#62 - Another Year

My Dearest Love,

It is Halloween again my love, another year has passed without you here.  So much has happened yet none of it seems important at this moment.  This day, though I love the season with all the decorations and spooky events, always brings back such memories of pain and sorrow.  That moment in time forever burned into my mind, playing over and over again when I think of you.  I wish I could make that last memory disappear so all I had to hold on to was the good.  It has been so hard to remove that last photo from my mind, that last time I saw you.  Somehow I was able to overlay another photo from a happier time when we were so in love, so I see that instead of your death as a first memory when I think of you.  You had such a beautiful smile.

Our children have grown into such wonderful young adults.  I know you have been able to see them too and I am sure you are as proud as I am.  It has been nice knowing you are around to see as well. They have sensed it too.  Have you seen how much both of them have taken after you with their desire to take things apart and put them back together.  Yes, they also end up with spare parts, just like you did.  It is amazing that even though you were not here physically to influence them, to show them how to do so many things, they still have so much of you in them.  It makes me smile when I see them doing things like you did.

I think I was finally able to grieve for you.  It only took 20 or so years.  Your death, losing the love of my life to such a stupid accident at such a young age I was not prepared for.  I spent so many years just trying to forget what happened, pushing it all back so I could do what I had to for the children to make sure they had all they needed, were happy and knew they were loved.  But every year I would look back and wish that I had just gotten home a few minutes sooner.  I no longer blame myself. Had to stop wondering what if.

I used to go back to the old property and sit out front staring at the place where you died.  The barn is now gone but somehow I was able to still see it. Luckily my time to mourn you finally came and now I sit on the other side of that giant ocean of tears able to see through the pain to many of the good times we had, the laughs we shared, the moments of perfect joy I get to hold onto and smile knowing those times will always be ours to share.  OK, maybe one or two more tears are still hanging around waiting to be shed.  One just decided to escape as I have been writing you.  Those now, however, are tears of remembrance, not pain.

Thank you for staying with me, with us all of these years.  Thank you for the little hints you were around, the hints of cigarette smoke in the air let me know you were here.  You have been missed very much and those moments were a comfort, and your timing was always perfect.  Also, thank you for letting me know there was nothing I could do, that it was just your time.  I understand now.

Once again as that time grows near I remember the moment in time I was forced to say good bye to my best friend, my truest love, the father of my children, my soulmate, but it will be just a little bit easier.  My heart is lighter, no longer filled with the pain of blame and fear I could have done more.  I will forever hold you in my memories and you will always hold a piece of my heart. 

Until we meet again. 

#61 - No permanent vacation yet

As millions of others, maybe billions, I am one of the many who will be returning to work (eventually, after my vacation).  Just like the rest of the suckers that wasted money buying a chance (or many chances) to become rich and quit my job, I did not win Mega Millions.  Feeling like an idiot for wasting my hard earned money on a pipe dream of a chance to win a rigged game.  How is it that magic numbers seem to be just out of reach?  How is it that the drawings are closed an hour prior to the little balls being sucked up into the magic vacuum?  Is that so they can determine which balls to pull based on what numbers weren't chosen?  Just have to ask.

Even though I am not quitting my job today, even though I must continue to work to support my dreams, I am not sad. I have the ability to continue to make my dreams a reality, even without 6 stupid numbers.  It's called drive and perseverance.  Proudly I can say that I have had no silver spoon to get me where I am.  I am not rich financially, by any means, but I am rich in other ways and feel so blessed with what I have been able to accomplish in my life so far.

One person who I am not sure will still have a job to go to is the front desk person at the Hampton by Hilton I stayed in Sunday night.  She had such a nasty attitude, horrible thing to have if you work in the hospitality industry.  I could not imagine someone being so rude in that line of work.  The night before I had also stayed in a Hampton (different city) and it was a very nice experience.  The staff there was amazingly sweet and really liked their jobs (or at least faked it well) which was why I had looked to stay at another the second night.  Little did I know that I was going to meet such a snotty brat who hated her job...or seemed like it anyway.

It appears I was not the only one who experienced her lack-of-give-a-shit attitude.  I finally got around to calling Hilton customer service today and they opened a complaint file.  Literally before I hung up with the customer service representative, the general manager of the location I had the horrible experience at was calling me.  I gave him the run down just as I had the customer service person just prior and he said he was not surprised, that he had experienced it too.

Hopefully my way home will be less exciting.  I am looking forward to a calm, relaxing drive home with maybe a few nice stops.  This trip has been a welcome relaxing and mind-releasing time.  I was definitely in need of a brain-break and hope that the drive home will be the same...with a little less construction and idiot driver stress.  One can hope anyway.

At least I was able to have a great day today.  Sun was shining, beach was perfect, I was able to visit one of my favorite stores as well as drive down the A1A and see many different beach areas.  Even found a bunch of water fowl that posed for pics.

#60 - My Dam Trip

For the past few days I have been on vacation.  Road trips are my favorites because you can see what you want, stop when you feel like it, and experience new and exciting things.  Other side of the coin is dealing with idiots across many states.  This has been no exception.  It seems that there are horrible drivers everywhere.


To remove myself from the highway of idiots I took off on a side road.  I had seen a dam off the side of the highway and decided it was a good thing to go see.  So off I went.  The high side of the dam was beautiful, with it's wildlife and glistening water with steam dancing on top.  Such a gorgeous site.  So peaceful, a nice change of pace from the rat-race that was the highway.


The other side of the damn was very different.  The loud rumble of the water rushing out of water as it was released in a gushing arc of whiteness.  Such beauty, such power.  The difference of the two sides, so close yet so far away.


Off to the next dam place.


As I continued down the highway, I took in as much of the scenery a possible, looking for another place to find beauty, another sign, another side road waiting to be investigated.  I came across my next dam sign not too far away.  This one was a little off the beaten path but had a beauty of a train arch I could enjoy as well.  It also made me a little leery.





It is not every day you see a sign like this.  This dam wasn't as nice to photograph but I did it just so I could continue my dam trip.  This is the only photo worth sharing from it as I was a little worried about getting blown up.  Best not to do that!

One of the main reasons I decided to take a trip this time of year was the colors of the trees as they change.  There is something just stunning about the change over.  The oranges and reds mixing in with the greens, browns and yellows creates a beautiful color pallet.  Absolutely peaceful blend of colors.

The last dam on my trip was another lovely one, not nearly as cool as the first but levels above the second.    The top and bottom were both quite calm.  It was small in comparison to the first two but was quite nice.

                 

And that is the end of my dam trip.  Now off to the beach part. 

#59 - Almost ready

The cool thing about being alive is that we have the ability to choose what we do. Regardless of what it is, we always have a choice.  Our choices make us unique as every person will have their own, depending on their experiences and situations.  Our lives give us the ammunition needed to weather the storms, but our soul is what gets us through.  Our determination not to fail, not to give up, not to rollover, not to settle.  Each choice is a step down a path and each path is a choice we make, but each choice, each step can be changed.  Unlike a tree, we are not rooted into one place.  We have the ability to go places and do different things and have amazing experiences. 

The choice is ours to make but we must not fear it.  Fear is something that we all have, some more than others.  It can be exhilarating or debilitating depending on how we react to it.  In many cases, our past builds our fears, things we have survived or been made to experience throws curve balls into our psyche, giving us the inability to swing for fear we will miss. These are, in many instances, the things that make many of us get up and move. 

For me, the fear of becoming stagnant is more prevalent than any other right now.  The fear of not growing, not evolving into the person I am meant to be, becoming a hermit and never getting out and trying new things or meeting new people would be like death.  I never used to feel this but in my past, the options were not there.  Now that I have gotten to a place in my life when my children are grown, my employment is stable (ok, as stable as it can be in this day in age), when the only things needing me are my pets and I have fabulous people who can help with them if I decide to jump and run for a bit, I have the freedom to go play, to go learn, to go experience, to live.

This strange time in my life is actually an amazing gift.  When I was young, I was not given this freedom.  As I am now watching my children experience their own freedom, I am excited to try it too.  Get out, experience the world, see new things, meet new people, see what life has to offer me as a next step, next path.  I am afraid but I use the fear as a motivating factor to succeed.  I have so much going on yet I am not too busy to stop and smell the roses along the path.  I have realized that making time for me is as much a requirement as eating or sleeping.  If I do not, I feel that I will cease to be me and becoming a shell of who I once was.

My next big adventure is planned, spreading my wings and flying once again in hopes of finding new things to see and experience.  Hoping to be able to open my mind and learn even more about myself.  Time to start writing my next chapter and see where this exciting experience called Life takes me.  Time to fly.

#58 - Brain Break

Have you ever caught yourself driving along in the car, windows down, hair blowing in the wind, belting out the song on the radio?  What about getting lost in thought as you walk down a path hearing only the sounds made when your feet hit the ground?  Take it even one step further, how about when sitting or walking on a beach, hearing nothing but the waves and maybe an occasional bird overhead?  Those are the moments that I love.  Those moments when you get absolutely lost in time, having not a care in the world.
 
I think that more of these moments are needed.  More time to just not think, to relax in the moment and just be.  I am hoping to find more of these moments in the coming week as I remove myself from my current situation, get away from the office and really just get back in touch with me again.  As I get older, I find that this to be more of a requirement.  My mind spins as such a crazy speed, with all the work and life events getting caught in the whirlwinds, ever intertwined making me feel exhausted a lot of the time.  Time to release those things which hold me down and soar.  Stop spinning and just blow through the trees, through the fields, stop spinning and just ride the wave of wind and see where it takes me.

To take flight like the seed of a dandelion flower, landing wherever the wind decides to slow and release me.  How wonderful a thought, a feeling of almost pure freedom, only being held by the wind.  Oh the things one could see and experience during a flight.

The nice thing is that if you learn the art of meditation or self hypnosis, you can experience these types of travels, of releases of energy, of brain breaks that really give you a sense of peace.  Personally I have been able to experience many of these in recent months, working on mastering them more and more as the effects on my body and mind are astounding.  A calming sensation that has begun to change who I am, how I react to situations, and what I truly care about.  The thought of don't sweat the small stuff come to mind often, not that I have read the book, but that the comment makes such sense in itself.  Through the use of meditation and hypnosis I see so much more as small stuff, things that don't seem to matter nearly as much to me as they have in the past.  Those things which are important held close, the rest left to float away in the wind.

Well, time to put this away for the day and go complete my last day of daily grind before a week of sheer bliss. 

#57 - Kitchen Therapy

Today I decided I needed some simple kitchen therapy. There is simple pleasure in taking ingredients and turning them into an amazing meal. The chopping of vegetables and herbs, putting them together and creating something healthy and tasty has such a rewarding outcome.  So much better than shopping therapy, for me anyway.  Not to say that shopping therapy doesn't have its positives.

On today's menu was a day of mass cooking.  My first meal though was just breakfast.  Fried a couple slices of bacon and set them aside.  After removing most of the bacon grease, I put into the same pan 3 sliced button mushrooms, some sun-dried tomatoes in oil, half a clove of garlic sliced paper thin, and 2 handfuls of baby spinach.  Once cooked down, I moved it to the top of the pan and added an egg, frying it then chopping it up and mixing it all together.  A sun-dried tomato tortilla with some thin slices of tomato basil cheese that will melt under the warm goodness.  Talk about a fantabulous way to start a day.  That and 3 cups of coffee.

Later in the day was the big cooking experience.  I setup the Pampered Chef Quick Cooker pressure cooker and prepared to see how it handled a whole 5 pound chicken.  Along side of the chicken I put a lemon sliced thin, added thyme and rosemary.  Closed the lid and made sure all the arrows were going all the right way.  Set it to 30 minutes on the Chicken/Poultry setting and hit start.  Less than an hour later I was pulling out the tongs to retrieve the chicken, so good it was falling off the bone.  Once the chicken was out, I strained the remains into a large bowl to save all the broth.  So good and so easy. 

Cleanup was a breeze, then I was ready for round 2.  Next in line for the Quick Cooker was a turkey breast, bone-in.  Cleaned and prepped, in it went with a cup of the broth from the chicken cooked earlier.  With salt and pepper and a little spray butter on top, I closed the lid, set to Chicken/Poultry setting, clock at 45 minutes and hit start.  The smell in my house was like Thanksgiving.  Clock ticking, watching the time pass and wishing it would hurry because the smell is making me want to eat.  Once it was done and the steam released, I opened the cooker and used my turkey picker utensils (bought them last year but never even opened them) to retrieve the yumminess.  Looked and smelled amazing.  Photos taken because it was just too pretty not to shoot, then sliced in.  WOW.  So moist, just like my gramma's holiday bird. 

Today was an amazing outlet, a therapeutic release of love into food.  Looking forward to another day of new recipes tomorrow and a new kitchen gadget to start saving them a little more uniform.  Tomorrow I purchase a vacuum sealer. 

#56 - Rose colored glasses

My mind seems to be racing a mile a minute, making it impossible to capture a thought long enough to write.  Wondering as I sit here if it is guilt or relief. I can't quite grasp it.  I have done nothing wrong except to be brutally honest. I allowed my true thoughts and feelings to be released into the universe but they came out sharp as knives, cutting those who were in their way.  Like a cornered dog looking for a way to escape, feeling pressured into a tiny space which was just too small to survive in lashing out at the hand reaching in and biting, drawing blood.  The hand retracts quickly, the painful bite leaving a lasting impression that will cause distrust and fear.  Neither will come out of this unscathed.

More thoughts swirling around.  Love, pain, escape, hurt, fear, honesty, confusion, clarity.  How can the brain have so much going on yet not nail down one thought.  It's as if a movie with a thousand characters is trying to be filmed and no one has a script, just characters running around aimlessly doing nothing but bumping into each other.

OK, let's ask one big question.  When you feel love for something do you actually love what it is or do you just love the concept of it?  How can you love something if you don't truly know it?  Can you love something a little or must it be wholeheartedly?  Same for people.  How can you be in love with someone without even knowing who they really are?  Know what they are made of, what is inside it, how they came to be, what they fear, what they love.  Does none of this matter?

I know that when we love something like a child or family, that is almost unconditional.  Something that we feel because of who they are to us, they are what we know and in many cases have known all our lives or theirs.  Like an extended part of ourselves.  Love just is, like a garden of wild flowers just grow because their seeds landed.  No real tending needed, just continue to grow and flourish in the sunlight and occasional rain.

But what is it about that word, Love?  There are varying degrees of love, of how we feel, of what it means to us when it is said.  When it is said, is it the feeling we love or who is making us feel it?  It seems to be thrown around so much now that it is hard to put into words the depth in which we feel what we are describing.  Why do we insist on rushing in without first looking where we are going?  Do you jump into the pool without testing the water first?  Or do you just trust that it is not too hot or too cold?  Once in, do you jump and run out as quick as possible or do you stay and hope to get used to it? 

After removing the rose colored glasses to see things how they really are, the light shines brightly on the truth, the inevitable truth that things just aren't what they seemed to be in the beginning.  How do you react?  In my situation, I tried to slow things down but it seemed that was not possible.  Guess it is easy to go from 0 to 60 in record speed but to go back down to 25 after hitting 60 apparently causes a shift bigger than one can recover from.

Time to get back on the road again and see where my journey takes me next.