A moment in time - Day 19

Sit here with me for a moment or two and let's just be.  What do you hear?  What do you see when you close your eyes?  What smell is in the air where you are?  Are there a million things running through your head right now causing you to miss out on those little things? 

In the past when I thought about meditation, my mind typically ran to things like, "what a waste of time", "I have too much to do to just sit here and do nothing", "how can someone sit and not think about anything?"  Now that I have learned how, I think more along the lines of how much time I wasted not knowing how to properly meditate.  How many moments in time I missed out on and how much clearer I see now than I did before?  It is amazing how I feel and think clearer now that I have learned how to use this simple, yet powerful tool that we all have yet many simply ignore.

For me, sitting in a room with my legs crossed, hands on knees, fingers touching...that's just not my style.  I do not find it comfortable and I cannot meditate at all because all I focus on is how miserable I am trying to do this.  Failing before I even get started.  I also have not learned to meditate for long periods without the help of a hypnosis or meditation audio playing to help me focus.  I hope to someday be able to but as with almost everything, it takes practice. 

What I have found is that when I am feeling stressed or out of control, which, anyone knowing me knows is definitely not something I like very much, I will close my eyes and think one simple thought.  Just breathe...everything else is optional.  I read that somewhere a very long time ago and it has helped me through so many moments when I wasn't sure I would make it.  Moments when I thought, this is it, all I can handle.  Those points where I thought I had hit my final straw.  When I just want to give up.  Just Breathe!

Such a powerful reminder.  Really, what else is required in life.  Without breath, there is nothing else and luckily our bodies just do it without us having to think about doing it.  If you just sit and thinking about each breath, taking a breath in through your nose, deep, filling your lungs to capacity and hold for 2 seconds, then let it out through your mouth, pushing all the air out until you feel there is none left, then doing it again...in and out, you will find that you are no longer focusing on the thousands of other little, and sometimes trivial thoughts that plague our minds.  I call these mini-meditations my 'brain breaks'.  Those simple moments where I think of nothing else to allow my mind to focus on only one thing.  It truly reins in my thoughts and helps me to focus on a single moment in time. 

So, in those moments when you hit your wits end, you run into that mental brick wall or you see rock bottom coming close, just stop...close your eyes...and just breathe.  Allow yourself to take those mini mental vacations to far away places.  Maybe in your mind you go sit on a beach and put your toes in the sand and hear nothing but the waves rolling in and out.  Maybe you go to a mountain top and hear nothing but the wind flowing though the trees.  Help your mind see clearly what you really have to do.  The rest will fall into place and you will see clearer the path you are needing to take. 

Ready?  Just breathe!

Wake-up Call - Day 18

The phone rang at 4:53 this morning and a loving yet apologetic voice on the other end needed me.  No one was hurt, not a huge emergency, just a silly oops we have all done at least once had occurred causing an inconvenience in his morning.  Of course I would help, I said, I would be there shortly.  Since this was not a 'real'emergency, shortly meant after I got a few things done... let the dogs out and made a cup of coffee to go.

I poured myself into the car, key in the ignition, power, lights, and off I went to help, still not quite awake.  As I drove down the highway, I saw off in the distance a beautiful storm brewing.  The sky was constantly lighting up with one strike after another, illuminating the dark clouds in front of it showing only glimpses of what was to come.  The storm would be one of many seen in my lifetime yet, on this early morning, it was the most beautiful.  The bolts seeming to dance from cloud to cloud like a ball being thrown back and forth.

Playing on the radio was a song that just seemed to fit this beautiful morning.  Time in a bottle...who keeps time in a bottle.  Wait, listen to the lyrics.  "There never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do once you find them."  This is so true.  Putting the two together this morning, the storm and the song, they just seemed to paint a picture I needed to see today.  One that would cause a pause in my thought process.  Time would stop even if only for a brief moment allowing me to see clearer than I ever have before.

Wake-up call?  Exactly.  That was it.  "Everything happens for a reason", I say constantly, and this was no different.  This was the moment of clarity that I had been searching for.  The light bulb moment that could change my future, alter my reality, give new meaning to everything I do going forward.  A life is much like the bolts of lightning in a storm, bouncing from cloud to cloud, illuminating patches of sky as we go but never seeming to stop until all the power has run out, and then, like the storm, we fizzle out.  Kind of cool and yet sad too.  The question here, have you left enough light to be remembered.  Did you share moments of awe and excitement of beauty or were you destructive and leave a wake of pain and sorrow behind?

Now looking back at my many bounces I see that, at least I believe, I am still bouncing with beauty and awe.  One of my goals now is to continue to do so, making ever more sure not to leave a destructive path behind. Yet another goal will be to make sure every bounce is a big one, leaving no time wasted and doing the things I want now that I have found them.  Living life to its fullest and experiencing as much joy as I can, sharing it with others as well so I can leave memories of my light behind when my storm ends, leaving also new growth and beauty.  I'm awake now, eyes open and seeing clearer than ever before.

Next bounce.

Day 17 - Not enough coffee for this day!

This morning I sit here two hours later than I have been doing my writing, still a little unsettled about last night's events.  Disturbed by what happened but comforted in knowing that I wasn't really alone.

Have you ever had a feeling you were not alone, yet you were the only one in the room?  Ever have the hairs stand on the back of your neck or arms or get goose bumps for no reason?  Well, let's just say that we aren't as alone as we think. I was reminded of this last night as I was uneasily checking and rechecking the doors of my house due to someone trying to gain entry into my space early in the evening. Not a comforting feeling at all to know that the bad out in the world tried to come into my space. 

So, to explain why I am seeming to ramble this morning, first I blame not enough coffee.  I am on cup 2 and feeling this will be more like a 2 pot type of day.  Last night as I was sitting in my living room, a little later than normal but not by much, just 20 minutes or so, almost but not quite ready for bed, my dogs started barking defensively at the front door of my home.  This normally happens when someone is at my door and makes noise, either knocking or unlocking the door to get in.  That is, after all, their job.  To protect their home and their pack. 

The problem, you see, is no one was knocking on the door.  That I would have heard, and since those who had keys were not unlocking it, the dogs defending the home was warranted.  The motion light aimed strategically at my door knob was lit up.  Why?  This should not be happening.  But it was.  Someone was trying to turn the knob of my door, for what reason I dared not imagine.

All at once a rush of emotions filled me: fear, anger, uncertainty, rage.  I was scared at first that someone was trying to get into my home.  I was angry at myself for not hearing when it happened, had not even heard their steps on my porch.  I was enraged that someone thought it was OK to do this.  Then the overwhelming need to protect me and mine came over me like a bucket of warm water was poured overhead causing me to grab the closest gun I could and rack it filling the room with the powerfully loud slide and click as a massive load of buckshot entered the chamber.  Knowing I was capable of doing what I needed to protect myself yet hoping I would not have to.  This pissed me off even more.  Looking back on it now, it was as if I was being controlled by someone outside of my home, someone I don't even know, who is making me feel all those emotions and do things outside of my normal routine.  I was boiling mad that someone had this control over me.  My instincts were pushing me to get back in control quickly.  No time to waste.

With a gun in one hand, I used the other to peak out the curtain on the front door. I didn't see anyone out there but the dogs were still barking.  I felt uneasy.  I grabbed my cell and dialed the number for the police station, all 7 digits instead of 911.  My mind going in so many directions. I actually dialed the full phone number for the local police department, a number I had apparently memorized long ago.  I spoke to the dispatcher explaining my situation and she said she would send out patrols immediately.  I paced nervously, shotgun in one hand and cell phone in the other, hoping not to hear anything else yet expecting all hell to break loose.

Then the knock.  Looking at the door I could see eyes behind glasses peering over the curtain (must remember to raise the curtain).  In those eyes I could sense protection and I was not afraid.  The gentleman waved a hand as if to say he was here to help.  Still startled, I peeked through the curtain and saw the badge and uniform.  I motioned him to hold on, put the gun down, unlocked the deadbolt and the handle lock and opened the door. Greeting the officer with a sigh of relief, I walked out on the porch to discuss what had happened.  After seeing the porch, seeing what it would take to make the motion light turn on, he agreed there had to have been someone at the door, probably trying the knob to see if it was unlocked.  As we spoke, he jotted down notes and explained he and another patrol had searching the area around my home before he got there but had not found anyone yet.  He mentioned there had been other burglary attempts in the area in recent days but they thought they had caught the perpetrators.  As we finished talking he said they would be making extra patrols around the area overnight.  I thanked him and went back in, locked everything back up, grabbed my guns, and headed into the safety of my home. 

Around 2:30 in the morning a feeling I cannot explain startled me, waking me from the uncomfortable rest-like state I had been in on the couch. I had apparently nodded off sometime earlier and now felt very uneasy again, but it was different this time.  It's kind of hard to describe.  The feeling of knowing something bad had happened yet not being afraid because someone is there to keep you safe.  But wait...I was alone.  Yes the dogs were there with me, big teeth and loud barking are great protection, but they had not given me the feeling I now had.  That feeling of comfort, that everything is going to be OK.  I did not feel the need to grab a gun or phone as I walked to the front door and peeked out.  The porch was dark, almost a blackness with a little glow from the street light down the block.  An instant later there was a glow, something had triggered the motion sensor on the light yet this time even though I could see nothing there, I wasn't afraid.  It was as if someone had placed a blanket on my shoulders and held me tight. I knew all would be fine and I could go rest now.  The house was quiet.  There was no stress  There was no fear.  I climbed the stairs and headed to my room.

I am comforted in the knowledge that those with me always watch over me.  Even as I sit here thinking over the hours of insanity that was my night I know I was never really alone. I have been blessed in this life to have had so many amazing people love me over the years and I take solace in the knowledge they are never truly gone, even after their bodies have become earth, they are here to help, guide and protect us always.  Thank you all.

Blessed be.

Day 16 - Decluttering

Here I sit writing on the 16th day of my new routine loving every minute of this.  I have forgotten to do a few of the other things I'm supposed to and I will eventually add them back to my power hour but for right now I am really enjoying my morning writing time.  I forgot how much I truly love to write as it seemed for so long I could not get the words to flow but now it seems they are, pouring out like blood from a vein.  Morbid I know, but the thought comes from a quote I read years ago, I believe from a new reporter Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith who was asked if writing a daily column was hard..."Why, no," he said.  "You simply sit down at the typewriter, Open your veins, and bleed."  Some form of that quote always stuck with me as it felt so true.

When I was young, I wrote poetry.  Very dark poetry, the kind that makes a person reading it wonder if suicide was in my future.  It wasn't, I just lived a very dark life back then so I wrote from my soul, trying to leave my pain on the page.  I even wrote a couple plays, one for a class in college, to which my instructor gave me a "D" because he said, 'it's not funny.'  Well, a play about a dead person looking back at the lives they ruined when they were alive was not supposed to be 'funny.'  I put my pen away for many years and let my creative juices flow in different ways.

Now as I sit here with a new vein opened, I remember how much I truly love this.  It's kind of like a way of decluttering the mind.  Getting all the thoughts out, feelings pushed aside, and stories are ready to flow again.  Maybe my stories will finally be a little lighter, maybe.  Or maybe I will write to help others know that the darker side is not permanent, the sun does rise again to bring new light where it felt only dark existed.

I have a story to tell and I no longer have to fear sharing it.

Day 15 - Full Moon Monday

What scares you?  I know that's a loaded question but we seem all seem to have a few things that scare us.  For me, top of my list right now is spiders.  Not that I am afraid of being bit or eaten by them, although that could happen since I react to bug bite venom differently...takes me forever to heal from bug bites.  Chigger bites can take up to 2 months to heal.  It kind of stinks, but I digress.

My fear about spiders is more them getting on me, me getting too close.  They are creepy, in a magnificent way.  "Wait, what?: you ask.  Yes, I said that.  I love to look at them, love to photograph them, however I have to walk away at times and shake uncontrollably to get the heebie-jeebies out of me.  This also happens with other bugs, I'm not a fan of any of them really, but spiders take top of my list for icky things I fear.

I am sure if I sat here and thought about it I could list a few other things that scare me.  Severe heights, not really...clowns, no they are just icky...being bit by a shark when swimming in an ocean, nope.  I have fears of things but what I try not to let happen, is my fears stopping me from living.

I think my greatest fear now is being so afraid of things that living, growing, doing things stops and I hide in fear.  I spent many years doing this exact thing, in a sense.  No, I didn't hide in my house and refuse to go outside.  I was going to work, raising my children, paying my bills, doing the daily tasks that I was required to do.  I was even taking my children on vacations and making sure they were happy and enjoying their childhood.  I hid inside myself, not allowing the true me out again for fear I would not survive another pain like I had when I was 28 again.  I went numb.

Let me explain a bit deeper here as I am sure you are scratching your head wondering what side road  have ventured onto.  My childhood sucked to say the least.  Being raised by an abusive alcoholic for a mother and a father that was too busy being single and making a good life for himself to have children, I ended up raising my two siblings and trying to take the brunt of the physical abuse from our mother.  From the tender age of 6 to about 15, I fell into the category of an abused child.

Since abuse was normal, marrying someone who was just like her was not a stretch. From what I have read and learned over the years, this is pretty common.  So enter abused spouse from 20 - 28.  The little break in between was when I was homeless and living with my soon to be abusive spouse, before I knew about who he really was.  Life had not been easy but I didn't really know anything different.  I survived.

When he passed away, however, I moved into a new category - widow, a stage that was foreign to me. This was a category that I only knew my grandmother and others much older to be in.  That was not something a young mother should be in but there I was.  I shut down anything resembling a heart and went on auto-pilot.

OK...dove a bit deeper into that than planned.  Let's see if I can steer this ship back on course a bit.  In the many years since that happened, I tried dating.  I tried being in relationships.  I wanted to "love" again.  I even had those 3 little words leave my lips but something always seemed to be missing, to not be whole.  Fear of loving again with the main fear being hurt again.  After all, for me, love equaled pain. I know, not all love is like that, but what had been ingrained in mind from such a young age was just that.  It has taken many years of soul searching and the deep thought to make me realize that what I was trained to recognize as love was nothing like it should have been.

So a few years ago, I learned the true meaning of love, and the person I learned to love was me.  I found that in order to truly love another, I would first have to learn to love who I am, be comfortable with who I am, then and only then would I be able to feel and understand real love.  Now, finally, I understand.  Finally, I can love another and really feel the love back.  Not through a fist or an angry word, but that warm, touch your heart deep inside type of feeling that surrounds you like a blanket.

Love, painful no longer.

Full moon sleep in - Day 14

The moon, what a gorgeous ball of light in the sky.  When it is full, life seems to take weird turns and twists. Tides get higher and animals act a little stranger, including people. 

Me, I love the full moon, to be able to take my camera out and capture photos of it in all its beauty.  It is, for me, magnetic.  I feel pulled to it.  Last night was no exception as I grabbed my camera and my boyfriend to setup off to chase the moon.  My camera decided to have a mind of it's own last night tho and refused to take the photos I was wanting.  I did get an amazing abstract photo of light trails tho that I have shared here.  I really love how light plays in the darkness. 

For me the moon is not only something to shoot but it also has meaning in my beliefs as well.  Tapping more into my inner self and using the full moon to shine light on things that need to be fixed in my life and release the negative blockages that may be holding me back from reaching my full potential or blocking a new path.  It helps me open new doors to healing and giving energy to positive pathways.

During this time it is also best to bathe crystals in the light of the moon to reenergizer them, strengthening them again as we pull their energies when they are used.  The power of the moon is intense and adding it back to the stones of earth to reuse during the next cycle allow us to be able to recharge as well.  Those who believe in the healing powers of crystals and earthly objects do this every month.

Whatever your beliefs are, you cannot ignore the power the moon holds on us.  Enjoy its beauty, utilize its light, bask in its power and have a magical day.  Blessed be.

Day 13 - Not So Early Rise

So, what I have found is that when I go to bed seriously early on day 13, like 1:30 in the morning, the possibility of me waking up and rising early is pushed out a bit to more like, not so early.  Oh well, one can't be perfect at everything they do. 

I did wake up with a happy feeling knowing I do not have to work today so that is a plus.  No day job today or any day for the next two weeks.  I am so beside myself about the fact that the only computer I will be looking at is my personal one to write, to review photos, to just play instead of the day-to-day grind which I do during the week.  I will be able to focus more on me, what I want to accomplish, and hopefully will see some changes in the coming 2 weeks.  What kind, you ask?

It's time to declutter my home and my mind. I will be removing all things that I have not touched or used in a year or more.  I will be focusing on removing those things that in the past have held me still instead of letting me roam, those things that stopped me from living.  Those little trinkets or items we are given or hold some meaning to our past.  In my case many things that I gathered with grand ideas of making something out of them only to just put them on a shelf and let them gather dust and take up space in my world that I could otherwise be using to better myself, free my mind, and feel good. 

It seems in my case that my not having things when I was little, my almost losing everything when my husband died compiled with my need to create beautiful things in my world compounded to a room full of things I don't do anything with.  My goal is to fix this.  Mentally I am ready to remove the items.  They no longer have hold of me in a way they did before.  Now will be my release of those things to lighten my world. This will make space for the new me.  Chapter 50, I guess, if we had to put a number to it will work since I will be reaching age in under a year.  To put myself in a better place mentally, physically, and emotionally by that day is something I am striving to do and I see myself making that goal, possibly with time to spare. 

Looking back I see I have had so many chapters of not so positive things written in my story so far but I always try to find the positive side.  I won't dive into those negatives as I don't feel they need to be focused on here...maybe some day I will write an autobiography, probably not tho.  When I look back, those moments of pain and hardship that I see are all the hurdles I overcame to get where I am today and I would not change even one.  I used to daydream of how things could have been different but I bring myself back to the realization that I like who I have become and I would not be who I am if not for those things I went through.  The what-if game is just that.  You can't change the past so why think what if it was different.  The only thing you can do is learn from the past and continue to take steps forward to not recreate those things you did not like about your past. 

One step forward, even if only a baby-step, is still a step in the right direction. 

Day 12 - Relax and Unwind

I know, I know, I really need to think about dropping the day counts in the titles of my postings but for now they are still carrying the weight of the amount of consecutive days I have been writing and honestly, I kind of like that.  I am creating a habit that I truly enjoy and the day count enforces that feeling of accomplishment. I think that it is important to recognize and respond to the little positives through out the day.

Another positive that I experienced yesterday was the amazing works of a friend and my go-to massage therapist, Jessica.  The art of massage is something that takes years of training and practice to master, I think, and when you find someone who really has mastered it, you follow them wherever their practice leads them.  The body, made up of organs, muscles, skin and bones has many different ways to let you know things are out-of-wack, for a lack of a better turn.  Massage helps to remind the body to relax, let go of the stress, and maintain a balance, allowing you to feel better, move better, and relax deeper. 

Along with massage, I have been using hypnosis or deep meditation to help me relax and focus deeper within myself conscience these past couple weeks.  It really helps me to focus less on things that don't really matter and push my mind to the more positive things, the helpful things, and release the rest of the negatives in my daily life.  Wow, just imagine not having any negatives. Oh they will still be there but you will look right past them or only focus on the positives surrounding them. 

Personally I feel that focusing on the positives, focusing on what is good, helps one see more good.  Consider this.  When you walk along a beach, hearing the waves as they roll in and out, seeing the seagulls as they fly over head, watching the occasional pelican fly just over the water, feeling the cool sand under your feel, feeling the waves roll over you toes, do you think of any negatives? 

Training your mind to find the positive side of things is not something that comes as naturally to some as others.  Especially when we are constantly bombarded with the negatives.  Turn on the TV and what do you see?  The news is almost always bad, the commercials are focused on ailments and drugs, even some of the dramas we watch are of murder and pain...and these are what we call entertainment.  We are constantly watching and focusing on negative.  So taking a moment to find the positive, relax, breathe deep and let the universe know you want to see the hummingbirds as they drink from a feeder, watch a group of dragonflies as they dance in the air eating, find animal shapes in the big puffy white clouds that bob overhead on a warm summer's day.  Find the positive in every moment of your life.  Find your happy.

Day 11 - 5 minutes late

The old saying 'A picture is worth a thousand words' comes to mind this morning as I sit here with pictures of lots of things going through my head.  Experiences, feelings, emotions about places I have been, people I have met and things I have done.

As I look back through old photos I have taken, I notice that with some I feel different than I used to.  In fact, I don't see them as I did before, maybe because I now have different experiences than I did then.  Life is different than it used to be.  I am in a different mental place.

Explain, you say?  OK, here goes.

The photo below I took about 5 years ago.  I was with a group of other people who, like me, love photography.  The place we were visiting was a harsh place, one where people went when they had done horrible and unspeakable things.  It was an abandoned prison.  It was a cold and uneasy feeling place with colorless buildings, relics from the past when the men who were forced to live here knew they would only leave thru death.  The fence lines were all topped with the harshest of barbed and razor wire eliminating any way to escape. 

When you see this photo, do you see the barbs?  Do you see the inmates who were forever locked away? Do you see the harshness? Or...do you allow yourself to notice the sky behind in it beautiful blue with puffy whiteness?  Do you see the heart-shapes made from those lines of wire?   Do you allow your mind to wander, hoping to find the beauty in even the harshest of things?  I think that is what I was hoping when I first took this photo.  I knew where I was physically, but looking back I see that I felt there mentally and emotionally as well.  I was not where I wanted to be but in a way, I was where I was supposed to be at the time.  Back then, I just saw the hearts instead of just sharp wires. The artist in me loved the contrast of the stark blackness to the delicate blues and whites. 

Now, not only do I see the hearts but I also see the top too lines as having indications of heartbeats within it, almost playing on the hearts below signifying something living in the photo...compassion, love perhaps?

The beauty of growing older is we have more experiences with which to review and learn from.  Those experiences ever changing who we are and how we see and feel things in or present.  The challenge is not being limited by those things we 'see' and allowing ourselves to also feel and imagine. 

Challenge accepted!

Double digit day! - Day 10

Wow, have I really been waking up early for now 10 days?  Technically this would be my 9th day of getting up around 5 AM but if you count hours of sleep, then it is day 10.  Still impressive to me is that each day my mind knows what time the clock is reading and just wakes up.  This morning in particular, I vividly recall a point when I rolled over and in my mind I could hear "it's time to get up, it's almost 5."  I opened my eyes, tapped on my watch and to my amazement, my mind was right.  4:55 AM was the time staring back at me.

The mind is a tricky thing.  Think about all the things you do in a day and how many of them you do without even thinking about them.  Random things like breathing, walking, sitting, standing, listening, gauging temperature, feeling the atmosphere in a room, watching the world exist around you...ok some of these things you may think about a little.

I want to discuss taking time back.  Owning what is yours and only giving it away with conscience knowledge instead of blindly wasting it without a thought.  Start just by sitting back and listening to your breath.  Hear the sounds as you just breathe in and out.  Take time to breathe in deep, expanding your stomach and feeling your lungs expand to capacity then release it as easy  as it came in, making sure to push out as much as possible.

Now feel yourself as you sit.  Feel the chair or the sofa or the bed underneath you.  Feel the material and how your body reacts to it.  Is it hard and pushing against you or is it soft and inviting.  Every moment is a chance to think and feel what is around you.  Focusing on every part of you, thinking about your toes, ankles, shins, knees, thighs, hips, back, stomach, chest, arms, neck, head...even your hair.  How does it feel?  As you just read that last sentence, you were subconsciously thinking about each part of your body and feeling something, maybe tingling, maybe warmth, maybe something else, but the fact is, you were multitasking and may not have even known it.

We so often find ourselves rushing from place to place, task to task without stopping to experience the moments we are blindly losing forever.  Yes, losing forever.  How powerful a thought is that.  Time does not stop, clocks keep ticking, and we are wasting all those precious moments without even giving them a second thought.  Sad now that you think of it, hmmmm?

Maybe it's time to start paying attention a little closer.  I know what you are thinking, 'I'm too busy, I don't have time' but actually time is the one thing we all do have.  Every living person has time, it's all in how you use it.

Let's take a moment to think of one simple thing that happened in your day yesterday that you only now are noticing happened.  Maybe a butterfly landed on your windshield as you waited at a light during your morning drive.  Maybe someone smiled at you and it made you smile back.  Maybe you saw something glorious and took a second to react to it and feel it. As you progress through your day keep that one simple thought in mind.  Use it to help you take control of your time and enjoy it fuller rather than just rushing through.  Smile. Breathe.

Day 9 - Even earlier

Finished my second self-help book.  My first one, 'Wait, What?' by James E. Ryan really helped me start thinking deeper, questioning more and asking the right questions.  It also turned me on to reading and listening more to self-help type books.  During the conference I went to earlier this month, one of the speakers suggested the second self-help book I have now finished and I am so glad she did.  I really, REALLY enjoyed it and I am so excited and ready to start implementing the things I learned in The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod.

I actually started getting up earlier and earlier, first because someone special came into my life and seeing him first thing in the morning on his way to work really starts my day in a very positive way.  But that is not the only reason.  Getting up 30 minutes to an hour earlier is part of the miracle morning practices...allowing on to get in time for 6 things that we otherwise don't make much time for but really help in improving ourselves and reaching new goals.  Today, I woke up at 5 AM without an alarm, even after going to bed at almost 11 PM last night.  I woke with a sense of excitement to get my day started and see what I could accomplish and I finished the book.  Now, I want to go back and reread all the notes I took the first time and see what else I can absorb reading it again.

This quote...

just seemed to resonate with me.  I truly believe that where I am today is a result of where I have been and what I have experienced in life and when asked if I could go back and change anything, would I my answer is always the same.  I would not change a thing as I love who and where I am today and I am on the road to where and who I want to be in the future.

If you get a chance, read or listen to the two books above.  They really are very empowering.

Early to Rise - Day 8 - Back to it

After the roller coaster of a weekend and realizing that, well, I am not going to get through my first 30 days of rising early and doing my power hour as successfully as I originally planned, I am getting back to it.  Maybe I will do it more on the weekdays and allow myself to postpone the 'early' by an hour or two on the weekends.  Sounds like a plan...or at least an excuse for this past weekend.

Monday mornings are always hard to handle, unless your on vacation or retired or just lucky enough to love what you do.  This morning I realized just how much of a morning person my son is not as he worked through his Monday morning routine of packing his bags and truck for the next week of insanity.  My son, who has finally decided what path he wants to take and is working feverishly to pave it, packs for a week, living basically from his truck and a loaner couch so he can work from early to afternoon then sprint to an evening of school finishing just before the next day starts.  I watch from the sidelines, hoping to help where I can but also staying as far from the running path as necessary so as not to trip him up or get stepped on as he passes. It is hard sometimes to stand back and just watch, but I'm learning.

Today, just like any other day, I watch him leave, but unlike other days, felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment followed up by a little pool in each eye.  Why, you ask, would I be tearing up at this day, so similar to any other Monday.  Today I felt comfort watching him do what he needed to succeed.  Pushing through the things that could stop him, could detour him from hitting his goal and planning for those detours to ensure his success.  Does he take the easiest paths, no, but that is ok...that is how he needs to push forward.  He is making it his way which to a parent is such a wonderful thing to witness. 

I know he got part of that drive from me.  Time to follow his lead and do it too.  Off to walk my path for the day.  I hope as you are finishing my post you think of where you will point your shoes to today and feel blessed with each step.

No Early rise on Day 7 - Emotional...a day late

Emotional overload is all I can say to explain the evening of Day 6 which was one of many reasons for not rising early today and why it is now being published technically on Day 8.  When you add too much wine with lots of talking and open discussion, it can cause unexpected and unplanned waterworks. It also caused a lot of pauses in the writing of this posting.  Life happens.

The thing about our history, those years that have made up who we are today, those memories come with lots of emotions attached. The way we felt when a child was born is an amazing memory that brings a smile.  Their first step, first tooth, first grade, first love, all of their firsts are your firsts too.

Unfortunately life also brings lots of firsts we never want to experience.  Even worse is when those firsts come way too early in life.  For me, those firsts were compounded with little support.  As a child, I lost 2 of my family members at the tender age of 6.  My great-gramma and my granddaddy, two of my relatives that were very much a part of my early world passed that year, showing me just how harsh life can be sometimes.  Yes, it is the circle of life, however that is of little comfort to a child who has just lost a large part of what they new as their family circle.

I have since lost many others over the years.  One I had no way of ever even preparing for was the lost of my husband towards the end of my 28th year.  This not only was going to effect me but my young children, who were now experiencing loss at the ages of 6 and 3.  To make sure that they had the support that I did not, to make sure that they were able to deal with it but be supported through all their years to come and be strong in spite of not having a very important piece of a normal childhood, I put my grieving on hold.  This allowed me to be strong for them, to help them thrive as best they could.  Not easy, but after a while, the shield I put around my emotions towards that awful day did its job allowing me to live day by day and raise my children as a widow, filling the shoes of both mom and dad.

Nineteen years later, once I felt my job was complete, my emotional dam broke.  Now I know most parents are thinking as they are reading this, 'a parent's job is never done' and I fully agree with you but in my mind it was finally time to release those emotions, the grieving process that I had never allowed myself to go through.  That's right, I pushed pause and now life decided it was time to push play and continue the grieving process that had been held off for so many years.  I found myself tearing up at the smallest things.  The worst was forcing myself to sit and listen fully to the song I had played at his funeral.  Now when I hear it my heart feels comforted, however it was not that way for many years. I also found that talking about it, even just about the anniversary or the amount of years that had since passed causes wells of tears to form.  Grief rears its ugly head when you least expect it and many do not understand that there is no magical number for how many years you grieve for someone.  There is no limit to how many times a widow will feel the sadness of the loss of a spouse.  Compound that with the post traumatic stress from finding your love after, it's just something that may never go away completely.  Time does not heal all wounds, it just puts a padding around them so they are not as sensitive, but the padding can be thinned by other life experiences.

Now coming to the end of year 21 I still find myself sad and emotional when I hear that song, but also comforted, emotional when I think back on all the time we did have together (the good and the bad), and yes I still tear up here and there but it comes in small spurts now instead of massive floods.  The emotions are also felt when reliving all of the years I got to spend raising my children in to the wonderful and successful adults they now are, confident in who they are becoming and knowing their father would be so very proud, as I am. 

I am writing this not only to get it out of my mind but also to share that there is no grief calendar, no limit to how long it lasts or how long it is felt.  To those who told me that I had to stop considering myself a widow and just be single, telling me that enough time had passed and I had to 'move on', I hope you never experience a loss so traumatic and you can stay sheltered in your ignorance.

Early to rise - Day 6 - Almost but not quite

WOW...I have almost made it to a full week of this.  I have not done all I had planned to in those first 6 days, but I'm proud that I have done much of it.  Change is not an overnight thing and trying to change many things at once can cause failure, but changing one or two, even a few at a time will allow you to get used to the changes then implement more down the road.  I am super happy with my start.  I did notice that yesterday I apparently could not count.  I have since corrected  yesterday's title to show day 5, not day 4 do-over.

Today I want to discuss failure.  What does it mean to fail?  The way I see it, failure only happens when someone stops trying.  If you are trying to do something, striving to reach a goal, moving with forward momentum towards a finish line, you will not fail until you no longer try.  Even if it takes you longer than expected or if your goal moves or changes, as long as you are moving towards something, you have not failed.

In today's society it seems that everyone looks at things as a pass or fail, black or white, even good and bad.  They forget that in the there are the inbetweens.  There are the grays and the ok's.  Taking life at such a strict level as not to see that would limit your ability to appreciate those things which are not perfect, and let's face it.  Nothing is perfect.

Striving for perfection is not a bad thing, it is a way to measure, however, feeling as if you have failed when not reaching it is since it is impossible to reach. Failure only comes when you quit trying to reach perfection.

Well, time for me to continue to reach for my goals.  Until tomorrow, blessed be.

Early to rise - Day 5 - Not so early this time

Think I spoke too soon yesterday morning.  I realized this as I woke up about 30 minutes later this morning than planned.  No, I didn't set the dreaded alarm clock.  As I have mentioned before, I find those things just annoying and intrusive.  I was out late last night and honestly went to bed late so ended up sleeping in a bit longer than planned.  Oh well.  Life happens.

That is one thing that I think I will write about today.  Life happens.  I used to think that it was Sh*t Happens but found that to be a negative way of looking at it.  In the past year or two I have been trying to focus my thoughts on all positive things, knowing negative was out there but deciding for me I would just focus on the positive side regardless.  Here are some examples of how I do this.

If the clouds are darkening and rain is forming overhead, instead of thinking about it as "my day is ruined", "my plans have to change because it's going to rain", I look at the clouds and see that even tho they are dark, where the sun shines behind them they are white, almost having the proverbial silver lining, choosing to see the glow and know that the rain will cool off the temperature, will brighten the green in the grasses and plants, and will smell refreshing.

I think that in doing this, I am telling myself and the universe that regardless of how things are happening, I am going to just deal with it and focus on the lighter side, the positive side.  It really does make it easier to move through some of the not so pleasant things that happen.  Focusing on the positive works with people too.  Even tho someone really gets on your nerves, you can us this technique when having to deal with them.  I will say sometimes it is harder than other times but giving it a try can't hurt.  I am not perfect and there are times I forget to try but more often than not, I do.

Sharing the positive also helps others feel the effects as well.  For example, going to a store, standing in line, watching people put their items on a conveyor belt waiting to be checked out so they can get out and go on their own path can be tedious.  Next time, try striking up a conversation with the person in front or behind you.  It can make the time you are standing there a little less boring, painful, and annoying.  Cracking a joke will lighten the mood and make it seem less like just standing there and more like meeting a new person and enjoying the moment.  Also, catch the name of the cashier or teller and instead of ignoring them and rushing through the transaction, say hi to them by name.  You will be surprised just how much that little gesture can make their day a little brighter.  You will see them smile a bit at being acknowledged for who they are, not just the job they are doing.

It only takes a second to brighten your day and others.  Smiles are free yet they are priceless when you share them.

Early to rise Day 4 - The simple things

This morning as I woke up I realized a few things.  First, I forgot to set my alarm to wake up early.  This was not on purpose, just apparently forgot.  I did wake up about the same time as I did yesterday and the day before but without my mind remembering to wake before that horrid noise interrupted my sleep.  I just did it.  Nice feeling that was.

Second, I am almost half way through my first phase of my transformation, my new habit forming phase.  This is still exciting and starting to be less painful. I am enjoying the silence of my morning before the world wakes up. I am taking advantage of those peaceful moments to listen to my hypnosis to better myself.  I am creating affirmations to remind myself of who I am, who I want to be, and what I can become.  I am writing again. I forgot how much I really enjoyed writing.  Not only on this blog but actually putting pen to paper.  Such a feeling that just warms my soul being able to pour my feelings and thoughts on to a piece of paper.  I am being able to visualize what I want, who I want to be, and where I want my life to lead.  This is exciting.

Third, how precious the little things really are.  As I finished my meditation this morning, stood from my seat, stretched, then went to open the blinds on the windows and let in the morning glow, I stopped and smiled as I looked at my little bird feeder.  The thing I was looking forward to today was watching my little visitor, a little hummingbird that has found my feeder and been visiting regularly the past few days.  It appears to be keeping this tidbit of information all to itself as no others have visited.  This little bird has almost had half of the contents in my feeder so far.  I am amazed at how graceful it is, how calming it is to watch it drink the sweet sugar water, and how agile it is, bouncing from flower to flower on the base of the feeder.  The simple things just make such an impact, a positive impact.

Taking time to visualize myself lying on a beach, feeling the warmth of the sand under my body and the sun on my skin, the smell of the ocean, the sound of the waves as they hit the beach, the gulls overhead squawking as they communicate with others.  So relaxing it is to just go away, even if only in my mind.  It really is the simple things.

 Today, I hope that those who read this also take time to, as everyone says, smell the roses.  Stop and take in all the things we overlook in our busy days, rushing around from thing to thing like birds to a flower.  Realize how beautiful everything in around us and just allow yourself to enjoy each second that builds each minute that builds each hour of your day.  Those are the things you will never get back so take full advantage of them and live every second.

Off to watch my little visitor.

Early to rise - Day 3 - Rough start

Hmmm...it's day 3, Wednesday, and honestly I am struggling a bit.  Not so sure it is because it's early but more because I woke with a sore throat.  Kind of feels like someone choked me in my sleep...but not going to dive into that here.  That will be for a totally different blog. LOL

So, this morning in my first hour slot I changed it up.  Didn't get the glass of water as I was supposed to...went straight to coffee after letting the dogs out.  I also didn't follow my own instructions and jumped right into work.  Just a little, starting an online party for one of my hosts as I kind of forgot to do a few things yesterday.  Oh well.  now I can focus on my morning even though it got off to a rocky start.  

Positive thinking is the way to go.  Well, today I am positive that I hate alarm clocks.  My mind woke me a lot too early this morning as I rolled over to see 2:22 AM on the clock.  I growled and rolled back over and went back to sleep only to have my weird dream rudely interrupted by the noise at 5:25 AM.  UGH, I really hate alarm clocks.  Must make a mental note to change that ringer to something more pleasant.  I thought Morning Glory would be ok, the gentle chiming of bells in a rhythmic fashion but as I found when it started this morning, I wanted to throw my phone across the room.  Yes, I really do hate alarm clocks!!! 

I am only 3 days into this Miracle Morning routine I am trying to build but as mentioned above, only took 3 days to fail at it.  Not that I am giving up, just realizing that my mind and body are going to fight me a bit on this.  I am still doing my journaling (this blog), and I will do my exercises (later when I'm awake) and I will meditate when I am a little more awake too (probably my hypnosis which sounds kind of good right now because I am pretty sure I kind of sleep thru it...ha).  Promise myself I will try better tomorrow.  After all, it does take about 30 days to make a habit and 30 days to break one too, so I will do this.  Just having to break habits I have been forming now for 49 years and recreate the wheel in my mind.  That in itself sounds exhausting.  Can that be my exercise for the day?  Probably not, that's probably cheating.  Oh well, off to get another cup-o-joe.  Will be here, hopefully earlier tomorrow. 

Early rise Day 2, Yoga Day 1

Today in my journey to self improvement I started my day with a glass of water, before coffee of course, then listened to a bit of my audio book of The Miracle Morning, which I highly recommend.  I then moved on to a hypnosis that I have been doing as meditation.

After that, feeling ready to add a new routine to my morning power hour I set my TV to Session 1 of the 30 Days of Yoga to a New You.  Well, I made it through about 15 minutes of the 24 minute session before deciding I was done.  I sure hope that in 30 days I can bend like that woman on the video.  Of course, I would have to lose a lot of my gut and ass and find my abs before that will happen too.  That is one of my goals.  However, I didn't know that on my first attempt at yoga, I would become nauseous.  Not good...not good at all.

So, now here I sit doing the next part of my morning routine, writing down my thoughts and feelings.  Maybe I should postpone my morning coffee until after my yoga session.  Maybe I should not try to put my head into my knees on the first attempt.  Maybe my body isn't supposed to bend like that pencil-shaped woman on the TV screen does.  Hmmm...all the things that went through my mind trying that yoga thing.  Oh, and let's not forget the plank.  Seriously?  On the first session you try to introduce me to plank?  Are you insane?  My idea of plank is laying flat on my belly, not standing on my toes and palms.  My plank probably looked more like one half of the McDonald's arches.  Maybe we should forget plank on the first session. Oh well, maybe some day my body will do that too...when I become a pencil.

Goal:  Become a pencil.

Early rise Day 1 - Butterfly confusion

This is my early rise day 1.  I started The Miracle Morning audio book last week and have decided that I would try to implement the things I am learning to improve myself.  One thing that I have found is that my sub conscience hates alarm clocks.  My brain wakes me 5-15 minutes before the alarm, I assume so I don't have to hear it.  How funny is that.

Well, after dawning on my gym clothes (work attire...I do love working from home), I head down stairs, grab a glass of water (another new thing), then make my first cup of heaven (yes, that's coffee for those who don't know me yet).  I then sat down to start putting into practice some of the things I have been learning.  This morning...Journaling.  So here goes.

I went to Powell Gardens in Missouri this past weekend and wanted to share this beautiful yet adorably confused blue butterfly. The reason I say adorably confused is that the fabulously large, pink flower with which it came to rest and tried to dine on was actually a poster of a flower.  It sat there for quite sometime trying to drink the nectar, allowing me to capture this and a few other gorgeous photos of it and all it's beauty.  Thank you to the person who decided they needed a poster of a big pink flower.  It worked great for me.