No Early rise on Day 7 - Emotional...a day late

Emotional overload is all I can say to explain the evening of Day 6 which was one of many reasons for not rising early today and why it is now being published technically on Day 8.  When you add too much wine with lots of talking and open discussion, it can cause unexpected and unplanned waterworks. It also caused a lot of pauses in the writing of this posting.  Life happens.

The thing about our history, those years that have made up who we are today, those memories come with lots of emotions attached. The way we felt when a child was born is an amazing memory that brings a smile.  Their first step, first tooth, first grade, first love, all of their firsts are your firsts too.

Unfortunately life also brings lots of firsts we never want to experience.  Even worse is when those firsts come way too early in life.  For me, those firsts were compounded with little support.  As a child, I lost 2 of my family members at the tender age of 6.  My great-gramma and my granddaddy, two of my relatives that were very much a part of my early world passed that year, showing me just how harsh life can be sometimes.  Yes, it is the circle of life, however that is of little comfort to a child who has just lost a large part of what they new as their family circle.

I have since lost many others over the years.  One I had no way of ever even preparing for was the lost of my husband towards the end of my 28th year.  This not only was going to effect me but my young children, who were now experiencing loss at the ages of 6 and 3.  To make sure that they had the support that I did not, to make sure that they were able to deal with it but be supported through all their years to come and be strong in spite of not having a very important piece of a normal childhood, I put my grieving on hold.  This allowed me to be strong for them, to help them thrive as best they could.  Not easy, but after a while, the shield I put around my emotions towards that awful day did its job allowing me to live day by day and raise my children as a widow, filling the shoes of both mom and dad.

Nineteen years later, once I felt my job was complete, my emotional dam broke.  Now I know most parents are thinking as they are reading this, 'a parent's job is never done' and I fully agree with you but in my mind it was finally time to release those emotions, the grieving process that I had never allowed myself to go through.  That's right, I pushed pause and now life decided it was time to push play and continue the grieving process that had been held off for so many years.  I found myself tearing up at the smallest things.  The worst was forcing myself to sit and listen fully to the song I had played at his funeral.  Now when I hear it my heart feels comforted, however it was not that way for many years. I also found that talking about it, even just about the anniversary or the amount of years that had since passed causes wells of tears to form.  Grief rears its ugly head when you least expect it and many do not understand that there is no magical number for how many years you grieve for someone.  There is no limit to how many times a widow will feel the sadness of the loss of a spouse.  Compound that with the post traumatic stress from finding your love after, it's just something that may never go away completely.  Time does not heal all wounds, it just puts a padding around them so they are not as sensitive, but the padding can be thinned by other life experiences.

Now coming to the end of year 21 I still find myself sad and emotional when I hear that song, but also comforted, emotional when I think back on all the time we did have together (the good and the bad), and yes I still tear up here and there but it comes in small spurts now instead of massive floods.  The emotions are also felt when reliving all of the years I got to spend raising my children in to the wonderful and successful adults they now are, confident in who they are becoming and knowing their father would be so very proud, as I am. 

I am writing this not only to get it out of my mind but also to share that there is no grief calendar, no limit to how long it lasts or how long it is felt.  To those who told me that I had to stop considering myself a widow and just be single, telling me that enough time had passed and I had to 'move on', I hope you never experience a loss so traumatic and you can stay sheltered in your ignorance.