#80 - Keep Your Ewies to Yourself

To those who seem to think that it's ok to go out in public sick, sneezing and coughing all over the world without any care to those of us also out in public, I curse you.  I hope that you keep getting it back over and over again until you learn not to share.

Yes, I know that is harsh but come on, I was healthy until some sneezing, coughing idiot decided to bring his ewies out into public and infect all those who were unlucky enough to be around him of which I was one.  If you have to work, call in sick.  If you have to do something like, I don't know, an appointment at the car dealership to have work done on your car, RESCHEDULE.  Those of us stuck in the same incubator, I mean waiting room, would have appreciated it if you had.  It's just common courtesy.  I know, I know, common courtesy died along with common sense.  I just wish it wasn't true.

What, you ask?  Oh yes, many it seems have completely lost all 'give a crap' for anyone else.  They go through their days with one person in mind only, themselves, and all others don't matter to them at all.  They go out and spread their germs with not a care in the world for others. 

Did you know that the germ cloud you spew, up to a water bottle worth of mucus, when you sneeze travels up to 35 meters per second?  The biggest droplets within your germy gas cloud of ick can travel up to 2 meters away.  Oh and let's not forget the smaller drips, they can travel up to 8 meters away.  All this fasinating information can be found online by searching like I did for 'how big is the germ cloud from a sneeze'.  All this disgusting information is readily available.  Now, anyone got a gas mask?

After looking up all this disgusting facts that make me want to hermit myself even more, I have come to one conclusion.  STAY HOME IF YOUR SICK.  Think of all the poor souls you can be saving by taking time out of your busy schedule to get healthy.  We will stop cursing you.

Thanks in advance!

#79 - Tis the Season of Giving

Do you know how it feels to give a gift to someone, that warm feeling inside.  Volunteering gives the same type of feeling, that warm, fill-you-up-with-goodness-inside feeling that you just can't get anywhere else.  The feeling that no matter what is going on in your life, no matter how much extra money you can spare, giving of your time is something that is free and so rewarding.  Filling food boxes after major weather events, gathering food in food drives, donating my spare time to help at the food bank or cooking and feeding the homeless were things I felt compelled to do.  I even got the children involved when they were little donating all the still good but outgrown toys so other children could enjoy them too.  We didn't have much, but more than some and having been homeless for a time, I felt compelled to help as much as possible.

After the death of my husband when we were new to being a family of 3 and income of 1, when things were super tight and paying bills and buying the bare necessities for meals was about all I could afford and the thought of not having things for the children to open on Christmas morning was a probability, I was given a special surprise.  Someone who knew my children and the situation had stepped up and gathered a handful of toys and had them wrapped and left them at our home in a big box.  The message inside just a simple Merry Christmas and the gifts with the children's names on them.  I do not know who had put my children on a list but some special angel did and each had a handful of thoughtful and fun gifts for them to open.  My heart while broken by all that had happened a couple months earlier had been filled by the love of strangers the moment I needed most.  Just the little gifts, not expensive, but priceless in my mind.

Over the years, while I continued to struggle financially but got back on my feet enough to make living a little easier, having a home and food on the table for my children, and being able to afford a little extra at times, I have tried to pay it forward.  There is something heartwarming about being able to help someone in need.  I'm not talking about throwing money at the corner beggars.  Half the time I figure they have some expensive car waiting around the corner for them to drive to their expensive homes in.  I'm talking about those who are just down on their luck needing a little help.  Most of those will be too proud to ask or if they do, they only ask for their children and for the absolute minimum they really need.  Or maybe helping with big projects for people who have lost everything due to fire or some other horrible natural disaster.  There are so many who really do just need a little help, just a hand to get back to some sense of normalcy. 

This time of year, the holiday season when so many are spending hundreds if not more on gifts for themselves and their loved ones, it is nice to be able to help.  Dropping money in the kettle in front of the stores, buying gifts for those who have less, just being able to help gives the giver such a warm  feeling.  I believe that we shouldn't wait til the end of the year to help, if able help all year round, but doing it at the holidays will brighten your season as well as others.  Take the time to give a little if you can, even if just sharing a smile or donating unused items to a charitible organization.  It will help brighten up your season as well as those receiving. 

#78 - Can you feel me?

The house was cold and still, not a noise to be heard.  Alone, silent, afraid to move lying in the bed he made of his own fears and anger.  The house knew.  Those left behind knew, yes, they knew what he had done, what he had said, how he had acted.  It was no secret, not to them.  The house had its secrets and he had to live with them.

Steve, one of the houses permanent residents, previous owner and now forever occupying the space where he took his last breath, forever walking the halls of the home he once heard the laughter of his children in as they played.  He would never leave. This was his home.  His home he would now have to share with others who came after him and tried to call it their own.  The big question...could he allow them to live there in peace, or better yet, would he?

A strong, tall, slender man who held his head high as a proud man, Steve was always the life of the party, the friendly voice greeting everyone he met.  He was a gentle soul, a loving father, a doating husband, the man who everyone could rely on to do whatever was needed.  Loved life, loved his family. He was the man who seemed to have everything and who loved his son with every last breath he had.  

His son, a miniature version of the father, the light of his life, his reason for living after his wife had passed.  He had grown up to be a wonderful young man, so full of life, with so much going for him, big plans and dreams.  Plans to be like his father yet his own man.  Plans cut short as his life was snuffed out ever so suddenly.  Loss.  The sharp knife cutting deep into the heart of his father as he passed.  Life ceased to have any meaning now for Steve.  The light in his eyes had faded, his smile forever turned down following the tears that escaped him. 

A father is not supposed to bury his child, especially not his son who was to be the one who carried on the family name, the legacy now lost with one fell swoop.  This proud man now broken, a shadow of who he was, wallowing in sorrow, smile burried with his child.  He lost his will to live, his reason, his purpose.  Nothing was left for him on this earth, no reason, no care,  nothing but heartbreak and pain was left inside him.  

Another day, another painful day.  Every night in his dreams he relived happier days with his family, the sounds of children playing and laughing, his heart filled with joy, holding on so tight only to wake and find it was all gone.  His life now filled with darkness and gloom.  Why was he still here?  What was the reason to go on?  He no longer had answers to those questions.  He no longer cared.  Having lost all hope, heart shattered, he made up his mind.  His time was done. Just had to finish one last thing.

He prepared the rope, knot tied tight and noose high to insure it would be quick.  No need for a letter, no one to write to.  His pain filled heart would beat one last time, one last breath would leave his body, one last thought, one last tear.  Soon he would be free of this pain, no longer alone, with his beloved family, or so he thought.  One last sound, the chair slapping the floor as he knocked it down to complete his final task, or was that the sound of his neck snapping as the weight of his body fell.  

Alive no longer, Steve now walks the hallway of his once family home, looking for the loves he has lost yet never finding them.  He is forever alone, interacting with those who move in to make the house their new home.  He wants to leave but can't, wants to find his family but they are long gone from this earth.  Alone, still heartbroken.  

Now his days and nights, time meaning nothing to him, are spent watching the life happening with the new families in his home.  He tries to interact with those around him, only instead causing fear and pain.  Does he mean to?  Is it how he shows his feelings now?  Invading the dreams of those who now live there, causing cold spaces when he is angry.  He also likes to play, running his fingers through the hair of the ladies that find themselves alone there.  He misses his wife, his child, his old life.  Now he waits for opportunities to be seen and heard again.  He is learning.  

Do you feel him, hear him, see him?  If not yet, just wait.  You will.

#77 - Monday, Monday...ugh!

Well, it is the first day after a week off from work and I must get my bum in gear to start back to the grind.  My mind is fighting me all the way as it has no desire, neither does my heart or soul.  Oh how I wish I could retire from my job and start doing what I really want to do...not nearly old enough to even think that thought tho.  Guess I must play the lottery instead.

There are days when I wish I was a little more of a risk taker.  Having had to be the  'adult' in every situation my entire life, I never got the chance to just take the risk and see what happened. I always had someone relying on me to pay the bills, put food on the table, keep a roof over our heads.  Even when I was little, I was the one who had to make sure the others got fed and off to school.  My parental guidance was missing in action.  I had no roll model to learn from so I did what I felt needed to be done, giving no time for trying new things.  If I had one thing I regretted from my childhood it was having real parents who cared enough to really be there as parents and do their jobs!

Not that I am unhappy, not for a second.  I love what I have in my life now and wouldn't change it for the world.  Early on after my husband passed and after I survived my cancer scare, life looked incredibly short in comparison to how it looked before.  I did take a big risk.  With the help of a friend who had the same passion as I did, we opened a restaurant.  It was amazing to put our love of coffees and baked goods into our daily business and survive.  It was also but so worth it.  One of those things I could scratch off the old bucket-list.

Since then I have had other small businesses.  My art and photography would be what I would love to do fulltime but living where I do, I have not found a way to make them profitable enough to live on and honestly I don't want to be a starving artist.  I like to play and travel too much.  I still have people relying on me to be able to help when needed so that is not as much of an option as I would like.  As I said, I need to win the lottery.  Or...

Maybe I need to learn to take the risk.  I need to figure out what I can cut from my life to allow more to risk so in the future I can focus on mainly what I love instead of wasting hours of my day for a company who only knows me as a number and could care less if I am financially stable or successful.  They care only about their bottom line. Nothing about the minions who do the daily grind to make them that money.  Why is it corporate America has lost sight of the people who actually do the work?  Is it all companies or just the ones I have worked for that don't seem to care?  They don't give raises when they should even if you get highest marks on reviews.  The insurance they offer is so bad that we pay for it only so we don't get penalized for not having it yet hope we never have to use it because we couldn't afford the deductible due to never getting the raises to get us to a livable wage.  Is this the norm now in Corporate America?  It makes me sad for all college kids coming into Corporate America now with hundreds of thousands in school loans not knowing that this is what it is really like.

Well, guess this is where I sign off for the day so I can log into my corporate America job and start my daily grind.  Some day I will learn to take that risk, that leap of faith in myself and do what I love instead of what pays bills, sort of.

#76 - Introverted or Extroverted

Introvert or Extrovert.  Why is it that we put people into one of two categories.  I recently found an article that made so much more sense than trying to fit round pegs into square holes.  Not every person is so perfectly formed that they just fit.  Why does everything have to be black or white.  What about all the different hues in the world of color.  It is the same with personality types.  You can be an extroverted introvert or an introverted extrovert.  Each of us is unique.  I can honestly say I fit into the introverted extrovert.  Here are some of the reasons why.

Shy:  When in a group of my friends, people I know, I can be very outspoken, however when I am in a group of people I do not know I can be more on the shy side.  I have always called it acting like wallpaper, hanging around to decide if I want to participate or just leave.  I know, my friends are going to fall over reading this but it's true. 

Secretive:  As for sharing, while I can seem like an open book, I keep many secrets close to the vest.  There are so many things about me that very few know and even some none do.  In my life, I have seen so much pain, experienced so many things that others just couldn't comprehend.  I have always said that Stephen King, my favorite author as a kid, could get ideas from my life for a book.  Maybe someday I will write my story and let it out, but until then those secrets will stay tightly locked away where I can protect them.

Vulnerable:  Only those closest will ever know my vulnerabilities.  To most I seem like a rock but very few will ever get close enough to really know me. Most will just see what I want them to see and no more. I have always found that those who get real close, close enough to see the softer side, seem to either be those I want in my world or those who hurt me.  Even as recent as 2 days ago this came to be true.

Homebody:  I love to socialize. While I look forward to getting out with friends to do things like go to the movies, play pool, visit new restaurants, I have no problem staying home chilling and doing my own thing.  Home equals safety.

Socially Limiting: This is one I am trying to expand on but I still find myself trying to limit my social obligations to things I can control.

Smalltalk is Wasted Breath:  Well, this is kind of true.  While I do like to talk on the phone sometimes, there are other times that I just roll my eyes and get annoyed.  Small talk is the killer of conversations.  I am very good at it but it is really rather boring.  I don't mind it so much with those I love because I can read through it to hear and feel what is going on with them.

Love and Dislike People:  I have been saying for years that I like 4-leggers better than 2.  I usually said it with a laugh but it is honestly true.  While I love being around people I get annoyed with them at the same time.  Typically it is strangers that are most annoying, like crowds in a mall or at concerts or other large groups.  This is one main reason I truly love my alone time which is apparenty is a killer of relationships, or so my last would leave me to believe.  I guess it is not a good idea to ask for space.

Silence is Golden:  Even tho I tend to have music or TV or something else making noise in my world most of the time, that is background nosie. Silence is precious.  Even the sound of a Neuton's cradle in motion is therapeutic. There are moments when listening to something as simple as my breath or the ticking of a clock or the sound of wind is enough.  It doesn't mean anything is wrong, just enjoying the peace that is around.  While being the energy and drive is what I am known to be, needing to recharge is a requirement.  Sitting silently on a beach listening to the waves slap the sand, the guls flying overhead and the winds wisking by is my favorite place to return to myself.

Master of Putting off Answering:  When I read this, I found it to be quite funny because this is part of what caused a recent relationship to fail.  I had no idea this was part of being an introverted extrovert but apparently it is why I get overwhelmed by the pressure of having to respond sometimes so I just put it off.  Yes, this happened and apparently it is a bad thing.

Love Too Easy:  This is a curse.  Rose colored glasses and all, seeing only the good sides and ignoring the bad that will eventually hurt me.  

Born to Lead but may not want to:  It really depends on what it is as to whether or not I want to lead it.  I have, I can, but in many instances I just don't want to.  

Always have an Escape Plan:  This is probably the most accurate of all.  I always know how to leave, have it planned just in case.  Being that I have been through so much, I just plan ahead so I can survive whatever the situation.  

Reading into the different types, the greys of the personality types, has been an interesting lesson and made so much sense.  It also gave me a better understanding of other people I have met and gotten to know.

#75 - True Colors

It's funny how when given enough time people show their true colors regardless of how they try to hide them.

As said in songs and poems, we all wear masks to hide our true selves.  For whatever reason, we don't want the world to see.  Whether it be to hide the truth or shield ourselves from those who would wish us harm, we hide.  It can also be a product of our past like a wall built to protect from the pain people inflict on each other or it can be to weasle in and do harm. 

Recently I was shown the man behind the mask worn by someone who claimed to love me.  It is ironic how quickly that four letter word, love, is shattered into a million pieces by other words and actions. Civility flew out the window with this man's last words to my son who was trying to defend his mom.  True colors shown brightly at that moment.

Now, quite positive that I made the right decision to remove him from my world, life continues.  As I have come to find there is almost always a silver lining to every cloud.  Yesterday's events, while they angered me at the time, have actually helped me in that I will never look back and wonder what if because I have been given the answer.  This was a gift, disguised in meaness but I will look at it as a gift none the less.

Lesson learned:  Always listen to your gut.  It sees what your eyes cannot.