#74 - All I can do is hope

I have been staring at the screen for the past few days, ok almost a week, feeling at a loss of what to write.  It has been a rollercoaster of a week with emotions hitting highs and lows, drama trying to enter my world, and decisions about my future lingering in my brain seeming to clog up the works.  With a welcome week off from my daily grind, I have been trying to recover some of my sanity and peace by bringing back into my world luscious foods and the beauty of art.  Keeping myself hunkered down away from all the craziness just outside my door.

It seems that with the days and weeks leading up to the holidays, the holidays themselves, and all the insanity that goes with them we seem to lose sight of what is truly important.  It isn't the money we spend or the gifts we buy.  It isn't being the first to have something or the one who gets the most.  Why is it that our society has put such an importance on the frivolous things instead of what should be at the top?  Media and big-box stores create feeding frenzies over the must-have stuff, making the holidays about shopping instead of spending time with friends and family, and even causing riots and fights in the stores by limiting the amount of those must-haves.  I even watched a video from a store of an adult taking a toy out of the hands of a child and then dancing around with it while the child stood there in shock.  What in the hell is wrong with people today that material things would make such animals out of them?

As I watch the news, see the feeds online, and witness with my own eyes the insanity that is infecting people during the season, I am sad about how so many people are infected with this greed and stupidity.  We have gone from political ads all over the TV, news and mail (inbox and snail-mail) to ads and mailers selling us on crap we don't need but they make us feel we have to have.  Every ad selling us more and more 'stuff'.  What will it take to remind people what the holidays should be about, not what media and retail giants have made it?

Now, to be clear, this is not a religious plug.  While I was brought up being spoonfed christianity, it is not part of my world so I am not going to discuss what people see as the religious side of the holidays.  To me, the holidays are for giving gifts from the heart and soul, meals with friends, sharing good will, helping those in need, and giving to those who have less.  This is when we should stop thinking about ourselves and help those less fortunate.  Something as simple as sharing a smile or giving a hug can brighten someone's day and give them a warmth from the inside that no store can sell.  Instead of literally fighting with each other over the last toy or sale item in the store we should be trying to help one another.  How is it that so many people have grown so callused, unable to see what they are doing is hurting others?  They are so self-absorbed they can't see how their actions affect those around them.  Parents sending messages to their children that it is ok to be greedy and take what you want and that having is more important than giving.

It is these things that make me sad about the holidays.  Sad that in our country so many have chosen to be all about money instead of helping our fellow man.  All about judging people who may not have as much as others instead of trying to assist them in becoming more.  Trying to keep up with the Jones' of the world instead of being grateful for and content with what we have.  I don't know if society can be fixed.  I don't have a magic wand big enough or spell strong enough to fix what has been broken inside those who have grown to be so self-centered and self-serving.  All I can do is hope that some day those people will be gone and those who come after will have more heart and soul and see what is truly important.  All I can do is hope...

#73 - Turkey-day

There are several days a year when Americans do the similar or the same thing. Today is one of those days. In my family I can remember this day being pretty much the same since I was a little girl and my gramma would get up early on turkey-day, get the bird in the oven  super early then start prepping all the sides, or as they were known in our house, the fixins.  Yea, it was a southern thing.

Remembering those days brings a warm feeling to my soul and a smile to my heart.  My gramma, what a classy lady she was, full of life and spunk, beautiful yet humble, sweet as can be but stern when needed.  She was everything I wanted to be when I grew up. 

As the only real role model I had since my own mother was, well that's another story, my gramma gave me the strength I needed to endure pretty much anything. I can remember many dinners at her house, many times I helped her prepping for those meals and cleaning up after. I can remember watching her make pies and other yummies and hoping that some day I could do them just as good as she did.  Getting elbow deep in flour and making messes while trying to help but learning as much as I could.  Those were the days I want to hold onto from my childhood.

That spunky lady even went on after divorcing my grandfather in her 50s to go back to school, something he would not allow her to do when they were married, and get her nursing degree and go on to be a nurse.  She taught me to never give up on your dream.  Never let them see you cry.  Never expose your weak points.  Never ever let a man stop you from doing and being what you want. Always make sure your children come first in everything you do but do not let finishing that task be the end of it all.  Go on and continue living, continue gropwing, and never stop having fun. 

I still remember a photo of her whitewater rafting in her late 50s.  She did live.  Even remarrying later in life to a fabulous gentleman who treated her like the queen she was.  She was able to enjoy her life, have her cake and eat it too, so to speak.  Raising 4 children and surviving the early years of an abusive relationship then going on to become who she really wanted to be. 

Sitting here writing this, I am realizing for the first time just how much our lives mirrored each other.  I am just hoping that I have made her proud.  I hope that I am as strong as she was, have the courage she did to continue to push and push til I get to sit down and eat my cake.  I must thank her for all she gave me, for teaching me to never give up, to just survive until it's time to thrive, then go forward and conquer. 

So now that my bird is in the oven and I prepare to make the pies and all the sides, I feel a presence here with me, standing beside me as I prepare the meal I will share with my family.  I wonder how many other little girls are up helping their grammas make the feast we will all share today on this American holiday when we all do pretty much the same thing.

Happy Turkeyday.

#72 - Be Silly Putty

With the holidays coming up so quickly an the end of another year, I have decided that 2018 has moved by too fast...what have I accomplished.  Think I will take this opportunity to take a look back at the year.

I know my businesses have changed quite a bit, going from doing art shows, craft fairs and events almost every weekend in previous years to just a couple this year and focusing more on fine arts and entering contests I never would have dreamed of before. My painting has changed so much, adding the twists of abstract paintings to the library of my works.  I have found that coloring outside the lines is something I really do enjoy and find that it can touch so many more people as they are able to see things in my works that I can't.  I do love that part of art, making people feel.

My cameras have not been ignored.  I have enjoyed taking them on many different adventures this year including going to many places I had not been before and seeing new things I could share with others through my photographs.  There is something so freeing about jumping in the car, camera in hand, and just going until I find something I must capture, then going again, continuing to spend the time looking for the beauty in the world that we so often miss because we rush from place to place without slowing to see the sites inbetween.  I was able to capture mountains and forests, animals and plants and people, historic buildings and places, and even beauty in simple things we take for granted. The lens sees all and freezes moments in time allowing us to pause and review and share with others those things otherwise lost to time.

I rediscovered my love of writing, something I did when I was young to get my feelings out typically in poem form but never really shared.  Only having been published a couple of times but having one of my poems stolen and republished through the internet with minor changes and tweeks stopped me from following that path much more out of fear of losing my works again. This blog gives me the opportunity to write my thoughts, share the insane things that happen to me, and continue to explore the written word (ok typed word) so hopefully some day I can continue those books and manuscripts I have started but left unfinished over the years.  Maybe some day.

Adding a new business to my portfolio definitely added more excitement and fun to the mix.  Getting back into the kitchen where I can create more beautiful and yummy things like I did when I owned my cafe/bakery was an added bonus that came from adding Pampered Chef to my resume.  I forgot just how satisfying it can be to take simple ingredients and create a masterpiece of flavors.  It has allowed me to explore the healthy cooking side of the kitchen even more but not forget the baking that I so love to do and now combining them.  

Maybe it's time to combine all my loves into something new, a new challenge, a new experience I have not had yet.  The posibilities are endless and I look forward to 2019, ready to add a few more firsts to my list of experiences.  Life is, after all, a collection of experiences that mold and shape us into who we are.  By staying pliable and allowing those experiences to continue to shaped us, by not becoming rigid by experiences that may not have been so positive, we are able to grow and prepare for even more greatness that life has to offer.  Kind of like the silly-putty we used to play with as children, transfering the images of comics from the news paper a nd stretching them into funny abstracts of themselves then wadding it up to start again or mold it into something new.

Goal:  Stay pliable, have fun, and keep your eyes open to the future.

#71 - Let the turkeys hit the floor

This morning I sit here with my arm wrapped up and throbbing, wishing I had listened to that lyric that has haunted me ever since.  Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor.  Why is it that brilliant thoughts like that don't come to me until I have do something stupid?  Why did I just let the darn turkeys fall instead of trying to catch them?  Even the meat department guy said, 'you should have let them fall.  Then someone in management would see this is a bad setup.'  Duh!

OK, guess I should back up a minute and explain.  Ever notice how places like Wal-Mart have their meat department setup with shelves that are higher in the back so meat falls forward to the barrier in the front for easy shopping?  Well, our local Wal-Mart has this exact setup.  Problem is that they apparently have not set it up correctly or are using cheap materials and the front barrier is not as stable and strong as it needs to be, especially when they put things like 10-12 pound turkey breast which was apparently frozen with lots of 'juices' so when it was thawed was like a salmonella filled water balloon just waiting for a target.

So when I went there Monday night after playing an awesome match at my pool league, I picked up a few other things I needed and then decided to look for a turkey for the upcoming holiday dinner.  I stopped in the meat department started sifting through the turkey breasts when all hell broke lose, literally.  Next thing I knew my mommy instincts kicked in and I as trying to stop the nasty turkey balloons from hitting the floor and exploding all over my boots (and everything else in the area).  I'm sure everyone has seen those commercials of the pile of oranges or canned food that when one falls, they all fall, well, I could already see it happening and becoming a scene from a CSI episode with bodies and guts all over the floor.  Yes, I could already see it in my head and was trying to avoid the nasty chaos.

Glad to say that I did save my boots.  I did not have a salmonella filled turkey balloon explode all over the place but it was at the expense of my arm which I am now dealing with.  According to the doctor I did some really long titled thing to my elbow, no I don't remember what he called it, but essentially I pulled muscles in my elbow that extend from my ring and pinky fingers in my right hand.  This makes simple things like raising a glass (yea, I have been forced to learn to drink coffee with my left hand), getting dressed (if only I could just let the girls go free), and even starting my car (ignition on the right) very challenging to say the least.  Since I do not like taking medication I refused the prescription for the pain meds and anti-inflammatory pills the doc wanted me to take to make it easier to deal with.

The only thing I can do now is wait for it to heal.  I am now supposed to have it in a sling or wrapped to remind me not to use it.  I suck at being a patient, especially since it's just me so it makes daily tasks a little more challenging.  Not using my arm, especially with Thanksgiving coming up this week is really going to be, can we say difficult.   Turkey isn't gonna get out of the oven on it's own.  This might be the year we see how many restaurants are open, ya know like in the movies.  Maybe Chinese or Thai for Thanksgiving.  Hmmm, that's a thought.

Oh well, moral of this story is, LET THE TURKEYS HIT THE FLOOR.  Hopefully next time I will remember lyrics of a song instead of letting the mommy-brain engage.  It may be safer.

#70 - Dr. Quack and Nurse Ratched

I thought the worst thing to happen to me yesterday was having to get an idiot to pull over on the highway.  This moron was driving 70+ miles an hour, cell phone in his left hand, right hand trying to manipulate a pen and paper to take notes while he was looking down at his (presumably note pad) instead of looking forward where his 3 ton death machine which almost took out 3 vehicles before I got to him.  Thankfully when I laid on my horn and refused to stop, he put down everything and pulled over to complete his whatever-the-hell he was trying to do.  If the day could have gone up from there, that would have been awesome...but nope.  It slid down, down, DOWN into the record books as a real loser.

I drove the additional 40 miles to pick up my 82 year old mother-in-law to go a recommended orthopedic doctor that everyone said could help her with her ankle/foot pain.  From her house we went the additional 35 miles to KU Medical Center in Kansas City to the Orthopedic wing.  We got there, found a parking spot, and went into the office at 11:30 AM for a 12:00 PM appointment.  I know, what were we thinking being early.  UGH!

So we go in and get checked in, filling out a stack of paperwork that would make a forest cry and sat down to begin our waiting experience.  After sitting, pacing, playing games, sitting longer, reading emails, sitting longer (guess you get the drift here), I went up to the front desk where I was greeted by a snotty, sourpuss face woman I am calling Nurse Ratched.  She really lived up to the character from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest as she was also a cold, heartless, and passive-aggressive battleaxe, probably not a nurse tho.  Just office staff that made you want to throw the clipboard at her and say,
'oops, sorry...it slipped.'  She proceeded to inform me that 3-4 hour wait time was expected in this office as Dr. Horton was just 'that good.'  All I could do was shake my head at the arrogance of that office thinking this was OK.

Sometime around 1:30 PM we walked down the long corridor to get something to eat and drink since this was going to be some marathon type waiting event.  We got caffeinated beverages and what I believe was supposed to be pastries at a coffee cart type place in the hospital (yea, hospital food would have been better) and went back to the waiting room from hell.

Another hour has now passed and finally someone calls mom's name.  It is now 2:30 PM and they are taking her for x-rays on her foot.  They put her in a small room and then off they go, closing the door leaving us to wonder what next.  Fast forward another 30ish min and a resident comes in.  She is, let's just say very colorful, in her white mini-dress, burgundy tights and turquoise accented brown cowboy boots.  She proceeded to look at mom's ankle and foot and basically said there was probably nothing that could be done short of surgery but she would share her findings with the doctor who would be in shorty.  Shortly ended up being another hour!!!

It is now almost 4 PM and yes, we are still here.  The arrogance of this office is astounding, the staff leave a lot to be desired, bedside manner is lacking severely.  Even the cleanliness of this office is left to question based on the room we were in.  Disgusting is putting it mildly when you consider what looks to be mold growing on the soap dispenser.  Just nasty!

Dr. Greg Horton finally graces us with his presence around 4, yes that is 4 hours after our scheduled appointment.  He gives mom a quick look, doing everything his resident did earlier, speaks to her for about 3 minutes, then that's it.  THREE MINUTES is all we get after waiting for FOUR HOURS!  He then sends her off to have a boot made and that is all he does.  The arrogance of the medical profession astonishes me.

Finally we leave the facility from hell just in time to get into the rush hour traffic from hell.  I now know where I never want to go for any medical anything.  Just glad we were not the other family we met in the waiting room who drove 3+ hours to get the same type of treatment.

Needless to say boredom did kick in so had to find something to do, hence the last picture.  Had mom rolling.  Other than that and getting to spend time with her, this day just sucked!

Thanks doc.

#69 - Don't Judge Me

You are standing in line at the store to check out with the few items you have to purchase.  In front of you is a dirty man, clothes torn and tattered, shoes covered is yucky substance, smelling a bit too ripe, purchasing what looks to be a meal for the night.  What are you thinking?  Are you wondering if he is homeless and was able to find enough change to buy a meal?  Are you thinking this guy is disgusting and shouldn't be in the store like this?  Is this man just on his way home from a not-so-pleasant job that he is doing to feed his family and keep a roof over their heads.  Unless you strike up a conversation, you will only have your opinions, questions, and assumptions to go on.  What about the woman who has screaming children in her cart, looking exhausted and ready to crawl into a corner, curl up in to a ball and hide.  What are you thinking as she is trying to quiet them with no success?

How about this one.  A young mother of two small children has called your HVAC business for help with the heater in her home which is no longer working.  It's freezing outside and they are all huddling around the fireplace as there is no other place to get warm.  You come in and assess the situation and determine that a new unit is needed because repairing this one will cost more.  She reluctantly agrees knowing that there are no other choices but this will take all she has left for the children for the holidays, Christmas will be scarce this year, but they will be warm.  During the conversation you find that she is single, the dad of the children no longer in the picture.  Not much information was shared so you have no idea why.  So, do you assume that he is a dead-beat dad?  Or are you thinking maybe the kids were born out of wedlock? Do you judge her for being alone? Do you say things to her like, "those children would be better off with a man in the picture" or "their father should really be here to take care of you all" or some other derogatory comment?  How about assuming that she must have pushed the father out of their lives because that's what women do, come to mind?

The first two situations above I have seen happen many times in stores where people judge others by how they look and not bother to learn about them first.  The third actually happened to me the first winter after my husband died.  Where I live in the bible belt of our country, it has been my experience that those judging are the self-proclaimed 'God fearing' types who snubbed their noses at others not believed to have been good enough.  No, this is not just an assumption.  I am a people watcher and pay attention to those little details that give it away.  The cross hung so elegantly around the neck on a gold chain, the sly comments are twisted pieces of Sunday morning sermons, the high and mighty walk of those who think their poo has no smell other than roses from the garden of Eden.  I was brought up southern baptist so when I say I have heard it, believe me because they are some of the worst when it comes to being hypocritical, opinionated judge and jury to those believed to be beneath them.

The second situation was a preacher of a local Christian church who happened to own a HVAC business.  He berated me for several hours because the father of my children was not in the picture.  I had not shared that he had passed.  When I called the company to have my heating situation fixed, I was looking for someone to do a job at a reasonable cost and this company had come well recommended as being good and not too expensive, being able to work with those who needed help.  I had no idea that it meant I would be made to feel as small as a pebble on the bottom of someone's shoe.

To get the work done and heat for my children I did not initially correct the assumptions this man had made of me and my situation.  I let him continue to 'preach' to me about the immoral ways I was living, allowing him to continue to ride that high horse he perched himself up on, all the while planning my attack.  Finally the new unit was in and he was about to be paid.  Time to let him have it.  As he finished and I told him to send me the bill, no I wasn't going to just write him check and allow him to get away with the hours of punishment he had put me through.  No, this was the point I could make him feel as small as he had me.  I did this with the kill him with kindness mentality.  "I cannot tell you how grateful my children and I are with what you have done to help us and I am sure my late husband is too.  Making sure his family is safe since he is no longer able to be here to do it himself."

I have run into him a few times over the years, we do live in a small town after all, and each time I could see him remembering that moment when he was taught a valuable lesson by a young widow.  It is moments like that I take a little pride, but feel the sadness as well about the fact that in our society, probably in all societies, we look first at the outside of the situation, the cover of the book, and judge it as if we know everything needed to know.

I cannot say that I have not made rash assumptions about people on a single glance.  Some person cuts me off on the highway and I assume he's an idiot.  I'm probably right, BUT he could also be on his way to an emergency.  I don't have all the facts.  As a human race, we need to stop looking at the surface only to judge.

On a warm summer's day, can you tell by looking at a body of water whether it's hot or cold or must you dip your toe first?  How about that amazing cake sitting on a table, perfectly crafted by a the chef...are you sure it's cake or could it be something else made to look like cake?  How would you know without first cutting into it to see what it's made of?  It could be chocolate with white frosting or it could be meatloaf with mashed potatoes.

Keep in mind what we get when we ASSuME we have all the facts.

#68 - Veteran's Day

Today is the day we remember all of those who have served to protect our country, our freedom, and our way of life.  Today is the day we say simply but with great meaning, "Thank you for your service" to all veterans.  Thank you for giving your time, blood, sweat, tears, and in some cases your life to protect those back home and insure they can continue to live their lives as citizens of our great nation.  To us, the thankful Americans, you are heroes.

One group that seems to be forgotten, however, is those left behind.  The families of the veterans who have also given their time, tears, hearts, and in some cases their lives.  The mothers and fathers supported their babies when they decided (or were drafted) to fight in wars, the husbands and wives left behind to stand strong while their spouses were away in far away lands doing their job, the children who are growing up while their parent is missing the milestones of their youth.

Not saying the families of the veterans need a holiday or anything, just saying we also need to remember those left behind.  So, to my great grandfather, both my grandfathers, two of my uncles, my husband, my father-in-law, my brother in law, and my son, thank you for your service.

#67 - Writing the next chapter

In life, like in books, every chapter is written to move us on to the next part of the story.  Luckily in life, unlike in books, our chapters are written by us and we can decide how we want them to go and when it is time to move on to a new one.  Every word written is of our choice, even though we may not think so, we do have the power of holding the pen for our lives.  We choose how it is going to go by the choices we made every single day.  Here is what I mean.

Every morning we wake up and make our first choice.  Do I want to get out of this warm, safe, comfortable bed or not?  From there our days are filled with more and more choices we must make.  I know I have heard people say, 'but I don't have a choice...I have to work.'  But there it is again, you do have a choice.  Do you want to go to work to provide for yourself (and your family if you have one), putting a roof over their heads and food on the table or do you want to be homeless and beg?  Choices...we all have choices.

Another choice we have is how we feel.  Do you want to be happy or sad?  Are you going to raise the pom-poms and cheer on the day or are you going to invite the world to you own personal pity party?  I know some will talk about depression and how it is not a choice.  I do not fully understand depression as I have never had it, I have been sad and then worked myself out of it. Maybe it's luck.  Maybe it is that I have all but removed the pharmaceutical world from my life opting for more natural remedies and cures than those of the medical community.  Not saying there is not a time and place where it may be needed, just that I am not going to throw a pill at every problem I have in my life.  It seems like according to modern medicine, there is a pill for everything.  Have a headache? Take a pill.  Have a sad moment? Take a pill.  Can't perform? Take a pill.  Want to be healthy? Take a pill.

People today have become accustom to running to the doctor or pharmacy whenever they feel something is off.  Ever wonder if the pills we are taking are actually causing the off feelings?  Ever listen to the list of side effects spewed off in the lower monotone voice in record speed at the end of those feel good commercials telling you there is a pill for everything that ails you?  Do you really want to take a pill for a headache that is going to cause IBS, vomiting, shortness of breath, vision problems, loss of hearing, inability to walk or care for yourself, comma and even the possibility of death?  The mentality that everything has a medicinal fix seems to be strengthened by every commercial for the new drugs.  Have you ever paid attention to all the other commercials from the law firms putting out class action suits against many of those drugs we watched commercials for?  It's like they go hand-in-hand and it all goes back to choices.

Please understand that this is not a blog about promoting medicinal marijuana or anything like that.  I am just saying we all have choices on what we do, how we feel, and what we want to do about changing those two things.

This morning for a very small moment I started to feel sad.  I was supposed to have plans this evening, a date, but last week the man I was seeing decided it wasn't working for him, so no more plans.   So I had a choice and instead of letting this ruin my day, I am going pick up the pom-poms and going to cheer at the possibilities today may bring.  I see art and beauty in my future, and the beginning of my next chapter.

#66 - Dating again at 49, UGH!

Have you ever decided to do something you probably shouldn't but you didn't much care?  I'm at an age where I just don't seem to care much about not doing all those things I 'shouldn't do' so...let's talk about dating in the age of technology.

When we were young, you know, back in 70's and 80's when the biggest thing we were worried about was having a date to prom or to a party, we had it so easy.  Especially since we didn't have cell phones and instant messenger and social media to screw it up.  We had to have personal interactions.  We had to rely on the old fashion paper notes that were passed back and forth (usually along a train of hands of others and you hoped it made it to it's destination).  We also were stuck at home literally waiting by the phone for it to ring.  How many hours were wasted just waiting?  What happened if you lost the number or if the paper note got intercepted by someone other than it's target?

Fast forward to today and now we have cell phones with text and social media right on them and wow, can that cause problems.  We now have instant gratification instead of anticipation.  We are no longer tethered to a wall in our homes waiting for the phone to ring.  We can get instant messages, know where someone is at any given time, and reach out and touch someone at the drop of a pin.  This, however, creates a whole new set of annoyances, problems and misunderstandings.

It's funny how times change yet the problems never do and just like bell-bottom jeans and tie-dyes they seem to come around for a rebirth with a twist.  Technology has removed the ability to wait for something good.  With the new era of instant everything, instant potatoes, instant coffee, speed dating, instant families, on-demand television, etc., we no longer get to enjoy the anticipation, waiting eagerly for something you want to happen.  Technology has in essence removed our ability to patiently wait.  We expect everything NOW.  

Don't go somewhere with no reception or leave your phone somewhere or let it run out of juice because you will be accused of ignoring someone or giving them the silent treatment.  Parents freak (at least that's what my kids accuse me of) if their texts or calls are not answered in a timely fashion because we think something horrible had to have happened for our kids not to answer.  Throw this into the already complicated world of dating and this causes a multitude of other problems, especially to already insecure people who automatically assume the worst regardless of the real reasons. Trust issues rear their ugly heads with a vengeance, instantly.

I almost forgot the elephant in the room.  You can't take back what's typed (OK, tapped into the media device) once it is sent.  We tap and tap and make sentences that are just like words on a piece of paper.  Unless written with the right tone and context, they can be misread causing more problems.  You can't hear the voice of the writer, you are left to assume you understand the comment.  Our emotions play a big part in how we read things as well.  No longer can you send something with a smirk or meant as a joke because without the facial expression or tone of voice to go with it, it can come across as mean or snarky.  Someone decided to add emojis to the mix and while they can be fun, they don't always work in helping relay the message.  In the dating world, these misunderstandings can mean the end.  

Some days I wish we could go back to when times were simpler, when we weren't sitting in our houses surfing the net for date-worthy profiles to swipe right on, living vicariously through Facebook and Instagram and watching life pass us by.  A time when we were meeting people face-to-face and having meaningful conversations and learning about each other without electronics and gadgets in our way.  When we were going out and experiencing life and seeing the world with our own eyes instead of computer screens.  I guess a lot of the same problems existed they were just not as 'in our faces' as they are in today's world of instant everything.  Some days...I think I should be a hermit.

Ugh!  

#65 - A Unicorn Blew Up on my Canvas

I was sitting down to paint, had all my color bottles ready and the canvas prepped with pretty white background paint.  I had put on several color drops already in preparation of making a beautiful feather when I picked up one of my bottles and a paper towels decided to hitch a ride on the bottom and fall onto my painting.  I tried to catch it but wasn't fast enough and it caused a rainbow on my canvas.  So...............this painting changed from a beautiful trio of feathers to an exciting unicorn explosion.  As Bob Ross would say it was a happy accident.
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When the unexpected happens in life, as in with art, we have to find the good side of it or it will cause mass havoc in our worlds.  Life is not perfect, but it is the only one you have so making the best of it, finding the silver lining on all the clouds is required for keeping your sanity through all the twists and changes that life throws. 

Maybe for me it is my coping mechanism but it works. I always try to find the positive in any situation.  It is not always easy but I do try.  Laughter is also another tool I use to keep the positive vibe going.  I believe that you have two choices to any situation, laugh or cry.  I would prefer to laugh because besides wrinkles and maybe a sore rib or two (depending on just how deeply you laugh) you don't have negative impacts from it.  OK, people might also think you are a little nuts, but who cares.  Crying makes your face puffy, your nose run, your make-up smear, and just drags you down.  So many positives to laughing. 

Another thing that helps me is getting my feelings out into some physical form.  Whether it be to paint, write, cook, or even just get out and go for a long walk, to me it helps.  I find it almost therapeutic to push my feelings out as far as possible. Sometimes I can then 'see' them instead of them hiding deep inside, doing damage in the hidden corners of my mind.  In bringing them to the surface, it allows me to address them and work through them so much easier which I believe to be much healthier way to deal.  It was not always like this. I used to bottle them up and hold them deep inside, not letting them out, hiding them from the world to portray a strong outer shell no one could penetrate. It was a defense mechanism I had from childhood.  Never let anyone see your weak points, must protect the underbelly so as not to be hurt.  It is not a good way to live but it was all I knew from my upbringing. 

Now so many years later, after having experienced so many horrific things in my life, I look back and realize that my protection, my defense mechanism was actually holding me back from truly living.  Once I really opened up my mind to all those nightmares of my past and allowed myself to remember and release them into the universe I was able to begin to grown and become who I am today. I am, by no means, done growing but I do have a healthier understanding of how those things built up a wall in me that I have begun chipping away at.  Brick by brick, stone by stone, the wall is coming down allowing my inner child, artist, mother, lover, and friend to emerge and grown into the person I know I can be.  This will not be a happy accident, but years of painstaking work to break down the barriers and jump the hurdles stopping me from truly living. 

So, off to see what my next canvas will hold.  Make sure to check back in to see my new happy accidents.

#64 - Reflections

As an artist and photographer, I take in a lot when I look at the world around me.  The colors, textures, depths, movement or lack of all play a part in creating a scene, a picture that will live on in my mind even if I don't capture it for others to see.  One thing I love about art and photography is it allows me to share what I see with others, to allow them to feel it too, even if they feel it differently than I did.  That is the beauty about art.  Each person is able to take away something different, to see it in a different way, to experience it and feel it in a way that is unique to them.

For example, let's talk about abstract art.  Many see abstract art as beautiful expressions of emotion yet others see them as odd and lacking.  There is no right or wrong way to see art, it is all in how the viewer sees it.  As a painter, I find myself torn between the two worlds of abstract and realism.  I love when I create a painting of something so life-like it looks more like a photo than a painting yet I also love being able to create something of beauty that has no reference in real life or is a representation of something I have felt or seen or the combination of both.  These feelings are what makes an abstract for me.  Being able to share that with others is exciting.  Even more than sharing, I love to hear their thoughts and feelings, their raw opinion when they do not know I am the artist or that I am listening.  If they 'feel' anything, my job as an artist is done.  That is what it means to me to be an artist.

Reflections are one of my absolute favorite things to photograph and paint.  I find that reflections show only a portion of what is really there.  Just as when you look in the mirror you only see what the mirror is able to show you.  You do not see what is behind, what is just off to the side, or what is inside, just the top layer in reverse.  What gives them mystery is in what you cannot see.  Even more appealing to me is when I purposely capture a reflection that most completely ignore like a simple reflection in a puddle of water.  That little thing that most overlook can hold such beauty.  Even a pothole, something we hate because it causes an unexpected jolt in our routine can hold beauty if you just take a moment to look.  Watch for the reflections of life and take hold of the beauty and keep it within.  It will open you up to so much more the world has to offer.  Remember, while it is only showing the surface, that is a great place to start to see what is beautiful inside.

Allow yourself to take in the beauty the world has to offer and use it to brighten up any moment. 

#63 - Choices

In life, we all have choices.  We can choose to be happy or sad.  We can choose to move forward or always look back.  We can choose to try or give up.  So many opportunities in our lives are missed because we either choose not to look or not to try.

Our past can serve two purposes.  It can hold us down, forever looking back at the what-if's and the could-have-been's, never moving forward because of the fear of screwing up again.  Worse yet, if you have lost someone or something very important, that loss can also hold you back for fear of more loss.  The broken heart, the loss of desire to ever be happy again due to that pain.  Thinking that you don't deserve to have it because of the past.  However the past can also serve as a lesson on what not to do, how to come out better than before, how not to experience the pain again or how to live through it should it happen.

Take walking as an example.  We all learn to walk by getting up first on our knees, then up on our feet, then we take a step.  Soon we learn to walk faster, then to run.  We master things like stairs and walking over thing, then up hills and down.  But one day, we take a fall.  We step in a hole.  We get hurt, maybe even breaking a limb.  Do we stop walking because it hurt?  Do we decide to never try and walk again for fear we could fall and hurt ourselves again?  Typically no.  We may be down for a short time healing but we eventually stand and walk again, then learn to move around again, maybe moving a little more cautious at first but we still move again.

I am a big fan of quotes.  One quote I try to remember when I feel I have gotten 'stuck' in life is the definition of insanity.  "Insanity:  The act of doing something over and over again, expecting a different result."  How many times have you done this only to realize you have gotten nowhere.  Take dieting for an example.  Many times we try a new fad diet, you know the ones that will tell you you can lose a bunch of weight without exercising.  You succeed in losing the weight temporarily but then go back to the same old habits of eating whatever you want and never exercise, basically setting yourself up for failure.  Then once you have gained the weight back you wonder, how did that happen.  You did what you always do.  Instead of finding the real reason you are over weight was because you never get off your couch and do things like walk or exercise and you eat whatever you want, stuffing yourself until you are miserable because it tastes good, you blame the diet for failing you.  The next time a new fad diet comes out you try it and the same thing happens.

I have been this person much of my life.  Not just with diets, but with bettering myself, moving forward from my past, even just with trying to branch out and try new things.  It has only taken me 49 years to realize that I was stuck in a rut much of my life.  I could lay blame on my past, my parents, the abuses I endured as a child, the losses of loved ones, the hardships that life dealt me, but what would that accomplish.  Honestly not a damn thing other than making me feel sorry for myself.  I have never and never will use those experiences of my past as a crutch or reason for me not succeeding.  They are, in fact, the reason I have succeeded so far and the reason I will continue to succeed.

I have been asked over the years if I could go back and change one thing, what would it be?  The honest answer is...NOTHING!  I am who I am because of what I experienced in my past.  I am the wonderful, honest, loving, caring, strong, independent, tough, sweet, blunt, rock of a person I am today as a direct result of the things that made me this way through the previous 48 years.  I would not want anything to change.

Instead I choose to live by the 3 choices.  Give up, Give in, OR GIVE IT ALL YOU'VE GOT!  Life is too short not go for it, to grab it by the reins and ride off into the sunset having a great time knowing you did all you wanted, you accomplished as much as you could, and you had fun doing it.  The time to choose is now, and you have the power to choose whatever you want to have, be, and do.  Time to go out and play and have fun and try new things and maybe fall down and get back up.  Ready?

Tag, you're it.