Filling the Divots and Holes

For the past week I have been listening to a book and absolutely loving it.  Now, let me say this first, I am not a big reader or someone who listens to books all the time so for me to knock one out in a week means something.  This book, all I can say is perfect timing.  It is exactly what I needed to hear right now.  It made the past 49 years make sense and helped me see what I need to do next to better myself and get what I want.

Since I started it I caught myself thinking outside the box a lot more, trying new things I always thought were just out of reach, and getting out of my comfort zone.  I stopped finding excuses and started just doing the things that I know I love, need to do to love myself more, and focusing on what is most important right now...ME.  I have been so focused on everyone else for so long, so concerned what others thought, so afraid to rock the boat, fearing that people would think less of me if they knew who I really was that I hid behind the curtains, only allowing them to see the puppet version me that I made move by the strings of societies norms. 

It wasn't until just now that I really understood just how much of myself I have kept hidden.  Why?  Why do I really care what other people think?  Who is so damned important that their opinion of me should make me feel bad about myself.  I realized this stemmed from my childhood and that growing up in world where my mother was always spewing mean and cutting words at us as well as the pretty regular open hand or thrown object and my father made it abundantly clear he didn't want daughters.  I had been looking for their approval for so many years as a child, during those important years when our psyche is being molded, so impressionable as a piece of clay in the hands of an artist.  When those hands are hard and hurtful, they can create holes and divots instead of the solid and strong form which can allow for doubts and fears to sink in and fill the empty spaces. 

I am glad to say that this is not irreversible, just means a little more work is needed to remove those hurtful feelings of fear and doubt and fill those spaces with the power within.  Now, before I go on, now I am not blaming my parents for anything that has happened in my adult life.  I am not blaming them for the choices I made or anything else like that.  I will not give them that power over who I have become because I have made it to this point in spite of them, not because of them.  I am damn proud of where I am now and know that by making a few changes, now finding the things I need to fix and healing from within I will become an even better representation of me.  I will no longer find myself afraid to be me, giving a shit about what others think of me, fearing repercussions of removing the puppet strings and just living life to its fullest.

This book has not been the whole reason for this change in mindset but it has been another tool in my arsenal that helped me realize what I need to do, how I need to do it, and gave me ability to see my inner strengths that will propel me forward to the goals I have set for myself.  In the past few months the amazing writings I have listened to in audio books have really helped me tap into my inner warrior and given me an excitement towards the future I did not have, lit a fire for lack of a better term.  I am so ready for the next chapter of my life, having already started writing it with my new art pieces and business avenue added to my already full arsenal of beautiful things I capture and create.  Watch closely because there is so much more to come.  This is going to be an amazing year and I am excited to be able to share it with everyone. 

Next step...