I am trying to figure just what part of my life needs a change and in looking at it, it seems that many areas of my life do. There are so many points of pain in my world that cause me stress and grief, exhaustion and negativity, even frustration and annoyance that I must start reevaluating what I do with my time, yes MY TIME which is all of the seconds, minutes and hours in every day I have on this earth and start utilizing those to better my life instead of worrying about and working on everyones problems except my own.
My life has become a routine of get out of bed, let out the dogs, make coffee, write in my blog while listening to purring cats (this only happens when the dogs are out), let the dogs back in (off with the cats), start working (wondering why I do this 5 days a week and seem to get nowhere for a company that doesn't appreciate me in the least little bit as has been proven by not giving me a raise in more years than my dogs have been on this earth), then depending on the day either off to the pool hall to take out some frustration on little balls by smacking them with sticks or do some art or something at home, after which depending on the time either wasting time watching the boob tube or drifting off to sleep. Wow, I just described most of my life in one very long run-on sentence. How depressing is that?
Now that I have finally started listening to the voice in my head instead of pushing it off out of fear, I have got to get started on making the changes in my world that will help me LIVE again instead of just existing in a hum-bum life that gives little joy. To begin this process, I will start by listing all the points of pain in my life, like a pros and cons list of the things I do each day and determine if they have value to add or not. From there I will make a plan of action for each that does not better my life either by fixing the issues causing problems or eliminating them all together. I am almost fifty years old (wow, I just admitted that out loud), having spent the better part of my life caring for everyone else and putting myself on the shelf to wait for a time when I could work on me. The time is now to fix that. The time to sit idly by and allow others to use me and walk all over me is no longer. Time to take back what is mine and make it work better for me.
One other thing I must do is stop feeling guilty for thinking of myself first. I am in aw of those who were able to grow up without that little guilt monster riding on their shoulder telling them how bad they are for doing something for themselves. I am sure that little monster was placed on my shoulder by my mother in all the years she was a part of my life telling me how worthless I was and how I would never amount to anything. That wears on a person, stunting the growth possibilities and making it harder to achieve success. No, I am not blaming her for where I am today. I am where I am today in spite of her and what she did and I am damn proud of it. Now I just have to squash the little guilt monster she helped build so I can achieve even more.
I am ready to live, ready to be happy in most if not all of my minutes and since no one is going to do it for me I will have to do it for myself. Time to pull up the big-girl pants and just do it. I do now need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up too as that will help guide my next steps.
Step 1...
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