Time again

It has been a very long time since I wrote here.  Honestly, a very long time since I wrote anything besides a shopping list or quick notes on a calendar.  I seemed to have had a wee bit of writers block.  So today I am trying again to see if I can complete an entry instead of leaving yet another draft hovering in the purgatory of computer, not quite a full thought but enough to linger aimlessly among all the other attempts I have made over the past couple months.

I guess you could say that life got in the way of my writing.  All the 'things' I find to entertain myself, all the projects I take on, all the art and jewelry I make and the pool teams I join to keep myself busy and remove my mind from those few things that I really want to do but for some reason have such a fear of even trying. 

Hiding behind a facade of strength, courage and independence who is really inside this shell...a child who was beaten down, abused by physically and emotionally by those who were supposed to love and care for her, and always fearing what was just around the corner, who was left to care for, raise and protect her younger siblings.  Just a child who was forced to grow up way too fast who never got the chance to put away the fears of being not enough so as an adult wears that mask as a shield.

How does one remove the facade and become the person they really want to be?  I am not talking about changing one's appearance, even though that could be a big part of it.  I want to know if it is possible for a person to change who they really are inside.  If so, how? 

At now 50 years old, I feel trapped.  I feel as if I am stuck in a rut, working for a company that lost it's give-a-shit for it's employees long ago and makes a point to make it very apparent on a regular basis.  I am good at what I do but my 'job' keeps me in the same internal rut.  I no longer love what I do which takes up about half of the waking hours of my life.  I feel I am wasting my life for a mere paycheck that barely covers the necessities and leaves little for anything else.  I have my art but the fear I am not good enough to live on it holds me back from pursuing it as a more full time career.  I have other ideas of things I would love to do but again that nasty fear-bug keeps rearing it's ugly head and causing me to hold back, to save what I have and not take a chance on failing and losing it all.

I think a lot of it stems from being homeless so early in life and not knowing where I would sleep or where my next meal would come from that really set a tone for how I would 'squirrel away for winter' now as an adult.  So many things that happened to create who I am today.  How does someone break free of the labels and the fears and the safety zones to do something amazing and become the successfully happy person they so wish to be?

At this point, all I have is a deep sigh and lots of question marks dancing around in my head.  I am not giving up in any way, just have to figure out how to change my direction which is  is keeping me in this rut of borderline happiness and start steering towards the things that really make me smile, bring out the true happy within me and shed the opinions of all who don't matter that I seem to allow to hold me down and build up a wall around who I really am.  Time for me to break down the walls which encase the real me and really grow and allow my true self to emerge from the dark corner it has been hiding for most of my life.  Question is...where to start?  Maybe finally getting this out of my head will be the first step in the process of changing the path I am on to point me in the direction I want to do and become the person I really want to be.

First thing to remember...just breathe.