if they knew who I really was that I hid behind the curtains, only allowing them to see the puppet version me that I made move by the strings of societies norms. 

It wasn't until just now that I really understood just how much of myself I have kept hidden.  Why?  Why do I really care what other people think?  Who is so damned important that their opinion of me should make me feel bad about myself.  I realized this stemmed from my childhood and that growing up in world where my mother was always spewing mean and cutting words at us as well as the pretty regular open hand or thrown object and my father made it abundantly clear he didn't want daughters.  I had been looking for their approval for so many years as a child, during those important years when our psyche is being molded, so impressionable as a piece of clay in the hands of an artist.  When those hands are hard and hurtful, they can create holes and divots instead of the solid and strong form which can allow for doubts and fears to sink in and fill the empty spaces. 

I am glad to say that this is not irreversible, just means a little more work is needed to remove those hurtful feelings of fear and doubt and fill those spaces with the power within.  Now, before I go on, now I am not blaming my parents for anything that has happened in my adult life.  I am not blaming them for the choices I made or anything else like that.  I will not give them that power over who I have become because I have made it to this point in spite of them, not because of them.  I am damn proud of where I am now and know that by making a few changes, now finding the things I need to fix and healing from within I will become an even better representation of me.  I will no longer find myself afraid to be me, giving a shit about what others think of me, fearing repercussions of removing the puppet strings and just living life to its fullest.

This book has not been the whole reason for this change in mindset but it has been another tool in my arsenal that helped me realize what I need to do, how I need to do it, and gave me ability to see my inner strengths that will propel me forward to the goals I have set for myself.  In the past few months the amazing writings I have listened to in audio books have really helped me tap into my inner warrior and given me an excitement towards the future I did not have, lit a fire for lack of a better term.  I am so ready for the next chapter of my life, having already started writing it with my new art pieces and business avenue added to my already full arsenal of beautiful things I capture and create.  Watch closely because there is so much more to come.  This is going to be an amazing year and I am excited to be able to share it with everyone. 

Next step...

Not Batshit Crazy

Off and on over the years since my husband passed away I have tried online dating. I used to think that you get what you paid for because I was coming up with lots of throw-backs on those sites that were free. Same pictures of the same guys who seemed to be all too perfect and were apparently from some other country or working in another country and lining up suckers for when they got back.  Yea, I said suckers.  I have seen those fake profiles that someone with even half a brain would know were fake.  It blows my mind people actually fall for that crap.  First question:  How do women fall for that and why in the world would they give money to them?  Yea, I have watched the talk shows that have the pathetic women on telling how they have given thousands and thousands of dollars to the scam artists but they are still in love.  Seriously?  Mind blown!

Then there is the ones who are real men but who build up their profiles with pictures that are at least 10 years old if not older and have them looking like super models or are only from the shoulders up.  Why people can't be themselves is the question?  Do you think that the rest of you hiding in the cropped out part of the picture are not going to be visible when you meet?  Do you not think that your date will be quite disappointed in the fact you could not post a current photo showing that you are now bald with a keg not a great head of hair with a 6-pack?  Why is it people can't be honest about who they are.

And talk about pickup lines.  It seems that the guys on those singles sites are sitting there at their computers with the dating app open on one screen and Googling cheesy pickup lines on the other and using them like bait on a hook, dangling them to see who will bite.  Come on guys, do you think those really work?  Ladies, please say it isn't so?

I even tried paying a membership fee in hopes that it would bring a higher class of potential suitors.  Well, that didn't work.  Same trolls over and over with the same 10 year old photos, profiles that were just too good to be true.  Only difference is that the pool was more shallow because less men were willing to fork out the pennies for potential dates.

The best thing though was the compliments.  "Love your pictures."  " You seem perfect for me."  "You are so beautiful."  "You're gorgeous."  "How are you single?"  Now don't get me wrong, those are nice things to have said to you and at first I was flattered.  The problem is they seem to be a different bucket of pickup lines made for the online community of trolls.  They all say the same thing, then when you don't want to give them your phone number or meet them immediately they either become pissy or disappear all together.  The 'dating experts' say you should meet in a reasonable amount of time, however when you have a life outside of the computer, sometimes it is not as easy as drop everything to schedule a meet-up.  Also, sometimes if you chat just a little longer, their true selves come out and you don't end up wasting the make-up and getting ready time to meet just another troll.  By the way, how does one become a 'dating expert'?  Do they just do nothing but date people?  I mean really?

Yes, I sound cynical at this point, I know.  Honestly, I guess I am.  I work from home so meeting someone at the office is out, my children are grown so the single dad pool is gone too, and after the countless disappointments the online dating community has dished out, how could one not be.  I don't go to bars to meet people because what you meet in a bar you lose in a bar, and my grocery store is filled with old people so we won't fall madly in love at first sight over the salad bar.  I have always jokingly said the man of my dreams will need to knock on my door and say, "Here I am sweetie" or I may never find him.  My computer is apparently the only avenue I have for meeting people I would otherwise never 'run into' in my daily life.  I am a hopeful romantic feeling hopeless about the possibilities of really meeting the right Mr. Right for me and that kind of sucks.

Yet, I will continue to keep trying.  I will keep hoping I will find the man who is my best friend, my other half, my soul mate.  I will not give up, maybe take long breaks but never give up.  After all, I did get the best compliment just recently and no it was not a Google search special.  "You are still the only one I've met online that's not batshit crazy."  There may still be hope yet.  Wish me luck.

Creating Beauty

This week has finally had a turn around.  After what I believe was a successful release of the man in my dreams, I was left with a great energy that needed to be put to work.  I started trying my hand at a new form of artwork in the form of wiring.  No, I'm not done with my other types, the canvas for my next painting is waiting on the easil and my camera is sitting by waiting for another opportunity to capture beauty, but I love being able to play in so many different creative arenas.  For me, it is like being able to see all the colors of the rainbow, not just the red, yellow or blue.  With all the different mediums I play in I am able to capture and create beauty with them all, maybe even combine them to see what can happen then.  Who knows. 

I used to think bouncing from one thing to another was a bad thing.  Someone actually commissioned a painted chair from me saying, 'I want to get it ordered before you go on to doing other things.'  I didn't quite know how to take that at first, thinking something must be wrong with me if I can't stay with one thing.  The person who commissioned it did.  She is amazing at the craft she does and is quite successful.  Me, on the other hand, have bounced from thing to thing with small successes in each but nothing that has taken off and become my one thing.  Now looking back though, I do not think that is so bad.  Quite the opposite.  I love it because it does not stop me from trying new things or pushing myself to my limits to see where the line is and how much I can move it to become a new limit. 

So, here is to new and exciting avenues of creation.  Here is to the beauty that will come from my two hands and my heart.  I am thrilled to see what new beauty I can create.  Blessed be.

The Man in my Dreams

As much as I would like to say this is a romantic story, one that would make your heart skip a beat, one where the man and women ended up in each other's arms kissing and stuff, this is not.  This is the story of a tortured soul who has a story to tell but because no one listens, no one hears him screaming for help, no one can even see him...when they are awake, he has only one way to get his story out.  In their dreams.

For 4 of the past 5 nights now I have been tortured at night with visions and dreams of someone who I can see, a white man in his late 20s early 30s, short brown hair, no beard or mustache or even stubble.  He has something to say but I can't make it out.  At first I thought maybe my imagination was running ramped in my sleep. I would wake almost 3-4 times during the early hours between midnight and 3:30 AM and have to get up and walk a bit to go back to sleep.  Then Monday morning as I was sitting in the chair by the living room door writing my blog, the door which was locked and is never used flew open and slammed into the door with what seemed to be the force of someone pushing it and a gust of wind so cold it sent chills through me flew by.  I was hoping that it was a sign that whatever was waking me was leaving.  That night, although I had an eerie feeling someone was watching and had to check all the doors more than once before finally laying down to sleep, I did sleep uninterrupted.  It was a blessing...and a curse.  I thought that whatever it was had left...but I now fear that wasn't the case.  He was just letting me know it wasn't my imagination.  He's still here.

Again last night and this morning he woke me several times during the early hours and had me dreaming of the water but this time was the beach.  This time my children were in the dream, when they were young, just playing in the sand on the beach.  Some of my friends were also in the dream, a elderly mother and her daughter that live together.  We were staying at their house on the beach, I was try to get my swimsuit on and found she had washed and dried it and it had a hole in it.  I know it sounds weird but it is some of the bits and pieces I remember from the dream.  They don't make a lot of sense however I feel I must capture them.

One other thing.  For the past week in my waking hours it has felt like my eyes were burning.  I do work on the computer a lot so I chalked it up to that, screen fatigue.  This is not normal however and now I think I understand why.  I believe that this poor soul somehow lost his sight.  I feel that because when I woke this morning and came down stairs, let the dogs out, got my coffee and headed to the living room to write.  As I started to enter the room I had this massive sense that he was sitting on his knees, no hovering just over the floor in the middle of the room looking for me yet not looking.  Facing towards the doorway I would enter through, eyes open, but his eyes were just white, no pupil, no color, just white as if someone has stolen his sight.  He was just there, my minds eye could see him but I was not afraid.

Now, for those of you who know me and know my reaction to spiders and creepy crawlies, let me tell you no, I did not spill my coffee, not even a drop. I did not jump, not even a shiver.  This fact even now as I am writing this shocks me.  For those of you who don't know me, I jump like I am trying to grab the ceiling and squeal like a little girl so for me to have no reaction doesn't make any sense either.  I walked in, calmly put down my coffee, grabbed the sage stick and feather, lit it, and proceeded to completely sage my home, top to bottom.  I fear this did nothing but scent my house and rid it of evil, which I do not feel he is.

Putting it all together, I feel this man has drowned, somewhere where there are boats and sand.  My fear is I picked up a hitchhiker on my way back from New Orleans.  So now I have to figure out what he is trying to say so he can leave again.

I wish this was just the story of a vivid imagination and had a nice, happy ending but as of right now, the ending is not here...so we wait.

UPDATE:  After a deep analysis with my sister witch, we have come to the conclusion that this may have been a lost soul from the south who lost their life due to a hurricane (wind blowing open the door).  Lost sight from injury (eyes and clothing damage).  Kneeling as if to show being humble, asking or requesting something, not there to scare or harm. 

Time to remember him and release his soul. Blessed be.

Happy Cooking

Late last year I started setting up my kitchen to help me figure out what I needed to do to lose the weight for good.  To remove the processed crap from my plate I started making everything from scratch.  What I had apparently forgotten is that I truly love to cook.  I knew I loved to bake, heck I owned a coffee shop/deli/bakery for a while so my love for the kitchen was not a super surprise.  What I didn't know is just how much joy I could get from slicing and dicing foods, preparing them, adding seasonings, the amazing smells that would radiate through my house, and the looks on the faces of those I had cooked for when they taste my latest masterpiece.  This was an unexpected but very much welcomed side effect of being in the kitchen.

I do have to give a little credit to the tools which I have been using.  There is truth in the fact that doing something with the right tools can really make it easier which can lead to enjoyment of the act which can make you want to do it more.  While I had not seen myself as being a consultant for the company for life, I had sure planned on getting those amazing tools I had wanted in my kitchen so I could cook easier and have more fun.  Success.  My absolute favorite pieces are my knives.

There is just nothing more important than a good, strong, sharp knife that can really make the difference. Without one can struggle to get things properly cut up, lose the ability to have even sized items (not that it really matters to some but it is kind of fun to try), and most important it can be dangerous.  If a knife is not strong enough or is not sharp enough one can get serious injury.  I can't tell how many times I have cut myself trying to do something and the knife slips.  I even had one snap when I was cutting something, I think it was an apple, and the blade went flying.  Cheap is cheap.

So many people have said to me as I was doing a show or event, 'it's so expensive.  I can't afford that.'  What people fail to understand is just how much they are spending buying the cheap versions over and over again when they break or fail.  If you spend the money one time to buy a good quality knife that is backed by a lifetime guarantee, you will be spending in a lifetime of buying over and over again the same as buying quality once.  It took me a minute to wrap my head around this as well but it's true.  Spend your hard earned money on something that will give you the best results and last or be guaranteed instead of knock offs that will fail and fail and fail.

Now, don't get me wrong.  If you are not going to be using the tool a lot, if you are not going to be pushing it to the limits, enjoying using it, getting your money's worth out of it, don't buy it.  If you are only going to use something once or twice for a special occasion and then never need it again, buy cheap.  It's OK.  Just don't punish yourself by buying cheap on everything.

So by now you have noticed I have not mentioned the company name.  I did not start off writing this blog post as an advertisement, however, that is what it appears to have become so I guess I will go with it.  I am a Pampered Chef consultant.  No, this is not my day job but it has served me well, filled my kitchen with more than I will ever need of fabulous tools and gadgets to help me prepare foods and really get back where I enjoy being.  It has reminded me just how truly happy I am knife in hand dicing up foods, listening to the sizzle of the veggies in the pan as the heat brings their flavors to life, putting them into amazing dishes to feed friends and family.  It even paid for me to go on many trips this year for my other business as a photographer so I could capture some really amazing shots and as an artist so I could paint my beautiful paintings from those shots.  All in all, it really did help me in many aspects.  But the most important was bringing me back to the thing I didn't know I was missing.  My kitchen is my new happy place where I can make magic to share. 

Well, off to make another scrumptious meal. 

Next...

Well, not only have I eliminated all the clothing and shoes I do not use, I have also started tackling the other things in my room.  While doing that I have also been planning out the new decor.  I am actually enjoying the release and freedom found from removing the clutter, the leftover memories, the things holding me prisoner in my past.  To put it in writing it just sounds super silly but I really feel those things were holding me back, stopping me from moving forward into the new and exciting experiences I have yet to have.  They were just another excuse not to allow someone to get too close, to penetrate the walls I had built around myself to stop others from hurting me, to save myself another pain.

These past few months have really opened my eyes to just how comfortable and secure I had become in the prison of my own design. The house which I fell in love with years ago as safe place to raise my children and grow has now become something I constantly complain about, letting it just become a cluster of memories and things that had no value to my continuing growth instead of a place I could recharge my mental and emotional self and expand my horizons.  These things that once made me smile and had purpose in my world now adding to the bricks in the wall hiding me from the life I am meant to have.  With every one that I remove, with every memory I release, I feel one more brick is also removed from that wall.

I had made goals for myself this year, not a resolution because we all know those get lost within a few weeks or months.  One of my goals was to lose the weight that has plagued me for so long.  I have done the diet of the month so many times, from Weight Watchers to Slim for Life to Atkins, even the cabbage soup diet and others raved about by skinny bitches on the internet and while I had little successes here and there, nothing really did it for me. What I did for the diet part will be the subject of another blog, but I touch on it here because what I didn't realize with all those diet gimics that I tried was that they were not finding the underlying cause of the problem.  That silo-like wall I had built to save me from hurt and pain was also in the form of fat on my body.  I think that mentally and emotionally I had been hurt so much in the past, not only from the death of my husband and the broken relationships in my adult life but also from my childhood, being sexually abused, first by a male babysitter my mother had hired to her boyfriends that came through the revolving door of our home and not having someone there who could save me from those hells.  I think that in my mind I decided if I put on the pounds I would be safe. 

So, back to the goals.  One of those goals was to lose at least 20 lbs by my next birthday, my big 50.  I wanted to be on the path to getting my happy body back.  What I have figured out though is that while I was just focusing on the weight on my body, what I had not taken into consideration is the weight of crap sitting on my soul.  SO, technically in just starting with my step 1 I have lost about 100 lbs in the past few weeks.  That is 100 lbs of stuff holding me back, weighing on my mind and body.  I have not failed in my goal, I have met and surpassed it and as I continue down this path of release, I feel that mentally and physically I will continue to become stronger and be able to accomplish all that I set my mind to. 

Here is to the next 100 pounds. 

Eliminate What Doesn't Help You Evolve

Finally found a few free minutes all to myself where nothing required my attention last night. Feels like that was the first time since returning from our vacation.  Still a little tired from all the insanity that awaited me when I returned to work yet not as bad as the week before I decided to start tackling the project that will probably take me til Spring...or so it seems.  My declutter.  Not just that but my release from all the worldly things that I thought I had to hold onto, clothes I might wear again, projects I might get around to, stuff that may be useful sometime in the future but just not right now.  When I think about all of it like that, it sounds like a hoarding situation.  Luckily it's not like that but I can really see how it is possible to get to that point.

Having had little to call my own when I was young to becoming homeless and having almost nothing in my teens, to getting where I am today, sometimes it is hard to let go of things.  It is also hard not to buy more things just because I can, thinking about ways to use them, and holding onto them, allowing them to take up space in my world.  

When upcycled art was one of two main focuses of my business, I used that as a reason to buy lots of things.  My business was successful, I made many lovely things out of trash and leftover pieces of other stuff.  I was able to share my beauties with others and them wanting to bring them into their homes to continue to admire.  This was a real passion of mine.  It was a release of part of myself into the world and it was amazing.  It was also a lot of fun to watch the expressions of those realizing what my creations were originally.  To turn a soda can into a beautiful rose or a butterfly and light bulbs into ornaments, and other upcycles, it was just fun to be able to think outside the box.

After a while tho it became exhausting trying to keep up with the ever changing desires of people. Art, after all, is not a necessity in life so when money gets tight people quit buying art.  This caused that me to have to rethink my business.  Also trying to work the booths at weekend events alone was just too much for me to handle.  I did have some assistance from my children but they were busy too with their lives so I could not burden them with having to continue to help me.  I decided that part of my business would have to end.  Letting go of all the pieces and parts, the upcycle stuff, well that was a challenge I still have not completely met.  I have gotten rid of the majority but I have held onto some little bits and pieces 'just in case' I wanted to do them again.  This is the mentality I have to break.  This is what I feel is holding me stagnant, not allowing me to move forward towards my next adventure.  

My business changed and grew to focus more on the fine arts and photography.  It too has caused a collection of stuff to take over my space.  In allowing all the clutter to take over my spaces, I have robbed myself of clear mind in which to create.  Since returning from my trip, I have found myself almost without a creative thought.  Every time I want to sit down at the canvas and create I find something distracts me from it and points me towards something else to do.  This is what I am trying to remove.

So, starting from the top down, literally the top of my house, I started in my bedroom.  Going through my clothes to determine what makes me happy and what I am just holding onto but have no joy in.  I heard that somewhere recently and it really stuck.  Does it give you joy?  Does it make you happy? If the answer is no, get rid of it.  This opens up space for joy and happiness.  It makes so much sense.  Simple but effective.  In just an hour I went through my closet and was able to release myself of a huge trash bag of clothing I get no joy from.  I'm not done but the sense of accomplishment gives me the desire to continue.  

Tonight I will do more, hopefully finishing the clothing, going through the other things in there and making a space I feel more peace in.  I am not going to stress about the amount of work to be done nor the removal of all of the things I have memories with.  I am also not going to feel down if I do not finish tonight.  This is another part of the process.  Making myself see it as a bunch of little projects to be completed instead of one massive project that is overwhelming. I know that in the past that is part of why I just stopped trying.  It felt like too much, just the thought of trying to accomplish this massive task was exhausting.  Looking at it from this perspective takes away the anxiety and allows me to see the little wins.  It also makes me look forward doing more.  

This is just one more step on the path to becoming who I am meant to be in the next chapter of my life.  

The Eagles Have Landed

Monday morning, up bright and early, ready to tackle the day.  Somehow still feeling tired but don't know if it was lack of quality sleep or if it is because I know this day I am limited on the time I haveTdo things I enjoy, things that have true meaning to me. 

Yesterday was an almost amazing day.  Got up early, put on lots of layers, grabbed camera and tripod, mud boots, gloves, and head band to cover ears and off I went to hunt for eagles.  The lake was eerily silent, fog dancing on the ice on the lake.  The dead trees that protruded up from the lake bottom gave it a very spooky feeling.  Reminded me of the beginning of a scary movie when you were waiting for zombies to rise up from the graves.  Up high on those trees were what seemed to be a family of eagles, not for sure about that but from what I could see, there were 2 adults and a bunch of juveniles perched high, waiting for the sun to warm up the lake and thaw a few places for them to grab a meal.  Every once in a while one would shift and they would fly from one dead tree to another.  It was very neat to just watch them.  There was even one photo I took where it seemed one of the parents was scolding one of the children.  So amazing.

It is days like this when I feel most alive.  I am just taking in nature, filling my head with the sights and sounds of life's most basic gifts and enjoying every moment.  Oh to be a bird, to have wings that could take me high into the clouds, to be able to look down on all the sights and just soar, gliding through life with simple needs of eat, sleep, and mate and no mundane tasks, no care of what day it is or trivial stuff life brings us. 

Step 1

I have survived my first week back from my vacation, exhausted but alive.  Not that my job is in anyway dangerous except I might break a nail on the keyboard or possibly cuss in the wrong company.  I mean my sanity is still somewhat intact after another week of the mindless routine that is my job.  Don't get me wrong, there is a lot that goes into what I do which was evident by the comments I got when I returned from those who were covering for me which included "never again" and "find someone else to cover" and "how do you deal with all this?"  It's comical because I don't see it as all that hard, in fact sometimes I feel I work in my sleep.  There is just no challenge in it for me anymore, no excitement, nothing that makes me jump out of bed ready to take on the world.

This morning, however, is another story.  It's Saturday, my time, and I was up at 6 AM sharp with no alarm set, jumped in the shower, got dressed, tidied up a bit, made coffee, fixed my watch, then sat down to write.  I have started 4 blog entries so far, only one having gotten past the first few lines because I found myself dipping into the negativity pool.  I try so hard to be a positive person, looking for the silver lining on dark clouds, searching for the not-so-bad side of situations, but there are times when it seems next to impossible.  Those are the times I have to dig even deeper.  I refuse to give up, it's not in my DNA to quit, so I push on and hope that the light will shine eventually if I keep going...and it does.

Today, although I have gotten up before the sun has had a chance to shine, I feel it is going to be a good day.  I have planned things that make me smile, not a schedule but things I plan to do today and tomorrow that do not include a schedule.  I am starting to work on getting my mind in the right place to start planning my future, figuring out what I need to do to make my happy days out number those not so happy.  Art will be included in these two days so that in itself makes me smile.  I still need to finish going through all the hundreds of photos from my vacation, which will also be a pleasant thing to do and a project with an ending which is also nice.  It's the little things that can bring such big joy.  I just need to keep reminding myself of this.  Kind of like looking at the rocks, sand and water story in a different way. The rocks or boulders in our lives, bills and work.  The sand and water that fill in all the space around those two giant annoyances are all of the little things we do every day that fill our hearts with joy and make dealing with those two monsters a lot easier to tolerate.  

Time for more sand and water!

Step 2...

From Vacation Back to the Daily Grind

Being away from home, away from the responsibilities of life and the daily grind can be a magical thing.  Getting out of the country and visiting new places is even more fun.  Putting toes in sand, shopping, seeing new things and meeting new people, expanding one's horizons adds so much to a person's life resume.  No, not the resume you use to get a job, but the list of things you have done and accomplishments you have made.  I believe that should be just as important. 

Living means getting out and doing things that are not the same old thing you do every day, spending a little of that money you work so hard for to get out and do something for yourself, buying a pretty or two, or even just seeing something for the first time.  These experiences can even be relatively free.  Get in the car and just drive until you get tired of driving and see something new.  Pick a place on a map within a half a day's drive and go.  Those little excursions can be just what the doctor ordered for a tired mind or broken soul. 

For me, those little jaunts lead to bigger and further travels, this time taking me first to New Orleans, LA, then to Key West, Freeport and Nassau in the Bahamas.  What an amazing trip it was too.  Getting back on the ocean, cruising in style with roughly 3600 other people from all walks of life, seeing beautiful places, sunrises and sunsets on the sea, local wildlife, fabulous people in other countries, it was just an amazing vacation! 

One problem, it was just not long enough.  Back to work only one day and I remembered all too well why I needed a vacation.  The insanity that is the daily grind.  Watching people fall into the circle of insanity, doing the same thing over and over expecting different results yet refusing to listen to common sense and jump out.  This happens a lot in corporate America.  I also feel I personally have fallen into the same circle of insanity.  SSDD...Same Sh*t Different Day. 

Now is when I need to reevaluate the circle of insanity I am running in and decide which path I wish to jump towards.  Kind of like deciding what to be when I grow up, time to choose a path.  So many choices, just want to find one that will not make me dream of vacations but feel like my daily tasks are so much fun I don't look for time away.  Time to start making lists of what I do and don't like, what I want to do every day and what I don't.  Either finding a company that really cares about it's employees enough to pay them properly and give raises to show that their hard work is appreciated, insurance that is actually usable, and the comfort of knowing they will have a job in a year or go back out on my own as an entrepreneur again.  So many choices. 

I definitely have my work cut out for me.  I am ready for the task.  Coming up on my half century birthday soon, and craving something new.  Not a mid-life crises, more like an awakening to fact that I have been not-so-happy with what I spend most of my waking hours doing 5 days a week.  I am good at what I do which was proven to me even just yesterday as I returned from my vacation to be told by the person who was covering for me he never wanted to do it again.  My skill in what I do proves I love my work, problem is it is hard to want to push yourself to do better when the company you work for doesn't care enough to show it's employees they have worth by pay increases and good benefits.  The incentives have been lost. 

I wish that the company would actually care but wishing that seems as fruitless as trying to raise the dead.  Guess it's time for me to either become a full-on zombie or wake the hell up and make some decisions.  I have some homework to do.

The Seer

The morning was so peaceful and silent, only noises that could be heard was the low hum of the machines in the back ground running as they always did.  No dogs barking, no children playing, no cars rushing by.  Just the low hum and silence.  Enjoying her first cup of coffee during this blissfully quiet time was her gift to herself every morning.  Just relaxing and quietly contemplating the day's events to come.  This was her time.

This day was like all the others as she sat quietly sipping on her first cup.  Her cats sitting close as if guarding her from anything that would come.  They could see things their human couldn't.  Those things that have passed from their physical bodies in this world but have still not really left.  The cats can see them, can hear them, and they warn her when the others come around.  Kind of like her own personal spirit alarms, perking up their ears and watching them, hissing and crying if they are near their human.  This is their job and they take it very seriously.

Their human.  She has known about the spirits all her life.  She had been hearing them and seeing them since she was a child.  As an adult her gift had grown, adding the ability to smell things not there.  Smoke from a cigarette, garlic from the hands of an Italian cook, perfume from a loving grand mother, these were all signs that helped her determine who was around when they didn't wish to be seen.  They all wanted to be heard.  They all had a message they needed relayed.  Not all their messages were easy to decipher or to know who they needed to go to.  This was the challenge she faced every day because if she didn't get the message right or pass it to the right people, they would get angry.  They were not nice when they were angry.

Some of the spirits liked to play games, to move and hide things.  Others liked to put things in places where they would be seen.  The problem was when they got angry, they could do things that could hurt her.  Leaving small things to trip over at the top of the stair case or things that would roll to cause a fall.  The spirits were not above causing pain, especially if they didn't get their way.  Almost like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum.  They could get mean when they wanted to and this she tried to avoid. The cost was too great.  She had already experienced loss from their wrath.

It was a cold morning many years earlier, quite similar to this one actually.  She had been focused on her child, getting her up and ready for school, tiding up behind her as she ran through life without a care in the world.  Her job as a mother was to make sure her baby was able to be a child, run and play and enjoy the innocent years before the world took hold and force her to grow up.  She focused so hard on this so her girl could have what she did not.  And she did.  She was a typical, healthy, happy, beautiful extension of her mother.

When the baby was born, she all her time and energy on her.  She no longer had time to listen, to hear what the others were saying.  It was as if she had turned down the volume or turned off her abilities.  The baby was growing and requiring more and more of her time, causing her to neglect the others.  But they had their messages.  They had been trying to talk to her, trying to get her attention but she had been too busy.  This had made them angry and they were going to get her attention, one way or another.

The little girl loved her dolls and had her favorites she played with, always toting them around yet on this morning one was missing.  Over the years the others had started to play with her.  It was not uncommon for them to hide her dolls so she began to hunt.  Before when  they played with her she would find them under the bed or in the closet.  Looking high and low, she searched, finally finding one of the favorites laying just outside the upstairs window on the porch roof.  Being a child she didn't see the danger.  It seemed easy enough to just go out the window and grab it, so she thought.  She quietly opened the window, crawled through onto the roof.  Holding onto the window sill, her doll was just out of reach.  She would have to take another step, she would have to let go.  As she did, she stepped out from under the overhang where the roof was damp from the morning dew, her little feet slid out from under her.  A scream, a crash, then silence.

The mother rushed outside to where she had heard the noise.  Her heart broke as she rushed over to her baby girl who was now laying motionless next to her doll on the front steps.  A pool of blood beginning to circle her head like the halo of an angel.  Her baby was gone.  She knew it in her heart.  She could also hear her, she was calling out, confused and scared. 

The other's were speaking now, too, and now she would listen.  They had finally gotten her attention again but the cost was too much.  They had broken her.  She would no longer love, pushing everyone away in fear that they too could be hurt by the others.  She knew what had happened.  They had done this, had taken away her reason for living.  Yet she was not one to give up.  She would be here for her remaining years listening and helping.  She would do all she could and...she would be able to communicate with her baby girl.  Not as a mother could.  No more hugs.  She would never grow up to be a beautiful young lady, graduating, getting married, having babies.  This was stolen from her by them.

 As the years passed, she became more and more angry.  She stopped hearing her baby girl so she stopped listening to the others...stopped helping.  She was ready to go, to be free of this world.  The years had been hard but she pushed through.  Now, as she layed in her bed struggling for each breath, she drempt of her baby girl, hoping that she would be there to greet her when she passed.  One more breath.  She felt a hand on hers.  All at once she realized that it she had no more pain, no more struggles to breathe.  She was free of her earthly body, and the hand now holding hers was the hand of her baby girl.  They were once again united.  Her heart was now whole again, and death was good.

Three Simple Words

Have you ever heard something over and over again, almost like a song getting stuck in your head but not.  You hear the specific thing on TV, from friends, on the radio, even in your dreams.  Life is giving you a sign, a message that you need to take heed to and stop ignoring or it will just get louder and louder.  Well, this has been happening to me over and over again with 3 simple words.  Not 'I love you.'  Not 'Go to bed,' although I would love that to be them so I could get more rest.  Not 'Get a job,' I have one of those keeping me Just Over Broke.  My three simple words haunting my days and nights lately have been 'Make the Change.'

I am trying to figure just what part of my life needs a change and in looking at it, it seems that many areas of my life do.  There are so many points of pain in my world that cause me stress and grief, exhaustion and negativity, even frustration and annoyance that I must start reevaluating what I do with my time, yes MY TIME which is all of the seconds, minutes and hours in every day I have on this earth and start utilizing those to better my life instead of worrying about and working on everyones problems except my own.

My life has become a routine of get out of bed, let out the dogs, make coffee, write in my blog while listening to purring cats (this only happens when the dogs are out), let the dogs back in (off with the cats), start working (wondering why I do this 5 days a week and seem to get nowhere for a company that doesn't appreciate me in the least little bit as has been proven by not giving me a raise in more years than my dogs have been on this earth), then depending on the day either off to the pool hall to take out some frustration on little balls by smacking them with sticks or do some art or something at home, after which depending on the time either wasting time watching the boob tube or drifting off to sleep.  Wow, I just described most of my life in one very long run-on sentence.  How depressing is that?

Now that I have finally started listening to the voice in my head instead of pushing it off out of fear, I have got to get started on making the changes in my world that will help me LIVE again instead of just existing in a hum-bum life that gives little joy.  To begin this process, I will start by listing all the points of pain in my life, like a pros and cons list of the things I do each day and determine if they have value to add or not.  From there I will make a plan of action for each that does not better my life either by fixing the issues causing problems or eliminating them all together.  I am almost fifty years old (wow, I just admitted that out loud), having spent the better part of my life caring for everyone else and putting myself on the shelf to wait for a time when I could work on me.  The time is now to fix that.  The time to sit idly by and allow others to use me and walk all over me is no longer.  Time to take back what is mine and make it work better for me.  

One other thing I must do is stop feeling guilty for thinking of myself first.  I am in aw of those who were able to grow up without that little guilt monster riding on their shoulder telling them how bad they are for doing something for themselves.  I am sure that little monster was placed on my shoulder by my mother in all the years she was a part of my life telling me how worthless I was and how I would never amount to anything.  That wears on a person, stunting the growth possibilities and making it harder to achieve success.  No, I am not blaming her for where I am today.  I am where I am today in spite of her and what she did and I am damn proud of it.  Now I just have to squash the little guilt monster she helped build so I can achieve even more.

 I am ready to live, ready to be happy in most if not all of my minutes and since no one is going to do it for me I will have to do it for myself.  Time to pull up the big-girl pants and just do it.  I do now need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up too as that will help guide my next steps.  

Step 1...

           

Happy Trees

Art, without it you would have no earth. Art makes the world go round. Every child is an artist, the problem is how to remain an artist when they grow up. 

So many quotes about art, about how amazing art is, how art is a release, etc.  One of my favorite quotes about art is "Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time. - Thomas Merton."  For me, this quote is so true.  In creating something artistic, whether it be a painting, a piece of jewelry or even a blanket (yes, I am still attempting to crochet but right now it looks more like a large washcloth), the creator is able to put a piece of themselves into the art.  They are expressing how they feel in their work and for every piece of work, their are feelings.  When someone looks at my work, I do not care if they like it or not. I did not make it for them to like it, I make my works for them to feel something.  If they feel, my work is done.

Take the most famous painting of all time, The Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci.  This piece of work has been viewed and discussed over the centuries.  Is she smiling?  Is she smirking?  Was this a painting of a lady, Lisa del Giocondo, who it is said was the subject as this piece was commissioned for her husband, or was it a combination of many people merged together in the mnd and brush of the artist.  This is one of many discussions over this painting over the years.  As good art should, it provoked discussion, thought, and feelings.

Even Mother Nature gets involved in the arts.  Take sunrise and sunset for example.  Every day a new canvas is painted in our skys.  Each one is different and each one makes the viewers feel something.  Now you can call it Gods work or Mother Nature or something else, I'm not going to debate that here but if you choose to view it and feel something, you have experienced art.  If you take a photo of it to capture or share, you have taken part in creating something artistic.  Now I am positive I just sent some snooty artists into a frenzy by that last statement, even I have been told I am not an artist because I have not been properly 'schooled', have not paid for classes being taught by snooty artists so I cannot call myself an artist but I do.  I am not a snooty artist. I feel everyone can create art and those who choose to look down their noses at others just because they did not pay for years of stuffy classroom teachings to learn the proper techniques are just snooty artists jealous of those who didn't need the classroom but I digress.  

I will leave you with one thought.  Take time to stop and see the art in your world.  Take time to create something that makes you hapy or feel something.  Share with the world the art within you and feel the release.  Art is everywhere.  Enjoy it.

Back to Work

There is something kind of depressing about the first day back from work after a vacation.  Thousands of emails to be read, lots of work to catch up on because it wasn't done in your absense.  Yea, it all kind of sucks...but one of my thoughts of change for this year is to find a more positive spin on things that suck...so here goes.

As I sit here in the silence of the morning drinking my first cup of coffee (no, I didn't add the good Irish Cream although I really considered it), I do have to be thankful that I do not have to get ready to 'go' to work and can just stay in my pj's on the couch where I am comfy warm and cozy.  All I have to do is boot up the ol' laptop and login. There is a positive for the day.  The rest, I am positive will suck. 

Honestly, there is only so much positive a person can have about the first day back to work after a vacation.  The fact that I had to put in many hours on my vacation because people couldn't do my job is beside the point. 

Outside of work, I am happy to say I have taken on two new types of artistic outlets.  First, I taught myself to crochet, so far just a simple stitch but hey, have made a very nice, very large washcloth.  Hoping it turns out to be the hooded scarf I have invisioned but if not, it will at least serve as a puppy blanket. 

The other is moving from acrylics to oils.  I am hoping to skip down the Bob Ross trail and follow some of his videos to see how I like oils.  I played with them a little over the weekend without Bob's help and think this could be somewhat fun.  But we shall see what kind of mess I can get into. They do take quite a long time to dry so for someone who hates to wait, this could prove to be a challenge but I'm up for the task. 

If you are still reading, yes, this is kind of a mess of a blog today but as I have had writers block and need to remove it, I have read many times that the best way to help with that is to just write whatever comes to the tips of your fingers until something starts to form again.  Still waiting for the forming but hopefully by tomorrow I will be able to write something more than my thoughts on going back to work.  UGH!

Til then, have a blessed day.

Starting a New Chapter

The beginning of a new year is a chance to begin something new.  The chance to start fresh, write a new chapter in your story, have a different view.  It's not that anything has physically changed except the page of a calendar yet many look at it as a jumping off point for a new beginning.  I, too, am one of those who sees the new year as a fresh start.  So, here goes.

I am not going to write New Year's Resolutions so much as give myself thoughts to hold onto through out the year to better myself and my situation, to become more of who I feel I am supposed to be and do more of what I fell I should be doing at this point in my story.  These are not going to be things I share with others, they are not for display.  These will be things I hold deep inside until time to release them to the universe.

Resolutions seem to be just things people say and try to do for a short time until it becomes too tiring or boring or they just give up and go back to the same old thing only to try again the following year.  I have fallen into that same group who fails within a month or so and looks back feeling defeated.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  It is almost like setting ourselves up for failure.

Instead this year I have written things I wish to do that are not just the same old thing.  Instead these are more attainable, more personally connected to where I want to go so hopefully this year will be different.  Nine things that I hope to keep inside to give myself daily reminders of what I want and where I want to be, moving steadily toward who I want to become.

The time is now to start something new, to work towards a new and better me, to focus on what I want instead of worrying about what I can't fix, what others think, and do only what is good for me and pointing myself towards the goals I have set for myself.  Today is the day of new beginnings.  Today is day 1.