Eliminate What Doesn't Help You Evolve

Finally found a few free minutes all to myself where nothing required my attention last night. Feels like that was the first time since returning from our vacation.  Still a little tired from all the insanity that awaited me when I returned to work yet not as bad as the week before I decided to start tackling the project that will probably take me til Spring...or so it seems.  My declutter.  Not just that but my release from all the worldly things that I thought I had to hold onto, clothes I might wear again, projects I might get around to, stuff that may be useful sometime in the future but just not right now.  When I think about all of it like that, it sounds like a hoarding situation.  Luckily it's not like that but I can really see how it is possible to get to that point.

Having had little to call my own when I was young to becoming homeless and having almost nothing in my teens, to getting where I am today, sometimes it is hard to let go of things.  It is also hard not to buy more things just because I can, thinking about ways to use them, and holding onto them, allowing them to take up space in my world.  

When upcycled art was one of two main focuses of my business, I used that as a reason to buy lots of things.  My business was successful, I made many lovely things out of trash and leftover pieces of other stuff.  I was able to share my beauties with others and them wanting to bring them into their homes to continue to admire.  This was a real passion of mine.  It was a release of part of myself into the world and it was amazing.  It was also a lot of fun to watch the expressions of those realizing what my creations were originally.  To turn a soda can into a beautiful rose or a butterfly and light bulbs into ornaments, and other upcycles, it was just fun to be able to think outside the box.

After a while tho it became exhausting trying to keep up with the ever changing desires of people. Art, after all, is not a necessity in life so when money gets tight people quit buying art.  This caused that me to have to rethink my business.  Also trying to work the booths at weekend events alone was just too much for me to handle.  I did have some assistance from my children but they were busy too with their lives so I could not burden them with having to continue to help me.  I decided that part of my business would have to end.  Letting go of all the pieces and parts, the upcycle stuff, well that was a challenge I still have not completely met.  I have gotten rid of the majority but I have held onto some little bits and pieces 'just in case' I wanted to do them again.  This is the mentality I have to break.  This is what I feel is holding me stagnant, not allowing me to move forward towards my next adventure.  

My business changed and grew to focus more on the fine arts and photography.  It too has caused a collection of stuff to take over my space.  In allowing all the clutter to take over my spaces, I have robbed myself of clear mind in which to create.  Since returning from my trip, I have found myself almost without a creative thought.  Every time I want to sit down at the canvas and create I find something distracts me from it and points me towards something else to do.  This is what I am trying to remove.

So, starting from the top down, literally the top of my house, I started in my bedroom.  Going through my clothes to determine what makes me happy and what I am just holding onto but have no joy in.  I heard that somewhere recently and it really stuck.  Does it give you joy?  Does it make you happy? If the answer is no, get rid of it.  This opens up space for joy and happiness.  It makes so much sense.  Simple but effective.  In just an hour I went through my closet and was able to release myself of a huge trash bag of clothing I get no joy from.  I'm not done but the sense of accomplishment gives me the desire to continue.  

Tonight I will do more, hopefully finishing the clothing, going through the other things in there and making a space I feel more peace in.  I am not going to stress about the amount of work to be done nor the removal of all of the things I have memories with.  I am also not going to feel down if I do not finish tonight.  This is another part of the process.  Making myself see it as a bunch of little projects to be completed instead of one massive project that is overwhelming. I know that in the past that is part of why I just stopped trying.  It felt like too much, just the thought of trying to accomplish this massive task was exhausting.  Looking at it from this perspective takes away the anxiety and allows me to see the little wins.  It also makes me look forward doing more.  

This is just one more step on the path to becoming who I am meant to be in the next chapter of my life.  

The Eagles Have Landed

Monday morning, up bright and early, ready to tackle the day.  Somehow still feeling tired but don't know if it was lack of quality sleep or if it is because I know this day I am limited on the time I haveTdo things I enjoy, things that have true meaning to me. 

Yesterday was an almost amazing day.  Got up early, put on lots of layers, grabbed camera and tripod, mud boots, gloves, and head band to cover ears and off I went to hunt for eagles.  The lake was eerily silent, fog dancing on the ice on the lake.  The dead trees that protruded up from the lake bottom gave it a very spooky feeling.  Reminded me of the beginning of a scary movie when you were waiting for zombies to rise up from the graves.  Up high on those trees were what seemed to be a family of eagles, not for sure about that but from what I could see, there were 2 adults and a bunch of juveniles perched high, waiting for the sun to warm up the lake and thaw a few places for them to grab a meal.  Every once in a while one would shift and they would fly from one dead tree to another.  It was very neat to just watch them.  There was even one photo I took where it seemed one of the parents was scolding one of the children.  So amazing.

It is days like this when I feel most alive.  I am just taking in nature, filling my head with the sights and sounds of life's most basic gifts and enjoying every moment.  Oh to be a bird, to have wings that could take me high into the clouds, to be able to look down on all the sights and just soar, gliding through life with simple needs of eat, sleep, and mate and no mundane tasks, no care of what day it is or trivial stuff life brings us. 

Step 1

I have survived my first week back from my vacation, exhausted but alive.  Not that my job is in anyway dangerous except I might break a nail on the keyboard or possibly cuss in the wrong company.  I mean my sanity is still somewhat intact after another week of the mindless routine that is my job.  Don't get me wrong, there is a lot that goes into what I do which was evident by the comments I got when I returned from those who were covering for me which included "never again" and "find someone else to cover" and "how do you deal with all this?"  It's comical because I don't see it as all that hard, in fact sometimes I feel I work in my sleep.  There is just no challenge in it for me anymore, no excitement, nothing that makes me jump out of bed ready to take on the world.

This morning, however, is another story.  It's Saturday, my time, and I was up at 6 AM sharp with no alarm set, jumped in the shower, got dressed, tidied up a bit, made coffee, fixed my watch, then sat down to write.  I have started 4 blog entries so far, only one having gotten past the first few lines because I found myself dipping into the negativity pool.  I try so hard to be a positive person, looking for the silver lining on dark clouds, searching for the not-so-bad side of situations, but there are times when it seems next to impossible.  Those are the times I have to dig even deeper.  I refuse to give up, it's not in my DNA to quit, so I push on and hope that the light will shine eventually if I keep going...and it does.

Today, although I have gotten up before the sun has had a chance to shine, I feel it is going to be a good day.  I have planned things that make me smile, not a schedule but things I plan to do today and tomorrow that do not include a schedule.  I am starting to work on getting my mind in the right place to start planning my future, figuring out what I need to do to make my happy days out number those not so happy.  Art will be included in these two days so that in itself makes me smile.  I still need to finish going through all the hundreds of photos from my vacation, which will also be a pleasant thing to do and a project with an ending which is also nice.  It's the little things that can bring such big joy.  I just need to keep reminding myself of this.  Kind of like looking at the rocks, sand and water story in a different way. The rocks or boulders in our lives, bills and work.  The sand and water that fill in all the space around those two giant annoyances are all of the little things we do every day that fill our hearts with joy and make dealing with those two monsters a lot easier to tolerate.  

Time for more sand and water!

Step 2...

From Vacation Back to the Daily Grind

Being away from home, away from the responsibilities of life and the daily grind can be a magical thing.  Getting out of the country and visiting new places is even more fun.  Putting toes in sand, shopping, seeing new things and meeting new people, expanding one's horizons adds so much to a person's life resume.  No, not the resume you use to get a job, but the list of things you have done and accomplishments you have made.  I believe that should be just as important. 

Living means getting out and doing things that are not the same old thing you do every day, spending a little of that money you work so hard for to get out and do something for yourself, buying a pretty or two, or even just seeing something for the first time.  These experiences can even be relatively free.  Get in the car and just drive until you get tired of driving and see something new.  Pick a place on a map within a half a day's drive and go.  Those little excursions can be just what the doctor ordered for a tired mind or broken soul. 

For me, those little jaunts lead to bigger and further travels, this time taking me first to New Orleans, LA, then to Key West, Freeport and Nassau in the Bahamas.  What an amazing trip it was too.  Getting back on the ocean, cruising in style with roughly 3600 other people from all walks of life, seeing beautiful places, sunrises and sunsets on the sea, local wildlife, fabulous people in other countries, it was just an amazing vacation! 

One problem, it was just not long enough.  Back to work only one day and I remembered all too well why I needed a vacation.  The insanity that is the daily grind.  Watching people fall into the circle of insanity, doing the same thing over and over expecting different results yet refusing to listen to common sense and jump out.  This happens a lot in corporate America.  I also feel I personally have fallen into the same circle of insanity.  SSDD...Same Sh*t Different Day. 

Now is when I need to reevaluate the circle of insanity I am running in and decide which path I wish to jump towards.  Kind of like deciding what to be when I grow up, time to choose a path.  So many choices, just want to find one that will not make me dream of vacations but feel like my daily tasks are so much fun I don't look for time away.  Time to start making lists of what I do and don't like, what I want to do every day and what I don't.  Either finding a company that really cares about it's employees enough to pay them properly and give raises to show that their hard work is appreciated, insurance that is actually usable, and the comfort of knowing they will have a job in a year or go back out on my own as an entrepreneur again.  So many choices. 

I definitely have my work cut out for me.  I am ready for the task.  Coming up on my half century birthday soon, and craving something new.  Not a mid-life crises, more like an awakening to fact that I have been not-so-happy with what I spend most of my waking hours doing 5 days a week.  I am good at what I do which was proven to me even just yesterday as I returned from my vacation to be told by the person who was covering for me he never wanted to do it again.  My skill in what I do proves I love my work, problem is it is hard to want to push yourself to do better when the company you work for doesn't care enough to show it's employees they have worth by pay increases and good benefits.  The incentives have been lost. 

I wish that the company would actually care but wishing that seems as fruitless as trying to raise the dead.  Guess it's time for me to either become a full-on zombie or wake the hell up and make some decisions.  I have some homework to do.

The Seer

The morning was so peaceful and silent, only noises that could be heard was the low hum of the machines in the back ground running as they always did.  No dogs barking, no children playing, no cars rushing by.  Just the low hum and silence.  Enjoying her first cup of coffee during this blissfully quiet time was her gift to herself every morning.  Just relaxing and quietly contemplating the day's events to come.  This was her time.

This day was like all the others as she sat quietly sipping on her first cup.  Her cats sitting close as if guarding her from anything that would come.  They could see things their human couldn't.  Those things that have passed from their physical bodies in this world but have still not really left.  The cats can see them, can hear them, and they warn her when the others come around.  Kind of like her own personal spirit alarms, perking up their ears and watching them, hissing and crying if they are near their human.  This is their job and they take it very seriously.

Their human.  She has known about the spirits all her life.  She had been hearing them and seeing them since she was a child.  As an adult her gift had grown, adding the ability to smell things not there.  Smoke from a cigarette, garlic from the hands of an Italian cook, perfume from a loving grand mother, these were all signs that helped her determine who was around when they didn't wish to be seen.  They all wanted to be heard.  They all had a message they needed relayed.  Not all their messages were easy to decipher or to know who they needed to go to.  This was the challenge she faced every day because if she didn't get the message right or pass it to the right people, they would get angry.  They were not nice when they were angry.

Some of the spirits liked to play games, to move and hide things.  Others liked to put things in places where they would be seen.  The problem was when they got angry, they could do things that could hurt her.  Leaving small things to trip over at the top of the stair case or things that would roll to cause a fall.  The spirits were not above causing pain, especially if they didn't get their way.  Almost like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum.  They could get mean when they wanted to and this she tried to avoid. The cost was too great.  She had already experienced loss from their wrath.

It was a cold morning many years earlier, quite similar to this one actually.  She had been focused on her child, getting her up and ready for school, tiding up behind her as she ran through life without a care in the world.  Her job as a mother was to make sure her baby was able to be a child, run and play and enjoy the innocent years before the world took hold and force her to grow up.  She focused so hard on this so her girl could have what she did not.  And she did.  She was a typical, healthy, happy, beautiful extension of her mother.

When the baby was born, she all her time and energy on her.  She no longer had time to listen, to hear what the others were saying.  It was as if she had turned down the volume or turned off her abilities.  The baby was growing and requiring more and more of her time, causing her to neglect the others.  But they had their messages.  They had been trying to talk to her, trying to get her attention but she had been too busy.  This had made them angry and they were going to get her attention, one way or another.

The little girl loved her dolls and had her favorites she played with, always toting them around yet on this morning one was missing.  Over the years the others had started to play with her.  It was not uncommon for them to hide her dolls so she began to hunt.  Before when  they played with her she would find them under the bed or in the closet.  Looking high and low, she searched, finally finding one of the favorites laying just outside the upstairs window on the porch roof.  Being a child she didn't see the danger.  It seemed easy enough to just go out the window and grab it, so she thought.  She quietly opened the window, crawled through onto the roof.  Holding onto the window sill, her doll was just out of reach.  She would have to take another step, she would have to let go.  As she did, she stepped out from under the overhang where the roof was damp from the morning dew, her little feet slid out from under her.  A scream, a crash, then silence.

The mother rushed outside to where she had heard the noise.  Her heart broke as she rushed over to her baby girl who was now laying motionless next to her doll on the front steps.  A pool of blood beginning to circle her head like the halo of an angel.  Her baby was gone.  She knew it in her heart.  She could also hear her, she was calling out, confused and scared. 

The other's were speaking now, too, and now she would listen.  They had finally gotten her attention again but the cost was too much.  They had broken her.  She would no longer love, pushing everyone away in fear that they too could be hurt by the others.  She knew what had happened.  They had done this, had taken away her reason for living.  Yet she was not one to give up.  She would be here for her remaining years listening and helping.  She would do all she could and...she would be able to communicate with her baby girl.  Not as a mother could.  No more hugs.  She would never grow up to be a beautiful young lady, graduating, getting married, having babies.  This was stolen from her by them.

 As the years passed, she became more and more angry.  She stopped hearing her baby girl so she stopped listening to the others...stopped helping.  She was ready to go, to be free of this world.  The years had been hard but she pushed through.  Now, as she layed in her bed struggling for each breath, she drempt of her baby girl, hoping that she would be there to greet her when she passed.  One more breath.  She felt a hand on hers.  All at once she realized that it she had no more pain, no more struggles to breathe.  She was free of her earthly body, and the hand now holding hers was the hand of her baby girl.  They were once again united.  Her heart was now whole again, and death was good.

Three Simple Words

Have you ever heard something over and over again, almost like a song getting stuck in your head but not.  You hear the specific thing on TV, from friends, on the radio, even in your dreams.  Life is giving you a sign, a message that you need to take heed to and stop ignoring or it will just get louder and louder.  Well, this has been happening to me over and over again with 3 simple words.  Not 'I love you.'  Not 'Go to bed,' although I would love that to be them so I could get more rest.  Not 'Get a job,' I have one of those keeping me Just Over Broke.  My three simple words haunting my days and nights lately have been 'Make the Change.'

I am trying to figure just what part of my life needs a change and in looking at it, it seems that many areas of my life do.  There are so many points of pain in my world that cause me stress and grief, exhaustion and negativity, even frustration and annoyance that I must start reevaluating what I do with my time, yes MY TIME which is all of the seconds, minutes and hours in every day I have on this earth and start utilizing those to better my life instead of worrying about and working on everyones problems except my own.

My life has become a routine of get out of bed, let out the dogs, make coffee, write in my blog while listening to purring cats (this only happens when the dogs are out), let the dogs back in (off with the cats), start working (wondering why I do this 5 days a week and seem to get nowhere for a company that doesn't appreciate me in the least little bit as has been proven by not giving me a raise in more years than my dogs have been on this earth), then depending on the day either off to the pool hall to take out some frustration on little balls by smacking them with sticks or do some art or something at home, after which depending on the time either wasting time watching the boob tube or drifting off to sleep.  Wow, I just described most of my life in one very long run-on sentence.  How depressing is that?

Now that I have finally started listening to the voice in my head instead of pushing it off out of fear, I have got to get started on making the changes in my world that will help me LIVE again instead of just existing in a hum-bum life that gives little joy.  To begin this process, I will start by listing all the points of pain in my life, like a pros and cons list of the things I do each day and determine if they have value to add or not.  From there I will make a plan of action for each that does not better my life either by fixing the issues causing problems or eliminating them all together.  I am almost fifty years old (wow, I just admitted that out loud), having spent the better part of my life caring for everyone else and putting myself on the shelf to wait for a time when I could work on me.  The time is now to fix that.  The time to sit idly by and allow others to use me and walk all over me is no longer.  Time to take back what is mine and make it work better for me.  

One other thing I must do is stop feeling guilty for thinking of myself first.  I am in aw of those who were able to grow up without that little guilt monster riding on their shoulder telling them how bad they are for doing something for themselves.  I am sure that little monster was placed on my shoulder by my mother in all the years she was a part of my life telling me how worthless I was and how I would never amount to anything.  That wears on a person, stunting the growth possibilities and making it harder to achieve success.  No, I am not blaming her for where I am today.  I am where I am today in spite of her and what she did and I am damn proud of it.  Now I just have to squash the little guilt monster she helped build so I can achieve even more.

 I am ready to live, ready to be happy in most if not all of my minutes and since no one is going to do it for me I will have to do it for myself.  Time to pull up the big-girl pants and just do it.  I do now need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up too as that will help guide my next steps.  

Step 1...

           

Happy Trees

Art, without it you would have no earth. Art makes the world go round. Every child is an artist, the problem is how to remain an artist when they grow up. 

So many quotes about art, about how amazing art is, how art is a release, etc.  One of my favorite quotes about art is "Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time. - Thomas Merton."  For me, this quote is so true.  In creating something artistic, whether it be a painting, a piece of jewelry or even a blanket (yes, I am still attempting to crochet but right now it looks more like a large washcloth), the creator is able to put a piece of themselves into the art.  They are expressing how they feel in their work and for every piece of work, their are feelings.  When someone looks at my work, I do not care if they like it or not. I did not make it for them to like it, I make my works for them to feel something.  If they feel, my work is done.

Take the most famous painting of all time, The Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci.  This piece of work has been viewed and discussed over the centuries.  Is she smiling?  Is she smirking?  Was this a painting of a lady, Lisa del Giocondo, who it is said was the subject as this piece was commissioned for her husband, or was it a combination of many people merged together in the mnd and brush of the artist.  This is one of many discussions over this painting over the years.  As good art should, it provoked discussion, thought, and feelings.

Even Mother Nature gets involved in the arts.  Take sunrise and sunset for example.  Every day a new canvas is painted in our skys.  Each one is different and each one makes the viewers feel something.  Now you can call it Gods work or Mother Nature or something else, I'm not going to debate that here but if you choose to view it and feel something, you have experienced art.  If you take a photo of it to capture or share, you have taken part in creating something artistic.  Now I am positive I just sent some snooty artists into a frenzy by that last statement, even I have been told I am not an artist because I have not been properly 'schooled', have not paid for classes being taught by snooty artists so I cannot call myself an artist but I do.  I am not a snooty artist. I feel everyone can create art and those who choose to look down their noses at others just because they did not pay for years of stuffy classroom teachings to learn the proper techniques are just snooty artists jealous of those who didn't need the classroom but I digress.  

I will leave you with one thought.  Take time to stop and see the art in your world.  Take time to create something that makes you hapy or feel something.  Share with the world the art within you and feel the release.  Art is everywhere.  Enjoy it.

Back to Work

There is something kind of depressing about the first day back from work after a vacation.  Thousands of emails to be read, lots of work to catch up on because it wasn't done in your absense.  Yea, it all kind of sucks...but one of my thoughts of change for this year is to find a more positive spin on things that suck...so here goes.

As I sit here in the silence of the morning drinking my first cup of coffee (no, I didn't add the good Irish Cream although I really considered it), I do have to be thankful that I do not have to get ready to 'go' to work and can just stay in my pj's on the couch where I am comfy warm and cozy.  All I have to do is boot up the ol' laptop and login. There is a positive for the day.  The rest, I am positive will suck. 

Honestly, there is only so much positive a person can have about the first day back to work after a vacation.  The fact that I had to put in many hours on my vacation because people couldn't do my job is beside the point. 

Outside of work, I am happy to say I have taken on two new types of artistic outlets.  First, I taught myself to crochet, so far just a simple stitch but hey, have made a very nice, very large washcloth.  Hoping it turns out to be the hooded scarf I have invisioned but if not, it will at least serve as a puppy blanket. 

The other is moving from acrylics to oils.  I am hoping to skip down the Bob Ross trail and follow some of his videos to see how I like oils.  I played with them a little over the weekend without Bob's help and think this could be somewhat fun.  But we shall see what kind of mess I can get into. They do take quite a long time to dry so for someone who hates to wait, this could prove to be a challenge but I'm up for the task. 

If you are still reading, yes, this is kind of a mess of a blog today but as I have had writers block and need to remove it, I have read many times that the best way to help with that is to just write whatever comes to the tips of your fingers until something starts to form again.  Still waiting for the forming but hopefully by tomorrow I will be able to write something more than my thoughts on going back to work.  UGH!

Til then, have a blessed day.

Starting a New Chapter

The beginning of a new year is a chance to begin something new.  The chance to start fresh, write a new chapter in your story, have a different view.  It's not that anything has physically changed except the page of a calendar yet many look at it as a jumping off point for a new beginning.  I, too, am one of those who sees the new year as a fresh start.  So, here goes.

I am not going to write New Year's Resolutions so much as give myself thoughts to hold onto through out the year to better myself and my situation, to become more of who I feel I am supposed to be and do more of what I fell I should be doing at this point in my story.  These are not going to be things I share with others, they are not for display.  These will be things I hold deep inside until time to release them to the universe.

Resolutions seem to be just things people say and try to do for a short time until it becomes too tiring or boring or they just give up and go back to the same old thing only to try again the following year.  I have fallen into that same group who fails within a month or so and looks back feeling defeated.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  It is almost like setting ourselves up for failure.

Instead this year I have written things I wish to do that are not just the same old thing.  Instead these are more attainable, more personally connected to where I want to go so hopefully this year will be different.  Nine things that I hope to keep inside to give myself daily reminders of what I want and where I want to be, moving steadily toward who I want to become.

The time is now to start something new, to work towards a new and better me, to focus on what I want instead of worrying about what I can't fix, what others think, and do only what is good for me and pointing myself towards the goals I have set for myself.  Today is the day of new beginnings.  Today is day 1.