No Early rise on Day 7 - Emotional...a day late

Emotional overload is all I can say to explain the evening of Day 6 which was one of many reasons for not rising early today and why it is now being published technically on Day 8.  When you add too much wine with lots of talking and open discussion, it can cause unexpected and unplanned waterworks. It also caused a lot of pauses in the writing of this posting.  Life happens.

The thing about our history, those years that have made up who we are today, those memories come with lots of emotions attached. The way we felt when a child was born is an amazing memory that brings a smile.  Their first step, first tooth, first grade, first love, all of their firsts are your firsts too.

Unfortunately life also brings lots of firsts we never want to experience.  Even worse is when those firsts come way too early in life.  For me, those firsts were compounded with little support.  As a child, I lost 2 of my family members at the tender age of 6.  My great-gramma and my granddaddy, two of my relatives that were very much a part of my early world passed that year, showing me just how harsh life can be sometimes.  Yes, it is the circle of life, however that is of little comfort to a child who has just lost a large part of what they new as their family circle.

I have since lost many others over the years.  One I had no way of ever even preparing for was the lost of my husband towards the end of my 28th year.  This not only was going to effect me but my young children, who were now experiencing loss at the ages of 6 and 3.  To make sure that they had the support that I did not, to make sure that they were able to deal with it but be supported through all their years to come and be strong in spite of not having a very important piece of a normal childhood, I put my grieving on hold.  This allowed me to be strong for them, to help them thrive as best they could.  Not easy, but after a while, the shield I put around my emotions towards that awful day did its job allowing me to live day by day and raise my children as a widow, filling the shoes of both mom and dad.

Nineteen years later, once I felt my job was complete, my emotional dam broke.  Now I know most parents are thinking as they are reading this, 'a parent's job is never done' and I fully agree with you but in my mind it was finally time to release those emotions, the grieving process that I had never allowed myself to go through.  That's right, I pushed pause and now life decided it was time to push play and continue the grieving process that had been held off for so many years.  I found myself tearing up at the smallest things.  The worst was forcing myself to sit and listen fully to the song I had played at his funeral.  Now when I hear it my heart feels comforted, however it was not that way for many years. I also found that talking about it, even just about the anniversary or the amount of years that had since passed causes wells of tears to form.  Grief rears its ugly head when you least expect it and many do not understand that there is no magical number for how many years you grieve for someone.  There is no limit to how many times a widow will feel the sadness of the loss of a spouse.  Compound that with the post traumatic stress from finding your love after, it's just something that may never go away completely.  Time does not heal all wounds, it just puts a padding around them so they are not as sensitive, but the padding can be thinned by other life experiences.

Now coming to the end of year 21 I still find myself sad and emotional when I hear that song, but also comforted, emotional when I think back on all the time we did have together (the good and the bad), and yes I still tear up here and there but it comes in small spurts now instead of massive floods.  The emotions are also felt when reliving all of the years I got to spend raising my children in to the wonderful and successful adults they now are, confident in who they are becoming and knowing their father would be so very proud, as I am. 

I am writing this not only to get it out of my mind but also to share that there is no grief calendar, no limit to how long it lasts or how long it is felt.  To those who told me that I had to stop considering myself a widow and just be single, telling me that enough time had passed and I had to 'move on', I hope you never experience a loss so traumatic and you can stay sheltered in your ignorance.

Early to rise - Day 6 - Almost but not quite

WOW...I have almost made it to a full week of this.  I have not done all I had planned to in those first 6 days, but I'm proud that I have done much of it.  Change is not an overnight thing and trying to change many things at once can cause failure, but changing one or two, even a few at a time will allow you to get used to the changes then implement more down the road.  I am super happy with my start.  I did notice that yesterday I apparently could not count.  I have since corrected  yesterday's title to show day 5, not day 4 do-over.

Today I want to discuss failure.  What does it mean to fail?  The way I see it, failure only happens when someone stops trying.  If you are trying to do something, striving to reach a goal, moving with forward momentum towards a finish line, you will not fail until you no longer try.  Even if it takes you longer than expected or if your goal moves or changes, as long as you are moving towards something, you have not failed.

In today's society it seems that everyone looks at things as a pass or fail, black or white, even good and bad.  They forget that in the there are the inbetweens.  There are the grays and the ok's.  Taking life at such a strict level as not to see that would limit your ability to appreciate those things which are not perfect, and let's face it.  Nothing is perfect.

Striving for perfection is not a bad thing, it is a way to measure, however, feeling as if you have failed when not reaching it is since it is impossible to reach. Failure only comes when you quit trying to reach perfection.

Well, time for me to continue to reach for my goals.  Until tomorrow, blessed be.

Early to rise - Day 5 - Not so early this time

Think I spoke too soon yesterday morning.  I realized this as I woke up about 30 minutes later this morning than planned.  No, I didn't set the dreaded alarm clock.  As I have mentioned before, I find those things just annoying and intrusive.  I was out late last night and honestly went to bed late so ended up sleeping in a bit longer than planned.  Oh well.  Life happens.

That is one thing that I think I will write about today.  Life happens.  I used to think that it was Sh*t Happens but found that to be a negative way of looking at it.  In the past year or two I have been trying to focus my thoughts on all positive things, knowing negative was out there but deciding for me I would just focus on the positive side regardless.  Here are some examples of how I do this.

If the clouds are darkening and rain is forming overhead, instead of thinking about it as "my day is ruined", "my plans have to change because it's going to rain", I look at the clouds and see that even tho they are dark, where the sun shines behind them they are white, almost having the proverbial silver lining, choosing to see the glow and know that the rain will cool off the temperature, will brighten the green in the grasses and plants, and will smell refreshing.

I think that in doing this, I am telling myself and the universe that regardless of how things are happening, I am going to just deal with it and focus on the lighter side, the positive side.  It really does make it easier to move through some of the not so pleasant things that happen.  Focusing on the positive works with people too.  Even tho someone really gets on your nerves, you can us this technique when having to deal with them.  I will say sometimes it is harder than other times but giving it a try can't hurt.  I am not perfect and there are times I forget to try but more often than not, I do.

Sharing the positive also helps others feel the effects as well.  For example, going to a store, standing in line, watching people put their items on a conveyor belt waiting to be checked out so they can get out and go on their own path can be tedious.  Next time, try striking up a conversation with the person in front or behind you.  It can make the time you are standing there a little less boring, painful, and annoying.  Cracking a joke will lighten the mood and make it seem less like just standing there and more like meeting a new person and enjoying the moment.  Also, catch the name of the cashier or teller and instead of ignoring them and rushing through the transaction, say hi to them by name.  You will be surprised just how much that little gesture can make their day a little brighter.  You will see them smile a bit at being acknowledged for who they are, not just the job they are doing.

It only takes a second to brighten your day and others.  Smiles are free yet they are priceless when you share them.

Early to rise Day 4 - The simple things

This morning as I woke up I realized a few things.  First, I forgot to set my alarm to wake up early.  This was not on purpose, just apparently forgot.  I did wake up about the same time as I did yesterday and the day before but without my mind remembering to wake before that horrid noise interrupted my sleep.  I just did it.  Nice feeling that was.

Second, I am almost half way through my first phase of my transformation, my new habit forming phase.  This is still exciting and starting to be less painful. I am enjoying the silence of my morning before the world wakes up. I am taking advantage of those peaceful moments to listen to my hypnosis to better myself.  I am creating affirmations to remind myself of who I am, who I want to be, and what I can become.  I am writing again. I forgot how much I really enjoyed writing.  Not only on this blog but actually putting pen to paper.  Such a feeling that just warms my soul being able to pour my feelings and thoughts on to a piece of paper.  I am being able to visualize what I want, who I want to be, and where I want my life to lead.  This is exciting.

Third, how precious the little things really are.  As I finished my meditation this morning, stood from my seat, stretched, then went to open the blinds on the windows and let in the morning glow, I stopped and smiled as I looked at my little bird feeder.  The thing I was looking forward to today was watching my little visitor, a little hummingbird that has found my feeder and been visiting regularly the past few days.  It appears to be keeping this tidbit of information all to itself as no others have visited.  This little bird has almost had half of the contents in my feeder so far.  I am amazed at how graceful it is, how calming it is to watch it drink the sweet sugar water, and how agile it is, bouncing from flower to flower on the base of the feeder.  The simple things just make such an impact, a positive impact.

Taking time to visualize myself lying on a beach, feeling the warmth of the sand under my body and the sun on my skin, the smell of the ocean, the sound of the waves as they hit the beach, the gulls overhead squawking as they communicate with others.  So relaxing it is to just go away, even if only in my mind.  It really is the simple things.

 Today, I hope that those who read this also take time to, as everyone says, smell the roses.  Stop and take in all the things we overlook in our busy days, rushing around from thing to thing like birds to a flower.  Realize how beautiful everything in around us and just allow yourself to enjoy each second that builds each minute that builds each hour of your day.  Those are the things you will never get back so take full advantage of them and live every second.

Off to watch my little visitor.

Early to rise - Day 3 - Rough start

Hmmm...it's day 3, Wednesday, and honestly I am struggling a bit.  Not so sure it is because it's early but more because I woke with a sore throat.  Kind of feels like someone choked me in my sleep...but not going to dive into that here.  That will be for a totally different blog. LOL

So, this morning in my first hour slot I changed it up.  Didn't get the glass of water as I was supposed to...went straight to coffee after letting the dogs out.  I also didn't follow my own instructions and jumped right into work.  Just a little, starting an online party for one of my hosts as I kind of forgot to do a few things yesterday.  Oh well.  now I can focus on my morning even though it got off to a rocky start.  

Positive thinking is the way to go.  Well, today I am positive that I hate alarm clocks.  My mind woke me a lot too early this morning as I rolled over to see 2:22 AM on the clock.  I growled and rolled back over and went back to sleep only to have my weird dream rudely interrupted by the noise at 5:25 AM.  UGH, I really hate alarm clocks.  Must make a mental note to change that ringer to something more pleasant.  I thought Morning Glory would be ok, the gentle chiming of bells in a rhythmic fashion but as I found when it started this morning, I wanted to throw my phone across the room.  Yes, I really do hate alarm clocks!!! 

I am only 3 days into this Miracle Morning routine I am trying to build but as mentioned above, only took 3 days to fail at it.  Not that I am giving up, just realizing that my mind and body are going to fight me a bit on this.  I am still doing my journaling (this blog), and I will do my exercises (later when I'm awake) and I will meditate when I am a little more awake too (probably my hypnosis which sounds kind of good right now because I am pretty sure I kind of sleep thru it...ha).  Promise myself I will try better tomorrow.  After all, it does take about 30 days to make a habit and 30 days to break one too, so I will do this.  Just having to break habits I have been forming now for 49 years and recreate the wheel in my mind.  That in itself sounds exhausting.  Can that be my exercise for the day?  Probably not, that's probably cheating.  Oh well, off to get another cup-o-joe.  Will be here, hopefully earlier tomorrow. 

Early rise Day 2, Yoga Day 1

Today in my journey to self improvement I started my day with a glass of water, before coffee of course, then listened to a bit of my audio book of The Miracle Morning, which I highly recommend.  I then moved on to a hypnosis that I have been doing as meditation.

After that, feeling ready to add a new routine to my morning power hour I set my TV to Session 1 of the 30 Days of Yoga to a New You.  Well, I made it through about 15 minutes of the 24 minute session before deciding I was done.  I sure hope that in 30 days I can bend like that woman on the video.  Of course, I would have to lose a lot of my gut and ass and find my abs before that will happen too.  That is one of my goals.  However, I didn't know that on my first attempt at yoga, I would become nauseous.  Not good...not good at all.

So, now here I sit doing the next part of my morning routine, writing down my thoughts and feelings.  Maybe I should postpone my morning coffee until after my yoga session.  Maybe I should not try to put my head into my knees on the first attempt.  Maybe my body isn't supposed to bend like that pencil-shaped woman on the TV screen does.  Hmmm...all the things that went through my mind trying that yoga thing.  Oh, and let's not forget the plank.  Seriously?  On the first session you try to introduce me to plank?  Are you insane?  My idea of plank is laying flat on my belly, not standing on my toes and palms.  My plank probably looked more like one half of the McDonald's arches.  Maybe we should forget plank on the first session. Oh well, maybe some day my body will do that too...when I become a pencil.

Goal:  Become a pencil.

Early rise Day 1 - Butterfly confusion

This is my early rise day 1.  I started The Miracle Morning audio book last week and have decided that I would try to implement the things I am learning to improve myself.  One thing that I have found is that my sub conscience hates alarm clocks.  My brain wakes me 5-15 minutes before the alarm, I assume so I don't have to hear it.  How funny is that.

Well, after dawning on my gym clothes (work attire...I do love working from home), I head down stairs, grab a glass of water (another new thing), then make my first cup of heaven (yes, that's coffee for those who don't know me yet).  I then sat down to start putting into practice some of the things I have been learning.  This morning...Journaling.  So here goes.

I went to Powell Gardens in Missouri this past weekend and wanted to share this beautiful yet adorably confused blue butterfly. The reason I say adorably confused is that the fabulously large, pink flower with which it came to rest and tried to dine on was actually a poster of a flower.  It sat there for quite sometime trying to drink the nectar, allowing me to capture this and a few other gorgeous photos of it and all it's beauty.  Thank you to the person who decided they needed a poster of a big pink flower.  It worked great for me.