#62 - Another Year

My Dearest Love,

It is Halloween again my love, another year has passed without you here.  So much has happened yet none of it seems important at this moment.  This day, though I love the season with all the decorations and spooky events, always brings back such memories of pain and sorrow.  That moment in time forever burned into my mind, playing over and over again when I think of you.  I wish I could make that last memory disappear so all I had to hold on to was the good.  It has been so hard to remove that last photo from my mind, that last time I saw you.  Somehow I was able to overlay another photo from a happier time when we were so in love, so I see that instead of your death as a first memory when I think of you.  You had such a beautiful smile.

Our children have grown into such wonderful young adults.  I know you have been able to see them too and I am sure you are as proud as I am.  It has been nice knowing you are around to see as well. They have sensed it too.  Have you seen how much both of them have taken after you with their desire to take things apart and put them back together.  Yes, they also end up with spare parts, just like you did.  It is amazing that even though you were not here physically to influence them, to show them how to do so many things, they still have so much of you in them.  It makes me smile when I see them doing things like you did.

I think I was finally able to grieve for you.  It only took 20 or so years.  Your death, losing the love of my life to such a stupid accident at such a young age I was not prepared for.  I spent so many years just trying to forget what happened, pushing it all back so I could do what I had to for the children to make sure they had all they needed, were happy and knew they were loved.  But every year I would look back and wish that I had just gotten home a few minutes sooner.  I no longer blame myself. Had to stop wondering what if.

I used to go back to the old property and sit out front staring at the place where you died.  The barn is now gone but somehow I was able to still see it. Luckily my time to mourn you finally came and now I sit on the other side of that giant ocean of tears able to see through the pain to many of the good times we had, the laughs we shared, the moments of perfect joy I get to hold onto and smile knowing those times will always be ours to share.  OK, maybe one or two more tears are still hanging around waiting to be shed.  One just decided to escape as I have been writing you.  Those now, however, are tears of remembrance, not pain.

Thank you for staying with me, with us all of these years.  Thank you for the little hints you were around, the hints of cigarette smoke in the air let me know you were here.  You have been missed very much and those moments were a comfort, and your timing was always perfect.  Also, thank you for letting me know there was nothing I could do, that it was just your time.  I understand now.

Once again as that time grows near I remember the moment in time I was forced to say good bye to my best friend, my truest love, the father of my children, my soulmate, but it will be just a little bit easier.  My heart is lighter, no longer filled with the pain of blame and fear I could have done more.  I will forever hold you in my memories and you will always hold a piece of my heart. 

Until we meet again. 

#61 - No permanent vacation yet

As millions of others, maybe billions, I am one of the many who will be returning to work (eventually, after my vacation).  Just like the rest of the suckers that wasted money buying a chance (or many chances) to become rich and quit my job, I did not win Mega Millions.  Feeling like an idiot for wasting my hard earned money on a pipe dream of a chance to win a rigged game.  How is it that magic numbers seem to be just out of reach?  How is it that the drawings are closed an hour prior to the little balls being sucked up into the magic vacuum?  Is that so they can determine which balls to pull based on what numbers weren't chosen?  Just have to ask.

Even though I am not quitting my job today, even though I must continue to work to support my dreams, I am not sad. I have the ability to continue to make my dreams a reality, even without 6 stupid numbers.  It's called drive and perseverance.  Proudly I can say that I have had no silver spoon to get me where I am.  I am not rich financially, by any means, but I am rich in other ways and feel so blessed with what I have been able to accomplish in my life so far.

One person who I am not sure will still have a job to go to is the front desk person at the Hampton by Hilton I stayed in Sunday night.  She had such a nasty attitude, horrible thing to have if you work in the hospitality industry.  I could not imagine someone being so rude in that line of work.  The night before I had also stayed in a Hampton (different city) and it was a very nice experience.  The staff there was amazingly sweet and really liked their jobs (or at least faked it well) which was why I had looked to stay at another the second night.  Little did I know that I was going to meet such a snotty brat who hated her job...or seemed like it anyway.

It appears I was not the only one who experienced her lack-of-give-a-shit attitude.  I finally got around to calling Hilton customer service today and they opened a complaint file.  Literally before I hung up with the customer service representative, the general manager of the location I had the horrible experience at was calling me.  I gave him the run down just as I had the customer service person just prior and he said he was not surprised, that he had experienced it too.

Hopefully my way home will be less exciting.  I am looking forward to a calm, relaxing drive home with maybe a few nice stops.  This trip has been a welcome relaxing and mind-releasing time.  I was definitely in need of a brain-break and hope that the drive home will be the same...with a little less construction and idiot driver stress.  One can hope anyway.

At least I was able to have a great day today.  Sun was shining, beach was perfect, I was able to visit one of my favorite stores as well as drive down the A1A and see many different beach areas.  Even found a bunch of water fowl that posed for pics.

#60 - My Dam Trip

For the past few days I have been on vacation.  Road trips are my favorites because you can see what you want, stop when you feel like it, and experience new and exciting things.  Other side of the coin is dealing with idiots across many states.  This has been no exception.  It seems that there are horrible drivers everywhere.


To remove myself from the highway of idiots I took off on a side road.  I had seen a dam off the side of the highway and decided it was a good thing to go see.  So off I went.  The high side of the dam was beautiful, with it's wildlife and glistening water with steam dancing on top.  Such a gorgeous site.  So peaceful, a nice change of pace from the rat-race that was the highway.


The other side of the damn was very different.  The loud rumble of the water rushing out of water as it was released in a gushing arc of whiteness.  Such beauty, such power.  The difference of the two sides, so close yet so far away.


Off to the next dam place.


As I continued down the highway, I took in as much of the scenery a possible, looking for another place to find beauty, another sign, another side road waiting to be investigated.  I came across my next dam sign not too far away.  This one was a little off the beaten path but had a beauty of a train arch I could enjoy as well.  It also made me a little leery.





It is not every day you see a sign like this.  This dam wasn't as nice to photograph but I did it just so I could continue my dam trip.  This is the only photo worth sharing from it as I was a little worried about getting blown up.  Best not to do that!

One of the main reasons I decided to take a trip this time of year was the colors of the trees as they change.  There is something just stunning about the change over.  The oranges and reds mixing in with the greens, browns and yellows creates a beautiful color pallet.  Absolutely peaceful blend of colors.

The last dam on my trip was another lovely one, not nearly as cool as the first but levels above the second.    The top and bottom were both quite calm.  It was small in comparison to the first two but was quite nice.

                 

And that is the end of my dam trip.  Now off to the beach part. 

#59 - Almost ready

The cool thing about being alive is that we have the ability to choose what we do. Regardless of what it is, we always have a choice.  Our choices make us unique as every person will have their own, depending on their experiences and situations.  Our lives give us the ammunition needed to weather the storms, but our soul is what gets us through.  Our determination not to fail, not to give up, not to rollover, not to settle.  Each choice is a step down a path and each path is a choice we make, but each choice, each step can be changed.  Unlike a tree, we are not rooted into one place.  We have the ability to go places and do different things and have amazing experiences. 

The choice is ours to make but we must not fear it.  Fear is something that we all have, some more than others.  It can be exhilarating or debilitating depending on how we react to it.  In many cases, our past builds our fears, things we have survived or been made to experience throws curve balls into our psyche, giving us the inability to swing for fear we will miss. These are, in many instances, the things that make many of us get up and move. 

For me, the fear of becoming stagnant is more prevalent than any other right now.  The fear of not growing, not evolving into the person I am meant to be, becoming a hermit and never getting out and trying new things or meeting new people would be like death.  I never used to feel this but in my past, the options were not there.  Now that I have gotten to a place in my life when my children are grown, my employment is stable (ok, as stable as it can be in this day in age), when the only things needing me are my pets and I have fabulous people who can help with them if I decide to jump and run for a bit, I have the freedom to go play, to go learn, to go experience, to live.

This strange time in my life is actually an amazing gift.  When I was young, I was not given this freedom.  As I am now watching my children experience their own freedom, I am excited to try it too.  Get out, experience the world, see new things, meet new people, see what life has to offer me as a next step, next path.  I am afraid but I use the fear as a motivating factor to succeed.  I have so much going on yet I am not too busy to stop and smell the roses along the path.  I have realized that making time for me is as much a requirement as eating or sleeping.  If I do not, I feel that I will cease to be me and becoming a shell of who I once was.

My next big adventure is planned, spreading my wings and flying once again in hopes of finding new things to see and experience.  Hoping to be able to open my mind and learn even more about myself.  Time to start writing my next chapter and see where this exciting experience called Life takes me.  Time to fly.

#58 - Brain Break

Have you ever caught yourself driving along in the car, windows down, hair blowing in the wind, belting out the song on the radio?  What about getting lost in thought as you walk down a path hearing only the sounds made when your feet hit the ground?  Take it even one step further, how about when sitting or walking on a beach, hearing nothing but the waves and maybe an occasional bird overhead?  Those are the moments that I love.  Those moments when you get absolutely lost in time, having not a care in the world.
 
I think that more of these moments are needed.  More time to just not think, to relax in the moment and just be.  I am hoping to find more of these moments in the coming week as I remove myself from my current situation, get away from the office and really just get back in touch with me again.  As I get older, I find that this to be more of a requirement.  My mind spins as such a crazy speed, with all the work and life events getting caught in the whirlwinds, ever intertwined making me feel exhausted a lot of the time.  Time to release those things which hold me down and soar.  Stop spinning and just blow through the trees, through the fields, stop spinning and just ride the wave of wind and see where it takes me.

To take flight like the seed of a dandelion flower, landing wherever the wind decides to slow and release me.  How wonderful a thought, a feeling of almost pure freedom, only being held by the wind.  Oh the things one could see and experience during a flight.

The nice thing is that if you learn the art of meditation or self hypnosis, you can experience these types of travels, of releases of energy, of brain breaks that really give you a sense of peace.  Personally I have been able to experience many of these in recent months, working on mastering them more and more as the effects on my body and mind are astounding.  A calming sensation that has begun to change who I am, how I react to situations, and what I truly care about.  The thought of don't sweat the small stuff come to mind often, not that I have read the book, but that the comment makes such sense in itself.  Through the use of meditation and hypnosis I see so much more as small stuff, things that don't seem to matter nearly as much to me as they have in the past.  Those things which are important held close, the rest left to float away in the wind.

Well, time to put this away for the day and go complete my last day of daily grind before a week of sheer bliss. 

#57 - Kitchen Therapy

Today I decided I needed some simple kitchen therapy. There is simple pleasure in taking ingredients and turning them into an amazing meal. The chopping of vegetables and herbs, putting them together and creating something healthy and tasty has such a rewarding outcome.  So much better than shopping therapy, for me anyway.  Not to say that shopping therapy doesn't have its positives.

On today's menu was a day of mass cooking.  My first meal though was just breakfast.  Fried a couple slices of bacon and set them aside.  After removing most of the bacon grease, I put into the same pan 3 sliced button mushrooms, some sun-dried tomatoes in oil, half a clove of garlic sliced paper thin, and 2 handfuls of baby spinach.  Once cooked down, I moved it to the top of the pan and added an egg, frying it then chopping it up and mixing it all together.  A sun-dried tomato tortilla with some thin slices of tomato basil cheese that will melt under the warm goodness.  Talk about a fantabulous way to start a day.  That and 3 cups of coffee.

Later in the day was the big cooking experience.  I setup the Pampered Chef Quick Cooker pressure cooker and prepared to see how it handled a whole 5 pound chicken.  Along side of the chicken I put a lemon sliced thin, added thyme and rosemary.  Closed the lid and made sure all the arrows were going all the right way.  Set it to 30 minutes on the Chicken/Poultry setting and hit start.  Less than an hour later I was pulling out the tongs to retrieve the chicken, so good it was falling off the bone.  Once the chicken was out, I strained the remains into a large bowl to save all the broth.  So good and so easy. 

Cleanup was a breeze, then I was ready for round 2.  Next in line for the Quick Cooker was a turkey breast, bone-in.  Cleaned and prepped, in it went with a cup of the broth from the chicken cooked earlier.  With salt and pepper and a little spray butter on top, I closed the lid, set to Chicken/Poultry setting, clock at 45 minutes and hit start.  The smell in my house was like Thanksgiving.  Clock ticking, watching the time pass and wishing it would hurry because the smell is making me want to eat.  Once it was done and the steam released, I opened the cooker and used my turkey picker utensils (bought them last year but never even opened them) to retrieve the yumminess.  Looked and smelled amazing.  Photos taken because it was just too pretty not to shoot, then sliced in.  WOW.  So moist, just like my gramma's holiday bird. 

Today was an amazing outlet, a therapeutic release of love into food.  Looking forward to another day of new recipes tomorrow and a new kitchen gadget to start saving them a little more uniform.  Tomorrow I purchase a vacuum sealer. 

#56 - Rose colored glasses

My mind seems to be racing a mile a minute, making it impossible to capture a thought long enough to write.  Wondering as I sit here if it is guilt or relief. I can't quite grasp it.  I have done nothing wrong except to be brutally honest. I allowed my true thoughts and feelings to be released into the universe but they came out sharp as knives, cutting those who were in their way.  Like a cornered dog looking for a way to escape, feeling pressured into a tiny space which was just too small to survive in lashing out at the hand reaching in and biting, drawing blood.  The hand retracts quickly, the painful bite leaving a lasting impression that will cause distrust and fear.  Neither will come out of this unscathed.

More thoughts swirling around.  Love, pain, escape, hurt, fear, honesty, confusion, clarity.  How can the brain have so much going on yet not nail down one thought.  It's as if a movie with a thousand characters is trying to be filmed and no one has a script, just characters running around aimlessly doing nothing but bumping into each other.

OK, let's ask one big question.  When you feel love for something do you actually love what it is or do you just love the concept of it?  How can you love something if you don't truly know it?  Can you love something a little or must it be wholeheartedly?  Same for people.  How can you be in love with someone without even knowing who they really are?  Know what they are made of, what is inside it, how they came to be, what they fear, what they love.  Does none of this matter?

I know that when we love something like a child or family, that is almost unconditional.  Something that we feel because of who they are to us, they are what we know and in many cases have known all our lives or theirs.  Like an extended part of ourselves.  Love just is, like a garden of wild flowers just grow because their seeds landed.  No real tending needed, just continue to grow and flourish in the sunlight and occasional rain.

But what is it about that word, Love?  There are varying degrees of love, of how we feel, of what it means to us when it is said.  When it is said, is it the feeling we love or who is making us feel it?  It seems to be thrown around so much now that it is hard to put into words the depth in which we feel what we are describing.  Why do we insist on rushing in without first looking where we are going?  Do you jump into the pool without testing the water first?  Or do you just trust that it is not too hot or too cold?  Once in, do you jump and run out as quick as possible or do you stay and hope to get used to it? 

After removing the rose colored glasses to see things how they really are, the light shines brightly on the truth, the inevitable truth that things just aren't what they seemed to be in the beginning.  How do you react?  In my situation, I tried to slow things down but it seemed that was not possible.  Guess it is easy to go from 0 to 60 in record speed but to go back down to 25 after hitting 60 apparently causes a shift bigger than one can recover from.

Time to get back on the road again and see where my journey takes me next.

#55 - Finally Me

Have you ever gotten to the end of a week and just felt compelled to do absolutely nothing?  Where the couch, a soft blanket, an old movie, and some alone-time sounded like the best medicine to cure an exhausted soul?  Well, as is evident by the fact I have not been posting daily this week, it has been one hell-of-a-week!

My timing for my comfort night in was perfect, however, because I got surprised by both of my children wanting to come have dinner with me.  The warm feelings in the house, laughter and smiles, giggles til it hurt, the perfect medicine for anything that ails.  What a perfect evening!  Talk about a battery recharge.  There seems to be nothing better than the feeling when your children WANT to come spend time with you.

The laughter continued into Saturday with bubbling laughter with friends as we dawned on our costumes and got mud-covered at the local Renaissance Festival.  We even were asked to be in photos with some of the other visitors at the festival.  What a blast it was.  The laughter never stopping until we finally parted ways.  This is what is the food of life, feeding our souls with happiness and fun. Sometimes a good rib-busting, breath taking, roll on the floor laughter is needed to clear your head and remind you what is most important, most needed in your life.  Friends and family, love and laughter.  Those are the fuel for a happy and healthy life.

Now I am wishing to have more time with friends, more time doing silly stuff with family, more time to just be me.  Time for me to figure out how to make more of this time.

Time to stop working so hard and not having time for me.  Time to make sure those I want in my world are involved in my fun time. Also time to remove the negatives in my world.  Those things that make me feel not good about myself, not good about how I spend my time, and not good about life in general.  Time to clean house! This will be the fall project, making space for my life to continue in a more positive light.



Thank you also to my palm reader at the festival for enlightening me to what I need to change.She had great messages that I knew already but neglected to see, or didn't want to see, or just kept pushing to the background in hopes it would just go away.

And last but not least, thank you to the doggie in the window for being such a sweetie, letting us pet her, and even reaching out and pawing for more lovin.

 Shout out to the dragon too, very cool, especially when it blew smoke.  

Even the Renn Potters were pretty cool.

#54 - Sorry Not Sorry

First, I am not going to blame a month for anything.  This month just happens to be a biggie, encompassing a lot anniversaries, a lot of pain, a lot of baggage.  I cannot, however, blame the month. I will simply chalk it up to dumb luck or Mother Nature.  This is, after all, the month of change.  The month when Fall takes full effect, leaves change, weather changes, decorations change...heck, even people change into something they aren't normally...ghosts, goblins and such. 

For me, this month so far has been a bit exhausting.  Part of me is looking forward to getting away and losing myself for a while.  Part of me is not sure that running away is the answer.  The rest of me just doesn't give a crap.  I must say that emotions can be messy.  Life is messy.

So...think for today I am going to explode in here and just let out a few the things that are bugging me right now.  I was once told if I wrote them on paper and burned them they would go away into the universe to take care of.  Maybe I will print this when I'm done and burn it.  Probably not the same thing but sounds warming.  Eh, here goes nothing.

Guess I might as well start off small.  Political garbage.  I am so sick of being bombarded with all the political crap, fighting, name calling, mud slinging, and on and on.  I get it on the television literally every 3-5 minutes. My postal worker has to continue to leave this crap in my mailbox so I have to throw it out.  I get random calls from idiots trying to push their political agenda on me...and as of last night, I am even getting random text messages about them.  Enough, already...seriously, enough!  Leave me the hell alone already!  I am not going to vote for you if you continue to annoy the crap out of me.  Take a hint!

Pets, let's talk pets.  Seriously people, pets are a blessing not a curse.  If you feel they are a burden, get rid of them and never get another.  If you have a dog or two and never walk them or do anything with them other than leave them in your back yard (or deck) to do whatever they do, do not get more freakin' puppies.  It's not fair to the animals and those of us who see and hear it feel you should not have pets, period!  I get so sad listening to your dogs whine and cry, and see them looking over the fence at me wishing they had someone to give them a little attention instead of leaving them outside in the rain and cold.  I don't know your situation nor do I really care anymore.  I have already seen what your dogs have done in the past so I know first hand enough to make an educated guess.  Remember?  Your negligence caused the death of one of my dogs and 2 of yours.  Please stop getting more animals, it's not fair to them!

Why does it seem some people think that when driving you must be so damn close to the other driver that you can't see the road between bumpers?  Even worse, why in the hell would you get that close to someone on a motorcycle?  Seriously people, get a freaking clue.  You are not going to get there any faster riding that close.  Back the hell off.  Oh and to ya'l who just feel you must push someone to get out of your way so you can get to the light ahead a little faster, make sure to look over next time you are sitting at a light.  I might be the one in the other car clapping my hands and cheerfully saying 'you win'.  Feel like a moron now? 

One more then I will quit for the day...in here anyway.  If you have a job you just don't care enough to do right, why do you stay?  If you have no desire to be there, if you are having to be told over and over and over again because you keep screwing things up and you have no real desire to fix the problem and start get it right, why don't you just quit?  Seriously, I am sure there are many people out there who would love to have your job, to earn money, and will be glad to get it right.  There is no need for you to continue to torture yourself and annoy those of us having to clean up after you.  Just go on your merry way and find something you want to do enough to get it right already.  We won't miss you, promise. 

OK, with that I will stop.  I doubt that my rant will do anything to bring about change but it feels good to just get it all out.  I am sure that some who read this will go, 'wow, someone else thinks that too' or 'damn, she's nuts', neither of which I care, honestly.  Guess I shouldn't use honestly because according to Dr. Phil, if you say honestly in a sentence, you are not telling the truth. Hmmm, ponder that a while.  So I will just leave you with one more little thing to keep in mind.  The next time you hear a southern girl say 'bless your heart' or anything of that nature, you need to sit back and thing a minute...because it could mean one of two things.  It's either sincere expression of sympathy or genuine concern OR we are calling you an idiot and you have no clue because we were being polite. 

In the genius words of Deadpool, "Sorry, not sorry."

#53 - Be your own motivation

Have you got something you are wanting to work on to better yourself?  Are you in school or trying to learn new things?  Maybe you are starting a new business and just getting started?  Or perhaps you are planning to participate in a marathon, or move to a new city, or just do something exciting you have not done before.  It could also be starting a new chapter in your life.  Maybe ending a relationship that was not working.  What about even something like planning to start a new habit, like writing daily or meditation or exercise?

With all of these things, we have to find the motivation to do them.  This motivation can come from internal or external sources but for something to really work, you have to want it to work.  If you don't have the self-motivation, you will just be spinning your wheels until the experience gets to tiring or exhausting or you just don't like it and then you will quit.  

The initial motivation for something is critical.  You have to have good reasons, justifications that inspire yourself.  The reason you are wanting to do something, like losing a lot of weight or recreating yourself in your career or climbing a mountain, is going to be the inspiring vision you have for yourself completing the task. No one else is going to benefit from you making this goal or reaching the top.  You must want to do this for you.  

You must work on the psychology of why do you need to make these changes, what is really the motivating factor behind what I am wanting to do?  Find a vision, the picture of where you want to be, what you want to look like at the end of your journey.  You must want to really do it tho.  You cannot or should not use another person as your motivation.  You have to want to change for you or you will never truly succeed in what you are wanting to do.  

Just recently I had a chapter in my life come to an end.  It was a short chapter but I learned a lot about myself.  During that time I was asked to make a joint effort to do something to better ourselves, to lose weight.  I have found in the past that to accomplish something having an accountability partner is a great way to do it.  Being able to celebrate the successes and work towards a goal together is a great way to do it.  I was not only happy with the experience but excited about the outcome.  

Apparently I was the only one who had the motivation to do this, as I was actually told.  The other lacked the motivation to continue.  Not long after that, the entire foundation of the relationship crumbled.  One of the things that was said was that there was no motivation to make the change.  Now that the end of the partnership has arrived, he now says he has found the motivation.  How is that a healthy motivating factor?  I hope it will work for him however I cannot feel that is healthy.  

If you have no motivation inside yourself, you will not succeed in the long run of reaching and continuing to stay at your goal.  You have to find it in yourself to want to do it or it is just another hill you will reach and then slip back down again.  You must be your own motivation to succeed.

#52 - Flying in my car

As I was preparing to leave yesterday morning, putting all my items in the car and almost ready, I had to run back in to get 1 more thing.  Just as I started to exit the house again Mother Nature decided to open up and let her voice be heard.  You guessed it, it was pouring.  I locked the house and asked real quick, 'can you stop pouring for 30 seconds so I can get into my car without being soaked?'

Apparently she heard me because I had a brief window in which to get into the car.  As I shut the door, all hell broke loose again.  I got lucky, so I thought.  Now I had to drive in this.  Not a quick jaunt to the store, but almost 3 hours to a meeting.  I got this, no problem I thought to myself and off I went.  Little did I know.

A handful of miles down the road and my car decided it was not happy with the current dashboard display and wanted to add more color.  I am at this point intensely paying close attention to the road, hands tightly gripping the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles on each hand were almost white.  A glowing light resembling an upside-down horseshoe with a serrated bottom appeared right next to a yellow box with a little 'i' inside.  Oh joy...I know this one.  One of my tires is low.  Well, I am going to just have to cross my fingers and hope that it's not too low because there is not a thing I can do with it in the middle of nowhere Kansas on a highway that appears to be flooding in front of my eyes.  Think positive, will it to stay up, that's what I will do.

I had planned to listen to another one of my audio books but due to the rain that just seemed to be more like someone opened a hose the size of a semi right in front of my car, I needed to concentrate on driving and would probably not even hear the words being read to me.  So I turned on the tunes an began singing to myself.  Luckily the phone rang.  My friend saved my sanity for a little bit.

Talked for a little while and then realized that the rain was steadily getting even worse.  Now, not only did it seem like a semi-sized hose was spewing rainwater at my car but it seemed to be flooding the roads and my tiny little car was now becoming more hovercraft than car.  To top that off, my car decided once again that the dash needed more color.  This time, however, it wanted to be amusing and make the next one blink on then off at random intervals.  As it did this I noticed that my car appeared to be more hovering than rolling along on the tires.  You guessed it.  My new blinking light was a car with a slight twist and squiggly lines below it.  I'm essentially flying, just great.

This went on for almost 30 minutes, getting worse then settling a bit.  My little car doing all it could to stay down on the road as I kept going.  Having to drop my speeds down, at some points to under half the speed limit and still struggling.  Holy hell had opened up on the road in front of me and all I kept asking myself was, 'do I really need to go to this meeting?'  I can't even remember how many times I kept thinking, 'there's an exit ramp...get off and turn around and go home.  This is insane.'.  But I kept going, finally getting past the worst of it.  

Once again I realized just how much I truly LOVE my car.  This is the second one I have had and I am a believer...these adorable little Subaru Outbacks really are life savers.  I didn't wreck, partially because of my driving abilities, partially because I was paying attention and not doing stupid crap while driving, and the rest I will give to my Subaru for being an amazing little car with safety features that really do what they are supposed to do.  My first was in 2 accidents with very, VERY large deer causing thousands in damage yet I never felt a thing, except the ding to my wallet when it came time to the deductible.  My car did it's job.  Got me and my passengers from point A to B safely, comfortably, and without worry.  I even got more in trade-in than I owed...after 2 accidents!!!

I will forever be a Subaru owner.  I can now add wings to the stickers on my car as it has now flown and successfully landed. 

NOTE:  I am not getting paid for this, this is not an advertisement, however if Subaru would like to they may, I would gladly accept and put it towards my next Subaru.  LOL

#51 - My Mini-Me Trip

Have you ever gone into such a deep trance or hypnosis that you go back in time?  Yesterday in my second float therapy session I had the most amazing experience.  I am pretty sure based on the redness of my eyes that I even cried during it.  It was such an eye-opening experience, tugging at every string between my heart and mind and it gave me such peace.  I am still feeling a little beside myself from it...almost literally.

As I prepared for my float, my mind was in such a state of disarray, such clutter, so many emotions flying around inside my heart and head it was hard to stop thinking and relax.  This week has been an overload and I just felt I was losing myself completely in the chaos.  So as I laid down in the pool, I told myself to let go and remember my best piece of advice, the one that gets me through everything.  "Breathe.  That is all that is required of you because everything else is optional.  Just breathe!"

Dim blue pin-lights in the ceiling, salt water glistening below, warm and inviting pool of blissfulness  soon to become complete silence and darkness. This has become my new happy place away from home.  Feels about as close to floating in the ocean as one can get without being there.  My mind bringing to the party the sounds and smells of the beach, gulls squawking overhead, waves slapping the shore, and the air so fresh and light.  Almost home.  My mind lets go.  Relax.  Peace.

A hand reaches out and grabs mine, holding it ever so tight, firm but loving.  I know this hand, this feeling, this touch.  I have missed this hand so much over the years.  No words are needed.  My husband is with me again, holding my hand through this journey.  Another is there too.  The warmth of another embraces my other hand.  My Gramma, lost a year after my husband.  My two favorite people are here.  I hear my heart beat speed up, then slow, breathing deep, in then out.  They hold my hands as I watch myself at the tender age of 4 running and playing, so happy, not a care in the world.  Just breathe.  Stay in the moment.  Stay.  Maybe this will last forever.  Such peace.

The lights came back on and I emerged as if having been reborn.  So at peace with what happened, in awe of it all really.  I cannot fully comprehend the message given to me during this experience enough to put into words.  All I know is the sense of peace I came back with is unmistakable.  It was an emotional explosion like no other.  My eyes so red as if I had cried for days, my heart so full and yet light as a feather.  I understand yet am still grasping, wanting to hold on just a little longer.  All I can do is look forward, take another step, a leap of faith that there will be ground to land on.  Eyes open looking to the future, heart and mind finally feeling the connection, ready to explore what comes.  My inner-child reminding me that its fun to run and laugh and play.  My first true love watching over me and never leaving my side.  Gramma, the closest thing to a real mother I ever experienced, always with me helping to guide me.  The message is so clear. 

Step 1.

#50 - Dear Fall,

Welcome to 2018.  I know you are just getting started with your time in our calendar this year but I have a request.  Would it be possible for you to nail down your weather a little, maybe hit is with a little more cold so we can get rid of all the bugs? It seems like your constant bouncing from hot to cold to warm to cool to rainy to dry, even tossing in a random hurricane or tornado and snow storm, depending on where we live.  Is this a bi-polar month for you?  Do you need your medication adjusted to compensate?

It seems that the summer bugs are continuing.  We now have house-flies the size of nickles and mosquitoes the size of dimes, both seeming to be increasing in numbers exponentially. I am not sure about everyone else, but I have had my fill.  I am really over the summer bug situation.  Just saying.

How about the size of the spiders this time of year.  It seems they are getting close to the size of saucers or small plates.  Huge is an understatement and more of us are being trained abruptly in karate, the spiderweb version, getting our initiations into the art when we have walked into a web and begun flailing our limbs around in what mimics a seizure, luckily needing no medical attention.  That is unless we are one of the clumsy ones who trip over something or fall into something causing even more problems.

Maybe that is where you get your name...Fall.  I always thought it was because this time of year the temperatures 'fall' and the leaves on the trees change color and 'fall'.  But maybe it is called 'fall' because you are making fun of what we do because of you.  Falling because of spiderwebs and other big bugs, because of how slippery sidewalks get with wet leaves on them, and falling victim to the weather in one form or another.  Is that the reason you were named Fall?  Was it out of sarcastic humor?

Well, whatever the reason for your name, I am asking this year that you just let us go gently from scalding hot to comfortably cooler, no more bouncing around all over the thermostat.  Enough is enough.  We are ready to happily transition into just a steady calm temperature, high 60's to low 70's will be ideal for daytime and 50's to 60's for night will be perfect for sleeping with the windows open.

If you do need a refill on your prescription, please let me know as I would be glad to run an errand for you if that's all it will take to calm your ass down.

Sincerely,

 Kansas Spiderweb Karate Master

Time - #49

"Time is free, but it's priceless.  You can't own it, but you can use it.  You can't keep it, but you can spend it.  Once you've lost it you can never get it back." I'm not 100% sure who's quote this is.

Makes so much sense, doesn't it?  We have 1440 minutes in a day and 525,600 minutes in every year.  What do we actually do with all those minutes?  How many are wasted on trivial crap?  I know it seems like I waste a whole lot of them with not much clue what I am doing.  Sure am not progressing towards any goal, or so it seems.

Those minutes I do get to share with my family, especially my children and my in-laws, are those I cherish most.  I will gladly give them all the time I have to be able to make more memories I can hold on to. I am lucky though, that I still have time to share with them.  Every day I selfishly wish for more years, more time to be able to say the little things that mean so much, do things that they will remember, make memories that will stay with them through their lives.

I look back on my life, my short 49 years and see all those minutes I was able to share with loved ones making movies that play over in my mind.  Little snip-its of times long since past that helped shape who I am today.  Not all were good, but those I hold onto the most, those I look back for as lessons, even those that bring tears, they are how I became the me I am today.

I feel lucky.  For many years I felt nothing but pain yet I still feel lucky.  Lucky to have had years with my Gramma who was the most positive influence in the early part of my life.  From her I learned that you are never to old to go after what you want.  That life does not always give you what you want, but it gives you what you need.  That even though times are hard, you can still find a reason to smile.  My Gramma was an amazing woman who, in her 50's got her nursing degree after being married to a not-so-nice man who belittled her over and over. A man who she finally broke free of late in life which enabled her to find happiness, both in herself and with another.  Having her as a role model was such a blessing.

I also feel lucky to have had 2 of the most amazing children any mother could have.  I would like to think that every mother feels that way of her children but for those who don't, I feel sadness.  My children also helped shape who I am today. I can surely credit them for at least a few of the grey hairs now residing on my head.  They have given me many moments of fear and worry but more of happiness and joy.  Even now we still find little moments from our past that will cause random bursts of humor, the rib-busting type of memory that you can't help but laugh out loud at.  Luckily more of those moments held onto hold happiness and smiles.

Looking towards the future, wondering what I will do with all my future minutes, I have to take one or two to really look at what my current path is holding.  Will this path I am on continue to bring me moments I can look back at and smile or laugh or be proud of?  Is this the plan for me? Is this what I want to continue doing? Will this make me happy, bring joy into others lives, make my children proud?  Of these and many other questions, I am going to need more minutes to ponder.

For now, I will continue to make amazing snip-its with those I love and cherish every one as if it was my last.  I may not get rich monetarily from this but I will in be rich in happy memories that will last a life time.

Goal:  Make every minute count for something good.