These past few months have really opened my eyes to just how comfortable and secure I had become in the prison of my own design. The house which I fell in love with years ago as safe place to raise my children and grow has now become something I constantly complain about, letting it just become a cluster of memories and things that had no value to my continuing growth instead of a place I could recharge my mental and emotional self and expand my horizons. These things that once made me smile and had purpose in my world now adding to the bricks in the wall hiding me from the life I am meant to have. With every one that I remove, with every memory I release, I feel one more brick is also removed from that wall.
I had made goals for myself this year, not a resolution because we all know those get lost within a few weeks or months. One of my goals was to lose the weight that has plagued me for so long. I have done the diet of the month so many times, from Weight Watchers to Slim for Life to Atkins, even the cabbage soup diet and others raved about by skinny bitches on the internet and while I had little successes here and there, nothing really did it for me. What I did for the diet part will be the subject of another blog, but I touch on it here because what I didn't realize with all those diet gimics that I tried was that they were not finding the underlying cause of the problem. That silo-like wall I had built to save me from hurt and pain was also in the form of fat on my body. I think that mentally and emotionally I had been hurt so much in the past, not only from the death of my husband and the broken relationships in my adult life but also from my childhood, being sexually abused, first by a male babysitter my mother had hired to her boyfriends that came through the revolving door of our home and not having someone there who could save me from those hells. I think that in my mind I decided if I put on the pounds I would be safe. So, back to the goals. One of those goals was to lose at least 20 lbs by my next birthday, my big 50. I wanted to be on the path to getting my happy body back. What I have figured out though is that while I was just focusing on the weight on my body, what I had not taken into consideration is the weight of crap sitting on my soul. SO, technically in just starting with my step 1 I have lost about 100 lbs in the past few weeks. That is 100 lbs of stuff holding me back, weighing on my mind and body. I have not failed in my goal, I have met and surpassed it and as I continue down this path of release, I feel that mentally and physically I will continue to become stronger and be able to accomplish all that I set my mind to.
Here is to the next 100 pounds.
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