January 1, 2022 - Here we go again?

Two years ago to the day I wrote an entry about how I was going to restart myself, I was going to focus more on the things I wanted to better inside myself.  Not by writing or creating New Year's Resolutions as I just think those are a way to set yourself up for failure.  I mean does anyone really stick to them long term?  Ok maybe those perfect people who can stick to a diet or gym regiment, but those of us regular people not so much.  

I decided to work on things that I thought I could do, things I could succeed at and not make myself feel worse for failing, yet again.  Then came 2020.  

I started of my 2020 by working really hard at bettering myself physically only to injure my ankle trying to go on a bike ride with my kids (stepped in a damn pot hole)...then catching covid (pretty sure anyway) when I went into the medical incubator to get an x-ray and found out I didn't just sprain it but actually broke my ankle.  So 4 weeks of a boot, 1 week of feeling like death, 3 weeks learning to catch my breath again and coughing like a seal I felt I survived the worst 2020 had to offer.  Little did I know it would just get worse and worse and worse.  Fast forward to the end of 2020 as we watched and waited for that awful year to pass, hoping that 2021 would make such a difference, that things would get back to normal (whatever the hell that is) and we could once again enjoy life.  

Stop the presses...2021 proved that it could get worse and boy did it!!!  Put a dumbass democrat puppet in office with a sidekick who has the brainpower of an amoeba and laughs like a hyena and watch any resemblance of normalcy go down the drain like an old beer leftover from the drunken festivities of the night before.  We were screwed!!!  

The one thing we kept saying as we watched people die over the year of 2020/2021 "due to covid" (yes that was such a lie too but that discussion is for another day) and all the other things (that no one mentioned because everything was covid) was that at least Betty White was still with us.  An icon who made us laugh, who seemed to be able to weather any storm, who was a bright beacon of light in an otherwise dismal year of lies and and deceit and sickness.

Just when we think we have survived another year with Betty, when we think she will make it to her century mark on the 17th of January, the news is shared.  Betty White passed away at age 99 on December 31, 2021.  Such a beautiful power packed spunky bag of laughs we lost yesterday.  Almost as if she decided to end a craptastic year with a bang.  Her way of saying to all of us, I'm done, time to go be with the girls and create laughter in the ever after.  

So here we are on January 1, 2022 with 3 more years of the moronic puppet in office screwing every middle and lower class tax payer by raising the cost of living so high we can barely breathe, allowing illegal aliens to enter our country in droves to suck up all the welfare our tax dollars can pay for but not getting raises from the companies we work at to help cover those painful taxes.  Three more years of hell, probably with Flip-flop Fauci still spewing his lies about 15 days to curb the spread and now just one more jab, just one more, ok maybe one more after that.  So many lies, so many false statements to create fear and panic among the masses.  Let's not forget all the riots started by idiots probably paid by those who are spreading the fear to help create more and gain even more control.  2021 was a year of the sheeple, a year where people were scared into forgetting to live.  Where people were tattling on their neighbors and friends for not complying, not bowing down and taking one in the ass (ok, arm) for the sake of humanity - BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  

Do we dare even try to look into the crystal ball to see what 2022 holds?  Do we even want to know?  Well, I'm going to cross my fingers, create spell jars, throw wishes into the universe, read my cards daily, pickup every penny I see for good luck, beg the black cats to just sit and wait, hang the horse shoes up to catch the luck, not walk under any ladders and wish on every falling star I see in hopes that the bad will pass us by this year and give us a break.  I think that the past 2 years of shit has been quite enough.  

The number 22 represents double the amount of energy, representing fulfillment of one's greatest aspirations, as well as a sense of strength and accomplishment. Astro-numerologist predicts that 2022 is the year which is going to ensure a fresh start.  Seeing the number 2022 means your life will become more balanced, hope is ahead.  So with that in mind, bring it on 2022.  I am ready for more balance, more strength and accomplishment and hope in my fresh start.  Let's go!!!

Time again

It has been a very long time since I wrote here.  Honestly, a very long time since I wrote anything besides a shopping list or quick notes on a calendar.  I seemed to have had a wee bit of writers block.  So today I am trying again to see if I can complete an entry instead of leaving yet another draft hovering in the purgatory of computer, not quite a full thought but enough to linger aimlessly among all the other attempts I have made over the past couple months.

I guess you could say that life got in the way of my writing.  All the 'things' I find to entertain myself, all the projects I take on, all the art and jewelry I make and the pool teams I join to keep myself busy and remove my mind from those few things that I really want to do but for some reason have such a fear of even trying. 

Hiding behind a facade of strength, courage and independence who is really inside this shell...a child who was beaten down, abused by physically and emotionally by those who were supposed to love and care for her, and always fearing what was just around the corner, who was left to care for, raise and protect her younger siblings.  Just a child who was forced to grow up way too fast who never got the chance to put away the fears of being not enough so as an adult wears that mask as a shield.

How does one remove the facade and become the person they really want to be?  I am not talking about changing one's appearance, even though that could be a big part of it.  I want to know if it is possible for a person to change who they really are inside.  If so, how? 

At now 50 years old, I feel trapped.  I feel as if I am stuck in a rut, working for a company that lost it's give-a-shit for it's employees long ago and makes a point to make it very apparent on a regular basis.  I am good at what I do but my 'job' keeps me in the same internal rut.  I no longer love what I do which takes up about half of the waking hours of my life.  I feel I am wasting my life for a mere paycheck that barely covers the necessities and leaves little for anything else.  I have my art but the fear I am not good enough to live on it holds me back from pursuing it as a more full time career.  I have other ideas of things I would love to do but again that nasty fear-bug keeps rearing it's ugly head and causing me to hold back, to save what I have and not take a chance on failing and losing it all.

I think a lot of it stems from being homeless so early in life and not knowing where I would sleep or where my next meal would come from that really set a tone for how I would 'squirrel away for winter' now as an adult.  So many things that happened to create who I am today.  How does someone break free of the labels and the fears and the safety zones to do something amazing and become the successfully happy person they so wish to be?

At this point, all I have is a deep sigh and lots of question marks dancing around in my head.  I am not giving up in any way, just have to figure out how to change my direction which is  is keeping me in this rut of borderline happiness and start steering towards the things that really make me smile, bring out the true happy within me and shed the opinions of all who don't matter that I seem to allow to hold me down and build up a wall around who I really am.  Time for me to break down the walls which encase the real me and really grow and allow my true self to emerge from the dark corner it has been hiding for most of my life.  Question is...where to start?  Maybe finally getting this out of my head will be the first step in the process of changing the path I am on to point me in the direction I want to do and become the person I really want to be.

First thing to remember...just breathe.

The Simplicity of a Tree

Have you ever a moment to lie on the ground on a warm and windy day and listened to the wind talk to the trees and the trees talk back?  How about looked up from the bottom of a tree and wondered how long it took to get so big or how the branches decided to go where they did.  Maybe wondered about the history that tree had witnessed.  Kind of a deep thought.

To me, trees are glorious in their uniqueness, no two alike, each with their branches reaching out from different parts of their trunk, fingering out as if reaching for the sky.  Not only do they give life through the oxygen they produce but they also become homes for other species, both inside their greatness to things like squirrels and insects as well as in their arm-like branches to hold nests or other animals who stop by.

There are so many different types of trees too.  Those that grow beautiful leaves that turn different colors through the spring to fall seasons and cover the ground as winter approaches.  Others that do not grow leaves, instead producing needles and foliage that stays deep hues of green through out the year. Still others produce flowers and yummy fruits that are loved by man and beast alike.

Many trees survive fires, flood, droughts, extreme heat and cold and every year produce their beautiful leaves, flowers and fruits right on schedule.  Some even send their seeds off to grow new little trees wherever they land while others expand their network through their roots.  Each jungle and meadow and mountain housing so many different types of trees all living side by side in harmony.  So many different types that do so many different things, so unique yet alike.  Some even blend to become new species of trees, taking on the best of each to produce a new type that can withstand more.

Now, take a moment to think back on what you have just read.  What else can you think of that the word tree could be replaced by?  Humans are very similar.  Just like trees, we start from seeds, reaching for the sky as we age, each very unique in who we become, what we look like and what we produce.  Unlike trees, however, we are not rooted in one spot and we can move to different locations depending on what we desire.  We can create little humans if we choose, we get fruits from our labor, some blossom into beautiful people while others grow into thorns and cause pain.  Many give shelter to others, many weather horrendous storms and stand strong.  We live different lives even though we live in the same concrete jungle, each branching off in directions of our own choosing but all reaching for the sky.

The question you have to ask yourself is what kind of tree am I.

Filling the Divots and Holes

For the past week I have been listening to a book and absolutely loving it.  Now, let me say this first, I am not a big reader or someone who listens to books all the time so for me to knock one out in a week means something.  This book, all I can say is perfect timing.  It is exactly what I needed to hear right now.  It made the past 49 years make sense and helped me see what I need to do next to better myself and get what I want.

Since I started it I caught myself thinking outside the box a lot more, trying new things I always thought were just out of reach, and getting out of my comfort zone.  I stopped finding excuses and started just doing the things that I know I love, need to do to love myself more, and focusing on what is most important right now...ME.  I have been so focused on everyone else for so long, so concerned what others thought, so afraid to rock the boat, fearing that people would think less of me if they knew who I really was that I hid behind the curtains, only allowing them to see the puppet version me that I made move by the strings of societies norms. 

It wasn't until just now that I really understood just how much of myself I have kept hidden.  Why?  Why do I really care what other people think?  Who is so damned important that their opinion of me should make me feel bad about myself.  I realized this stemmed from my childhood and that growing up in world where my mother was always spewing mean and cutting words at us as well as the pretty regular open hand or thrown object and my father made it abundantly clear he didn't want daughters.  I had been looking for their approval for so many years as a child, during those important years when our psyche is being molded, so impressionable as a piece of clay in the hands of an artist.  When those hands are hard and hurtful, they can create holes and divots instead of the solid and strong form which can allow for doubts and fears to sink in and fill the empty spaces. 

I am glad to say that this is not irreversible, just means a little more work is needed to remove those hurtful feelings of fear and doubt and fill those spaces with the power within.  Now, before I go on, now I am not blaming my parents for anything that has happened in my adult life.  I am not blaming them for the choices I made or anything else like that.  I will not give them that power over who I have become because I have made it to this point in spite of them, not because of them.  I am damn proud of where I am now and know that by making a few changes, now finding the things I need to fix and healing from within I will become an even better representation of me.  I will no longer find myself afraid to be me, giving a shit about what others think of me, fearing repercussions of removing the puppet strings and just living life to its fullest.

This book has not been the whole reason for this change in mindset but it has been another tool in my arsenal that helped me realize what I need to do, how I need to do it, and gave me ability to see my inner strengths that will propel me forward to the goals I have set for myself.  In the past few months the amazing writings I have listened to in audio books have really helped me tap into my inner warrior and given me an excitement towards the future I did not have, lit a fire for lack of a better term.  I am so ready for the next chapter of my life, having already started writing it with my new art pieces and business avenue added to my already full arsenal of beautiful things I capture and create.  Watch closely because there is so much more to come.  This is going to be an amazing year and I am excited to be able to share it with everyone. 

Next step...

Not Batshit Crazy

Off and on over the years since my husband passed away I have tried online dating. I used to think that you get what you paid for because I was coming up with lots of throw-backs on those sites that were free. Same pictures of the same guys who seemed to be all too perfect and were apparently from some other country or working in another country and lining up suckers for when they got back.  Yea, I said suckers.  I have seen those fake profiles that someone with even half a brain would know were fake.  It blows my mind people actually fall for that crap.  First question:  How do women fall for that and why in the world would they give money to them?  Yea, I have watched the talk shows that have the pathetic women on telling how they have given thousands and thousands of dollars to the scam artists but they are still in love.  Seriously?  Mind blown!

Then there is the ones who are real men but who build up their profiles with pictures that are at least 10 years old if not older and have them looking like super models or are only from the shoulders up.  Why people can't be themselves is the question?  Do you think that the rest of you hiding in the cropped out part of the picture are not going to be visible when you meet?  Do you not think that your date will be quite disappointed in the fact you could not post a current photo showing that you are now bald with a keg not a great head of hair with a 6-pack?  Why is it people can't be honest about who they are.

And talk about pickup lines.  It seems that the guys on those singles sites are sitting there at their computers with the dating app open on one screen and Googling cheesy pickup lines on the other and using them like bait on a hook, dangling them to see who will bite.  Come on guys, do you think those really work?  Ladies, please say it isn't so?

I even tried paying a membership fee in hopes that it would bring a higher class of potential suitors.  Well, that didn't work.  Same trolls over and over with the same 10 year old photos, profiles that were just too good to be true.  Only difference is that the pool was more shallow because less men were willing to fork out the pennies for potential dates.

The best thing though was the compliments.  "Love your pictures."  " You seem perfect for me."  "You are so beautiful."  "You're gorgeous."  "How are you single?"  Now don't get me wrong, those are nice things to have said to you and at first I was flattered.  The problem is they seem to be a different bucket of pickup lines made for the online community of trolls.  They all say the same thing, then when you don't want to give them your phone number or meet them immediately they either become pissy or disappear all together.  The 'dating experts' say you should meet in a reasonable amount of time, however when you have a life outside of the computer, sometimes it is not as easy as drop everything to schedule a meet-up.  Also, sometimes if you chat just a little longer, their true selves come out and you don't end up wasting the make-up and getting ready time to meet just another troll.  By the way, how does one become a 'dating expert'?  Do they just do nothing but date people?  I mean really?

Yes, I sound cynical at this point, I know.  Honestly, I guess I am.  I work from home so meeting someone at the office is out, my children are grown so the single dad pool is gone too, and after the countless disappointments the online dating community has dished out, how could one not be.  I don't go to bars to meet people because what you meet in a bar you lose in a bar, and my grocery store is filled with old people so we won't fall madly in love at first sight over the salad bar.  I have always jokingly said the man of my dreams will need to knock on my door and say, "Here I am sweetie" or I may never find him.  My computer is apparently the only avenue I have for meeting people I would otherwise never 'run into' in my daily life.  I am a hopeful romantic feeling hopeless about the possibilities of really meeting the right Mr. Right for me and that kind of sucks.

Yet, I will continue to keep trying.  I will keep hoping I will find the man who is my best friend, my other half, my soul mate.  I will not give up, maybe take long breaks but never give up.  After all, I did get the best compliment just recently and no it was not a Google search special.  "You are still the only one I've met online that's not batshit crazy."  There may still be hope yet.  Wish me luck.

Creating Beauty

This week has finally had a turn around.  After what I believe was a successful release of the man in my dreams, I was left with a great energy that needed to be put to work.  I started trying my hand at a new form of artwork in the form of wiring.  No, I'm not done with my other types, the canvas for my next painting is waiting on the easil and my camera is sitting by waiting for another opportunity to capture beauty, but I love being able to play in so many different creative arenas.  For me, it is like being able to see all the colors of the rainbow, not just the red, yellow or blue.  With all the different mediums I play in I am able to capture and create beauty with them all, maybe even combine them to see what can happen then.  Who knows. 

I used to think bouncing from one thing to another was a bad thing.  Someone actually commissioned a painted chair from me saying, 'I want to get it ordered before you go on to doing other things.'  I didn't quite know how to take that at first, thinking something must be wrong with me if I can't stay with one thing.  The person who commissioned it did.  She is amazing at the craft she does and is quite successful.  Me, on the other hand, have bounced from thing to thing with small successes in each but nothing that has taken off and become my one thing.  Now looking back though, I do not think that is so bad.  Quite the opposite.  I love it because it does not stop me from trying new things or pushing myself to my limits to see where the line is and how much I can move it to become a new limit. 

So, here is to new and exciting avenues of creation.  Here is to the beauty that will come from my two hands and my heart.  I am thrilled to see what new beauty I can create.  Blessed be.

The Man in my Dreams

As much as I would like to say this is a romantic story, one that would make your heart skip a beat, one where the man and women ended up in each other's arms kissing and stuff, this is not.  This is the story of a tortured soul who has a story to tell but because no one listens, no one hears him screaming for help, no one can even see him...when they are awake, he has only one way to get his story out.  In their dreams.

For 4 of the past 5 nights now I have been tortured at night with visions and dreams of someone who I can see, a white man in his late 20s early 30s, short brown hair, no beard or mustache or even stubble.  He has something to say but I can't make it out.  At first I thought maybe my imagination was running ramped in my sleep. I would wake almost 3-4 times during the early hours between midnight and 3:30 AM and have to get up and walk a bit to go back to sleep.  Then Monday morning as I was sitting in the chair by the living room door writing my blog, the door which was locked and is never used flew open and slammed into the door with what seemed to be the force of someone pushing it and a gust of wind so cold it sent chills through me flew by.  I was hoping that it was a sign that whatever was waking me was leaving.  That night, although I had an eerie feeling someone was watching and had to check all the doors more than once before finally laying down to sleep, I did sleep uninterrupted.  It was a blessing...and a curse.  I thought that whatever it was had left...but I now fear that wasn't the case.  He was just letting me know it wasn't my imagination.  He's still here.

Again last night and this morning he woke me several times during the early hours and had me dreaming of the water but this time was the beach.  This time my children were in the dream, when they were young, just playing in the sand on the beach.  Some of my friends were also in the dream, a elderly mother and her daughter that live together.  We were staying at their house on the beach, I was try to get my swimsuit on and found she had washed and dried it and it had a hole in it.  I know it sounds weird but it is some of the bits and pieces I remember from the dream.  They don't make a lot of sense however I feel I must capture them.

One other thing.  For the past week in my waking hours it has felt like my eyes were burning.  I do work on the computer a lot so I chalked it up to that, screen fatigue.  This is not normal however and now I think I understand why.  I believe that this poor soul somehow lost his sight.  I feel that because when I woke this morning and came down stairs, let the dogs out, got my coffee and headed to the living room to write.  As I started to enter the room I had this massive sense that he was sitting on his knees, no hovering just over the floor in the middle of the room looking for me yet not looking.  Facing towards the doorway I would enter through, eyes open, but his eyes were just white, no pupil, no color, just white as if someone has stolen his sight.  He was just there, my minds eye could see him but I was not afraid.

Now, for those of you who know me and know my reaction to spiders and creepy crawlies, let me tell you no, I did not spill my coffee, not even a drop. I did not jump, not even a shiver.  This fact even now as I am writing this shocks me.  For those of you who don't know me, I jump like I am trying to grab the ceiling and squeal like a little girl so for me to have no reaction doesn't make any sense either.  I walked in, calmly put down my coffee, grabbed the sage stick and feather, lit it, and proceeded to completely sage my home, top to bottom.  I fear this did nothing but scent my house and rid it of evil, which I do not feel he is.

Putting it all together, I feel this man has drowned, somewhere where there are boats and sand.  My fear is I picked up a hitchhiker on my way back from New Orleans.  So now I have to figure out what he is trying to say so he can leave again.

I wish this was just the story of a vivid imagination and had a nice, happy ending but as of right now, the ending is not here...so we wait.

UPDATE:  After a deep analysis with my sister witch, we have come to the conclusion that this may have been a lost soul from the south who lost their life due to a hurricane (wind blowing open the door).  Lost sight from injury (eyes and clothing damage).  Kneeling as if to show being humble, asking or requesting something, not there to scare or harm. 

Time to remember him and release his soul. Blessed be.